Having this is the punishment for all the sins it has made me commit

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@whiteringaway
Having this is the punishment for all the sins it has made me commit

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I might be feeling bad, but Iâm not doing bad.
2 years ago losing her wouldâve immediately sent me to the psych ward
A year ago I wouldâve relapsed
Now? I cry a lot and write out the worst of my feelings. Iâve come far, even though I feel like shit.
You killed me
And now I have to live whilst being dead
Now I have to drag this corpse around and act as if thatâs living
You steal my life
Not now kitten daddy's googling his symptoms

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I need to stop thinking it will get better and need to continue as if it wonât
But each time it truly seems different.
My mascara is the best mascara ever, but it will run like crazy with 1 drop of water
It makes every crying session REALLY aesthetic
Ainât that what we do it for
when she does anything to it at all
âEmotional abuse works like this: You are screamed at, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself. You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.But this only provokes more screaming. Going silent provokes more screaming too, but usually it keeps the threats to the minimum. It keeps it just at screaming and not: a shove down the stairs, or order to pack your stuff and get out. So you learn how to go silent. How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise. How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. You learn. And when the screaming has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and theyâre all smiles, all asking for favors, all questions, you are still hurt and annoyed and want to ask them, how? How can you speak to me like that? How can you pretend you did not say those things? How can you have forgotten? But youâve learned. So you listen to, âCan I borrow your keyâs and âhow was your dayâs and you play dead. You swallow the noise. And sometimes it doesnât matter who is speaking to you, it doesnât matter if theyâre a friend, it doesnât matter if their criticism is constructive, it doesnât matter. Youâve learned. Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice, any insult and you play dead.â
â Good Girl, Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)

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Belladonna of Sadness 1973
Mental illness has ruined my relationships, ruined my body, ruined my life.
Filling in a thought record is truly one of the hardest things about dbt
I hate seeing where things came from and how I couldâve done it differently if I had seen it in the moment
I know it helps in the long run but god damn it

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You have always been the reason I want to be better
You are why I try
You are why I got better
You are why I use my skills
Yet, you seem like the only one who never gets to see it or reap the benefits
Will I ever be able to prove myself?
Will the good things I do ever matter?