𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺

dolls I've made a substack.

more frequently, more personal, and more real than ever.

if you want messy poetry, spiralling diary entries, and shower thoughts turned into essays...

write about a childhood memory that keeps coming back even though nothing particularly important happened in it. maybe it is just a room, or a game you used to play, or maybe the sound music or voices from another part of the house. try remembering it properly, not just the version you've been repeated to yourself. what did it smell like, was it morning or already dark, how old were you, were you wearing something you would hate now, what did you think was going on? and why did your brain keep that one tiny scene so clearly when there are whole years you can barely remember. maybe it came back because of your mood now, or because something in your life feels vaguely similar, or maybe there is no reason and that is the strangest part.

think about someone you barely knew and still remember all the time. like genuinely barely knew. one night, one week, one summer, whatever. write down everything you still know about them and then everything you have probably invented since.

write about the last time something felt a bit supernatural, even though you know it probably was not. a message arriving at the exact wrong or right moment, seeing the same number over and over again, hearing something in an empty house, dreaming about somebody and then seeing them the next day. write the sensible version first. then write the version you would tell if you were allowed to be slightly delusional about it.

make a list of things you used to be obsessed with and then dropped without ceremony. not just songs and books, also people, foods, apps you checked every day, outfits you wore until you hated them, routines, ways of speaking, entire personalities. don’t organise it into eras or explain yourself too much. I think it is more interesting to see what appears next to what. maybe there is something on the list you did not actually stop loving, you just forgot to look at it.

pick one dream (sleepy dreams not goals lol) that stayed with you and write down every part you can still remember before it disappears again. the silly details too. especially the silly details. where did it happend and did you know the place? were you alone or with someone and if so did you know them? did something feel completely normal in the dream and then horrible or strange once you woke up? and what had been going on around that time, what were you thinking about too much, who were you missing, what had you watched before bed, what were you trying not to think about. don’t make every object into a symbol because sometimes a chair is probably just a chair, but sometimes it really does feel like your brain knows something before you do.

write about an object you have kept for no proper reason. maybe it is broken, ugly, cheap, cute, from somebody you do not speak to anymore, or just something you have moved from drawer to drawer for years. where did it come from? when was the last time you actually looked at it? imagine throwing it away and be honest about whether you would care. I have things I would not notice were gone for months and would still be devastated when I finally realised.

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yayy that's it guys, first post after a looong time! I missed you guys so much, and I hope you all are having a lovely summer so far. <3

questiones or requests -> ask malu

i miss being casual online.

I really just buy whatever smells most aggressively like vanilla haha

hiii <3 What I usually do is lower the saturation and vibrancy a bit and then play around with the warmth. I also have an album in my camera roll that’s basically my feed plus whatever photo I’m thinking of posting next, and I just tweak the Apple editing settings until it sort of fits. Very unscientific, a lot of trial and error.

Right now I’m trying to shift everything a little darker for winter, but it’s a slow process, which you can probably tell from my lack of posting lol.

One thing I’ve noticed is that photos almost never look good if you mess too much with exposure. I usually leave that alone and instead lift the shadows slightly and lower the darkness, which gives a more natural, cosy look. I also avoid changing contrast because it tends to make photos look harsher or less sharp. Tinting a tiny bit pink helps with cohesion for my feed specifically.

Hii I’m really sorry you’re going through that. Breakups can absolutely wreck your sense of self, especially when you don’t have a big support system around you. You’re not weak for feeling this way, you’re reacting to loss and sudden emotional quiet.

After my own breakup, I put my energy back into things that were solid and mine. University, the gym, my routines, my interests, reading, writing. Not as a distraction, but as a way of re-centring myself. When you don’t have many people around, structure becomes important. It gives your days weight and direction, and that alone helps stabilise self-esteem.

I think self-esteem is less about feeling good about yourself and more about feeling anchored. Knowing what you do with your time. Knowing what you’re working towards. Taking care of your body even when nobody is watching. Those things quietly rebuild confidence without needing external validation.

Being alone can actually sharpen that process. Without constant input from others, you get clearer on who you are and what matters to you. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s very honest. You start building a relationship with yourself that isn’t dependent on someone else choosing you.

If you’re struggling right now, I’d focus on small, concrete things. Commit to a routine. Pick one thing you want to improve or deepen and give it real attention. Self-esteem tends to follow action, not the other way around.

hiii thank you, that’s really kind.

Boarding school is complicated. I don’t regret it, but I also wouldn’t romanticise it the way people online often do. It gives you independence very early, sometimes too early. You grow up fast, you learn how to be self contained, how to read people, how to exist in enclosed systems. That can be useful, but it can also be isolating.

I was an only child, and in that sense I actually loved the community it gave me. It always felt like having a lot of sisters around me, which was something I didn’t have growing up. That closeness can be intense, but it can also be comforting, especially if you’re used to being on your own.

School also becomes much more central to your life. You can’t really escape it when you live there. At least at my school, studying was very structured and quite strict, and you were expected to be disciplined and consistent. There’s less room to drift or be careless, which can be good, but it also adds pressure.

Would I recommend it? Only for very specific people. If you’re already quite independent, introspective, and okay with being on your own emotionally, it can suit you. If you need a lot of warmth, softness, or parental presence, it can be rough.

Do I wish I went to a regular school instead? Sometimes, yes. Mostly in small, ordinary ways. Coming home every day. Having a more normal sense of continuity. But boarding school shaped me in ways a regular school probably wouldn’t have, and I can’t fully separate myself from that.

In general, I think boarding schools are strange little worlds. Intense, emotionally charged, very hierarchical. They produce closeness and distance at the same time. You don’t leave untouched, but whether that’s good or bad really depends on the person.

I don’t really watch much YouTube, but the one German creator I genuinely like is Lotta Stichler. Her videos are very aesthetic, and she’s from the same city as me, which I like haha. The pace is calm and the language feels natural, so it’s nice to listen to German without it feeling loud or forced.

Other than that, I don’t really follow any German influencers or YouTubers.