blackbox.

when you bleed.“

I came home to nothing, needed to get this pain off my chest. So I wrote it. I texted you what was meant for you and you said it hit you hard. But who knows if you lied or said the truth. It was so easy. I never texted you again, I was thinking about you, but just not enough to run behind you. I liked the poem. I still like it. How crazy that this poem was the reason you came back. But not all of you. You were different. And me too. There was something between us: my love for you. But we didn‘t really talk about that. I just told you I miss you, I told you I want you back. But I was pregnant. But you didn‘t care and me neither. I wanted to see you one last time. So you came to my hotel room. It started like it always do, but then I felt annoyed. I felt this pain inside me because I remember how you treated me. I didn‘t want to see you. I wanted you to leave. You asked me to bring you to your car, but I said no. Now, I just wish I did it. Because it was the chance to talk. But I was just so full of anger and pain. But after you left, I felt empty. I missed you already. For a moment I thought about to run after you. But I didn‘t because you didn‘t derserved it. It made you angry or maybe you needed a reason to leave me (again). But it‘s always the question: who of us leaves whom? Because when I got you around I can‘t stand you, but when you leave me I need you back.

I still remember - back then, 2nd & 3rd june - how happy I was. But I also remember how you broke it. You broke it all. You might never know that I knew I would end it all. I knew this would be the „last“ time I would see you. Today I know it was never that easy to leave you, it‘ll never be. You slept next to me & I whispered „I love you“ just to be sure you hear it, not because I want to hear it back. I made you breakfast, for the first time I tried to show you I like you. But there was something. A message on your phone I‘ll never forget. Then I knew you didn‘t like me. You liked someone else. But I tried to tell me that, „maybe,she likes him but he doesn‘t like her that much.“. It didn‘t worked because she came to you right after I left. So I walked trough the city, a city that became kind of a second home to me because you lived there. But I walked without my heart. I left it at your home to make sure you got it. I wanted to tell you, as I walked out your door, that we‘ll never see each other again. But I couldn‘t. So I said nothing. You started asking me what‘s wrong, but I just couldn‘t tell you. Because if I did, I was sure, I wouldn‘t leave. I walked to the bus, catching other men starring at me. It hurt because they weren‘t you. You texted me what were wrong and I told you I didn‘t want to see you again. And I told you I loved you, but you didn‘t care. Because you cared about someone else.

to my muse - from my soul

​geschrieben 1.April 2018 Du bleibst für immer in mir und trägst ein Stück von mir bei dir, doch das Stück von mir bei dir, ist nicht mehr als ein Souvenir. Die Wohnung gibts nicht mehr, war danach nur kalt und schwer, das Bett danach nur kalt und leer, kahl vom warten auf deine Rückkehr. Es ist komisch jetzt für mich, denke kaum noch mehr an dich, und dennoch ist da dein Gesicht, wo das Licht den Schatten bricht. Den Schatten der Nächte voller Schmerz, den Schatten der Tage neben deinem Herz, ein Herz, dass nicht mehr weiß wohin es schlägt, und wie viel Last es noch erträgt. Ich glaube Liebe ist das falsche Wort, denn du warst meine Frage ohne Antwort, deine Nähe war mein Rückzugsort, doch mit Frieden lass ich dich hinfort. Du verdienst jemand der dich so nimmt, wie ich es tat und wo die Zeit stimmt, wo du dir sicher bist, dass es so passt, für mich hast du zu mir gepasst. Du hast es nie gefühlt wie ich, schneller Herzschlag, kalter Herzstich, fandest immer Wege zu versprechen was du brichst, du hast mich nie gefühlt wie ich. Die Stadt, die einst so oft besuchte, ist die Stadt, die ich jetzt verfluche, ich fand dort etwas, was ich nie suchte, etwas, was es wert war alles zu versuchen. Du warst da und ich war weg, kalte Scherben am Himmelszelt, mein kalter Stern, der so schnell fällt, du warst da, das hat gezählt. Ein Jahr ist vergangen,seitdem ich dich fand, es hatte nie recht angefangen, du setztest alles auf Stillstand, ich setze alles in den Sand. Du bleibst für immer ein Teil von mir, mein Stift, die Worte auf dem Papier, fand nie die richtigen Worte vor dir, ich will das niemals mehr verliern‘. Du bleibst hier in mir und nach allem dank ich dir, machtest aus der Schwachen ein Krieger und aus der Katze den Tiger. Du bleibst für immer der Junge aus Eis, der Teufel in Person, alter Teufelskreis, doch auch bleibst du das Nordlicht am Himmel, Regentropfen an der Fensterscheibe, immer ein Stück von dir,in allem was ich schreibe.

Ice cold against my broken heart, scalding hot against your body parts. And i took your shadow with my light, turned your frost pattern into my headlight, to watch you leave at midnight.

„I want you“, and as i thought: it was the last time, and i followed you like a lost puppy, boy, you should’ve saw the signs, no more „Can we meet up?“, i’d like to put you from the main to the sidelines, you have to know: i knew this was the last time, because there’s no will to fight, from both sides, so they were blowing up my phone, and the girl was texting you unknown, yeah, and to be honest: good morning babe, that moment i knew i was gone, but so afraid to know you nomore, as i wispered: i love you while you slept next to me, i thought i was ready, to tell you goodbye, but i couldn’t as i looked in your eyes, and i walked through the door, aware of my mistake, that little good girl faith but i’m sure you didn’t notice, that i loved you from our beginning, even though i know it ends here, i really love you, your eyes, your smell, your smile, your mind, can’t keep you off mine, but i have to let go, still reminds me of you, but i’m sure you didnt notice and sure you forgot.

- was ich 2017 gelernt habe

i watch the sun raising every morning, and i feel better every morning, i watch my daughter growing up, the only reason that my heart would stop to beating is to give her my life so she can survive.

WHY YOU.

- du bist meine muse

[my memories about us]

- clara o‘ malley