Fondly Called

I have a fear of being abandoned. Rejected. That’s why its hard to let go of people. I feel like a little girl in the morning hiding behind the corner of the wall in the hallway in the darkness watching her dad go to work and wondering if he’s ever going to come back. That little girl went on to stay with her mother when her dad and sisters went on a fun trip to keep her mother company so she won’t be alone and might have felt guilty to have gone on, also may have wanted the approval from her mother at the time. This same girl chose to stay with her mother and move down South because she thought how lonely it would be if she stayed with her father, who treated her and her sister better where we were happier, who had the step-mom to keep him company while her mom had no one. How she didn’t give up on her mom and stayed with her to protect and take care of her until it was no longer for those reasons, it changed to reasons of survival and security. The same girl kept making friends with new people or stayed with people who sat alone at lunch tables because that was her herself or because she understood how hard that is or because she wouldn’t be lonely anymore or because the lonelier they were, they’d less likely leave her or to look good in front of others to show how good of a person she is and how good of a friend to be with she can be or to make herself feel better or even in a superior role of a caretaker. I’m no one. If I’m with them, who might also be no one, I can be someone to somebody, to the rest of the world or to them. I make myself feel better to hide how inferior and small I feel or I think I am. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Care about me. Care about me. I’m no one without you. The little girl was no one without her dad. The little girl was excited to have a little sister and opened her arms to welcome her and was pushed away. Her fault, a rejection. I never really thought about that or understood it completely and what it meant in real life and what it meant to me. Her mom told the story where she beat the little sister’s ass for doing that and it made the girl feel slightly better that she wasn’t in the wrong but it was still a rejection. I feel rejected right now when shown no sign of interest. I forget a relationship takes two people and keep taking responsibility for the other person to care about me. That’s what I was taught and shown, it’s my fault for the way someone treats me. It’s my fault that I wasn’t good enough for my dad not to leave for work from me. It’s my fault that he packed his suitcase and divorced mom. He left me because I wasn’t a good enough reason to stay.

I keep trying to measure my worthiness by how others treat me, which isn’t far off from what I learned in Alabama. Where I was taught by them that their opinions didn’t impact my worthiness, what am I learning here? What do I need to learn now to regain worthiness in myself

I feel stupid, I suspect all 4 managers, except for one, maybe, has talked shit about me to other people or behind my back, they’ve done it for others, so, I feel insecure, I’m trying to control their perception of me. I think one who has Taurus all over doesn’t like me, intentionally excluding me from the new sample out of everyone, citing that it would cost more if they included me. They laughed when another decided to turn off my music, without asking me to, just taking my phone without my permission. They said they’d do something I asked for, I can understand their tiredness and how inconsiderate that may have been of me, but then didn’t and left without keeping their word, I thought I was dumb but then another manager gave me that same thing without question. I wasn’t, I felt, left behind. Excluded. Abandoned. Like I’m hustling for my worthiness to this person (and others) by proving how nice and sweet, selfless, honest, authentic I am, I feel stupid. I feel stupid. I feel stupid. None of it worked, I don’t know if they see me as worthy in their eyes. I feel like I have to prove it. Then they’re nice to me sometimes, but they have an incentive to, their job is partly to keep us working there, I feel afraid. I keep looking for acceptance in the wrong place. Part of me pitied or looked down on another for doing this, looking for acceptance from authority figures, they earned it eventually, but it’s not stupid of them to, even if they didn’t eventually get it in the end, they’re expressing a human need (which not everyone expresses in that way or looks for in those specific people). I don’t know what led them to look for that in others, I might be wrong about them in the first place. I’m judging them what I judge in myself. Proving “I’m not like others” because I’m not from here like I did in the other area. It doesn’t make me more or less worthy. I don’t know that. I feel insecure, I feel like I have to be different, or I am different, my ego is involved in all of this. What will others think

Will I be able to put all my shitty first drafts here

Stop letting insignificant people have significance over your lives.

I texted my sister thank you for something when I wanted to a ask for it but that felt vulnerable and I felt afraid of her potential reaction

i need to brush my teeth for myself. May I?

The story I made up in my head is that my manager who is the same age as me was attracted to me for my looks and then realized later on that he wasn’t interested in me or that I led myself on by how charming he speaks because I also low-key believe he has Libra on his chart (or Cancer and Gemini, starting to consider Leo) he thinks I’m not worth it and I’m still charmed by the way he speaks and I want to feel validated that I am desirable and worth it and then that was crushed. The story I made up in my head is that he thinks I’m not worth talking to or greeting. The story I made up in my mind is that I’m not assertive or bantering or ____ enough to keep his attention if I had it in the first place. The story I made up in my head is that I’m not enough for his value and validation. The story I made up in my head is that he’s an opportunist which contributes to the other story that I’m not worth greeting because my position as a worker is low or not valuable, my presence is not needing of acknowledgement because it’s a given I’d give my respects to him anyway (as the manager) or I’m just not worth it (his time or energy or something). The story I made up in my head is that since I acted casually to him, he may have felt disrespected for his position or that I’m dumb and have no direction in my life and is emotion based for him (where he is very efficient, I low-key wondered if he had Virgo, or just Libra, now that I think of it, the Virgo-Libra-Leo combo are often in my biases, so no surprise that I was attracted to him huh or that he was attractive to me.) Not just because the value I see he gives, but because I think he can provide something that I want. The ex-coworker also is one I felt the feeling of desirability around. Not with the current coworker, I feel okay to just be around him, I don't view him in that way either. I like being around him. I feel enough around coworker. I didn’t feel that way with ex-coworker, I was trying to get something from him. I don’t feel like enough with manager. I was used to feeling like that growing up, I wonder if that’s one of the reasons I was attracted to him.