World of Her Words

I don’t think I fully know what it means to be loved for myself.

All my life I’ve always been loved because of something, I then turn that something and amplify it and make it my whole personality to ensure that my partner would continuously.

I’m afraid to be forgotten, to bore someone, for someone to be tired of me.

All my life I have to be someone they will love, pick and choose which parts of myself I’d allow them to see.

I am scared to find out that I’m not I’m not for long term;

That all I’m good for is cheap thrills and short adventures.

I mean, let’s be honest, what’s the longest someone has ever loved me?

A year with someone who has someone else?

Half a year with someone who lived in a made-up narcissistic world?

Honestly.

All my life, I’ve only known how to be someone else to be loved.

So, I don’t know what to do when someone says – “just be yourself”, because I’ve never really been loved for it.

What If I’m only good for short term love?

For something exciting?

For something fun?

For something shiny?

I wrote so much about how I want to ask for an explanation over what happened and how it happened. But at the end of the day, you did what you did because you thought that was best for you. I’d like to believe you, that you’re not a bad person, that the person I fell in love with really does exist and that he won’t do anything to hurt me willfully. Those moments with you really felt amazing, it was truly when I felt the happiest. When I felt most loved and cared for. I was my most authentic and vulnerable self with you. Everything you’ve presented to me, I truly loved. I know that what we had was real because it healed me. I want to thank you for that, genuinely. I thought I finally found my forever person, who is truly in sync and similar to me. That there’s no compromise with you. Was. This is such an exceptional kind of pain, where do I turn to for comfort? No book, prose, or song can explain my pain. It’s like air is being pulled from my body. It’s like experiencing sleep paralysis, it’s scary and painful but I can’t do anything about it but watch and hope that it stops soon; and god, I wish it stops soon. I will continue to believe everything you’ve presented to me, because inquiring further as to why and how it all happened will just draw out the pain unnecessarily. I will take it as it is and walk away, it’s not like I have a choice.

I sincerely hope that you find the happiness that you deserve, that you will choose it whenever it presents itself. I can’t wait to be surprised and see your name on the shelves of my local bookstore or read about you and your works, and I will proudly tell people that you were once in my life. I want you to know that I will continue to root for you, no matter what.

To quote one of my favorite books – I’ve realized that no matter where you are or what you’re doing, or who you’re with, I will always honestly, truly, completely love you.  

This is me letting you go.

Have a good life,

I am giving you up and letting go of everything that is holding me back from healing. I take back all of the energy I’ve invested in you and our relationship. I have done everything I could and in my control to make it work but you wont. 

I am giving you up.