My Safe Place

So, yeah, I cried again on my birthday. I am trying so hard to hold back my emotions, but i guess i still can't accept everything that already happened. For the people who have left, for the people who have changed, I can't always hope they would stay same forever. I have to learn accepting it, then move on with my life.

Hi, it's almost my birthday but i don't feel excited to celebrate it. All of my past memories about my birthday are sucks, i always crying on that day. There's nothing special, only hurt that i can remember. Though i am trying to cover my pain with vacations, buying things, etc sometimes that doesn't work. I just, don't like my birthday anymore.

Guess i am getting more sensitive these days. I don't know is this my relapse phase or just me being over with my emotions, but i don't like this feeling, unsure, empty, lonely, paranoid, everything mixed. And my biggest fear actually is, my bad habits will swallow me back and taking me in into that hell again.

Hi I am back. A lot of things happened in the end of 2023, thankfully i am getting better, i don't have to take medicine to keep my feelings okay and i am clean now. I don't do SH again. But, i can feel something missing, i feel empty. Strange. I am okay but also not okay at the same time. I am afraid this feeling will lead me back to my old self destructive habit.

I want to dissappear, i miss the old me, i miss the bright girl, nothing left anymore. I am tired struggling with my own feelings, this brain is sick, my mood is a rollercoaster, i hate people, i hate me, i hate living. I hate being like this.

I can't feel anything anymore. Everything becomes numb. What's the point living like this?

Already 1 month after that day, the most hurtful things i've ever seen. But rather than that, i got burned out recently, i want to stop and doing nothing, my mind feels heavy, my brain can't focusing on what i should do in a day. How to get back in track? I don't like this place anymore.

I am sorry, i am sorry, i am sorry, i am sorry, i am so sorry for being alive.

hahaha as i thought. I hope karma will come to you someday.

I hope you will feel my pain or even worse someday. I hate you so much, if i could i really want to curse you i just hating everything about you today. shitty fairytale, my doctor was wrong, where's my happy ending? Why should i met you? What so good about you? DAMN WHY I AM SO BLIND

I really hate him

I thought i was getting okay, but now i am laying on the floor, feeling empty and full at the same time. I don't know what am i worried so much about my life, this ain't bad but this ain't right either.

Can i just rest for a day? Without thinking about work and my life, but i am afraid if i take a rest even it's just a little, i will lose a lot of chance and regret everything. But i am tired hustle everyday, and i hate being like this.

Honestly i am always tired having insecurities everytime people showing their best achievements. No one's saying bad about me, no ones bad mouthing me, no ones do that. But my mind keep repeating the same dialogue. "You are useless, you are stupid, you are not important, you are this, you are that". I just don't know what to do anymore with this sick head.

I am so sick of waiting. Thinking that maybe i'll be thrown away, because i am not that good enough. This is hurt, so bad. I hate this, i wanna erase my feelings but what can i do? Why i have to fall with someone who doesn't sure about me? Why God? Help me, guide me, save me, i don't want to lost anymore. I want to give back my feelings to you.