𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺

dolls I've made a substack.

more frequently, more personal, and more real than ever.

if you want messy poetry, spiralling diary entries, and shower thoughts turned into essays...

i miss being casual online.

I really just buy whatever smells most aggressively like vanilla haha

hiii <3 What I usually do is lower the saturation and vibrancy a bit and then play around with the warmth. I also have an album in my camera roll that’s basically my feed plus whatever photo I’m thinking of posting next, and I just tweak the Apple editing settings until it sort of fits. Very unscientific, a lot of trial and error.

Right now I’m trying to shift everything a little darker for winter, but it’s a slow process, which you can probably tell from my lack of posting lol.

One thing I’ve noticed is that photos almost never look good if you mess too much with exposure. I usually leave that alone and instead lift the shadows slightly and lower the darkness, which gives a more natural, cosy look. I also avoid changing contrast because it tends to make photos look harsher or less sharp. Tinting a tiny bit pink helps with cohesion for my feed specifically.

Hii I’m really sorry you’re going through that. Breakups can absolutely wreck your sense of self, especially when you don’t have a big support system around you. You’re not weak for feeling this way, you’re reacting to loss and sudden emotional quiet.

After my own breakup, I put my energy back into things that were solid and mine. University, the gym, my routines, my interests, reading, writing. Not as a distraction, but as a way of re-centring myself. When you don’t have many people around, structure becomes important. It gives your days weight and direction, and that alone helps stabilise self-esteem.

I think self-esteem is less about feeling good about yourself and more about feeling anchored. Knowing what you do with your time. Knowing what you’re working towards. Taking care of your body even when nobody is watching. Those things quietly rebuild confidence without needing external validation.

Being alone can actually sharpen that process. Without constant input from others, you get clearer on who you are and what matters to you. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s very honest. You start building a relationship with yourself that isn’t dependent on someone else choosing you.

If you’re struggling right now, I’d focus on small, concrete things. Commit to a routine. Pick one thing you want to improve or deepen and give it real attention. Self-esteem tends to follow action, not the other way around.

hiii thank you, that’s really kind.

Boarding school is complicated. I don’t regret it, but I also wouldn’t romanticise it the way people online often do. It gives you independence very early, sometimes too early. You grow up fast, you learn how to be self contained, how to read people, how to exist in enclosed systems. That can be useful, but it can also be isolating.

I was an only child, and in that sense I actually loved the community it gave me. It always felt like having a lot of sisters around me, which was something I didn’t have growing up. That closeness can be intense, but it can also be comforting, especially if you’re used to being on your own.

School also becomes much more central to your life. You can’t really escape it when you live there. At least at my school, studying was very structured and quite strict, and you were expected to be disciplined and consistent. There’s less room to drift or be careless, which can be good, but it also adds pressure.

Would I recommend it? Only for very specific people. If you’re already quite independent, introspective, and okay with being on your own emotionally, it can suit you. If you need a lot of warmth, softness, or parental presence, it can be rough.

Do I wish I went to a regular school instead? Sometimes, yes. Mostly in small, ordinary ways. Coming home every day. Having a more normal sense of continuity. But boarding school shaped me in ways a regular school probably wouldn’t have, and I can’t fully separate myself from that.

In general, I think boarding schools are strange little worlds. Intense, emotionally charged, very hierarchical. They produce closeness and distance at the same time. You don’t leave untouched, but whether that’s good or bad really depends on the person.

I don’t really watch much YouTube, but the one German creator I genuinely like is Lotta Stichler. Her videos are very aesthetic, and she’s from the same city as me, which I like haha. The pace is calm and the language feels natural, so it’s nice to listen to German without it feeling loud or forced.

Other than that, I don’t really follow any German influencers or YouTubers.

hi angel <3 thank you for checking in. I’ve been quiet on here because october nearly took me out. I had a severe allergic reaction to nuts, ended up hospitalised, and for a while it was genuinely unclear how bad things were going to get. oxygen was an issue, and I had to go through several rounds of treatment that left me completely knocked out.

there were also complications with my liver and spleen, which sounds dramatic because it was. apparently when your body is in full shutdown mode, it drags everything into the mess. I’ve spent the last few weeks recovering and very slowly returning to something that looks like normal.

romaticise studying. rainy autumn nights were made for this. a dim lamp, rain pressing gently against the window, your handwriting sprawling across the pages. it doesn't matter if it's neat. the trick is to believe you're part of some story, the lonely student in some tower, reading while the world darkens outside.

leave the house sometimes. yes, it's cold, but crisp air can save your mind. the way streetlights glow in fog is reason enough to go outside. sometimes the best cure for autumn melancholy is just to walk until your cheeks burn and you feel alive again.

candles and fairy lights. no one survives autumn in a bare room. you need atmosphere: flickering shadows on the wall, the soft glow of lights draped clumsily but perfectly. your space should hum like a secret.

embrace the solitude. autumn isn't a group project. you can let yourself vanish a little; spend evenings buried in blankets, rereading the same book over and over again, replaying the same song until it feels like a prayer. solitude doesn't mean emptiness; in autumn, it feels like a secret you get to keep.

accept the melancholy. autumn is supposed to ache a little. don't fight it. make the sad playlist, write the unfinished poem, stare out the window longer than you should. sadness is softer in autumn, it can be beautiful if you let it.

part two of 'how to survive autumn without becoming feral' which could also simply read as 'how to not get depressed' haha

how do i create a good daily routine and STAY in it? i always stop following it as soon as day 3 hits :,p

hi love <3 honestly, I get it. the hardest part of routines isn’t making them, it’s surviving the first few days without quietly ghosting your own life lol. day 3 always hits like a brick.

here’s what’s helped me:

don’t build a fantasy version of yourself. you’re not trying to become some 5am matcha girl overnight. your routine should fit you, your pace, your priorities, your actual energy levels. be honest about what’s realistic now, not what sounds aesthetic.

write it down like it’s a checklist, not a manifesto. make it specific. don’t write “read more.” write “read 10 pages after dinner.” vague routines die fast. concrete ones survive.

make your routine frictionless. set out your clothes. charge your devices. prep what you can the night before. the less decision-making involved, the less resistance.

when you fall off, re-enter gently. you don’t need to spiral or start over from scratch. just pick it back up. one task. one part of the routine. and keep going. discipline is about return, not perfection.

do one thing in your routine that feels beautiful. a slow skincare step. lighting a candle before you study. drinking coffee on the balcony. something that makes it your life, not just a to-do list.