Tea For One

Hi past me or I guess future me I am currently actually just doing talk-to-text and I just wanted to let myself know that in case this is a hot mess that it was not mutating but I was hoping to do this and ordered to vent and less of keeping kind of like a diary and updating it a lot it's easier if I just talk about what I want to talk about so I'm having a lot of anxiety worry like a lot I can't message any of my friends back I have so many voicemails i'm struggling to talk to my clients I'm struggling to talk to my coworkers i'm not really sure what to do or where to go with this issue I did contact my own therapist Jennifer regarding this cuz I was just like hey I think I'm isolating myself outside while this is happening there is the kitty Ricky[]]]]]]] and jumping up on my desk she's about to walk she's about to walk all across my computer so how now we're not going through this again girly anyways I just get this weird feeling in my chest like it's almost tight of anxiety I really think I want to interact with people and I want to go out and do things so I don't know what to do with someone but I know that it also causes me a lot of stress whenever I'm in a like a friendship or talking with someone and I just get like worried that you sure communications is going to have to happen like it's really hard to describe for me right now at least out loud I feel like sometimes I have my thoughts in my head and I know them like it's like a voice in my head my voice but it's not coming out when I try to speak I think it's because if I talk to people I feel obligated to continue conversations with them whether it be just a different conversation or feeling like I am obligated to talk to them again just in general and that Spooks me cuz I'm like what if I don't have energy or whatever else I am not quite sure but it's very hard to articulate +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ again to myself I apologize Ricky is someone on the keyboard she has been on the number pad at the end and that was after I kind of like pushed her off but anyways I don't know talking about this doesn't really make me feel better+++++++++++ I just + word I'm tired of being responsible for a lot of things I really want to work just so I can keep my anxious + hey I don't know earlier I thought I felt lonely and I thought I felt depressed but now I think it's just anxiety

Nevertheless, I also need to think of the hardest parts of my past that is hard to accept that deal with my mother. One that came to mind was how she left me with the Gammons to stay instead of being home with her and my brother. Another could be leaving me in the fire of the Cavness apartment. Though, I think the worst was when she told me how she felt when I was first born. She saw me with no love and thought I hideous as I was red and gross. I was never loved from the start. I accept how I looked and have “glown up.” But it reminds me that I hated my mother more when she was sober. Maybe that is why I fear her as she has gone through AA before and even have other sober friend(s). Aka Moira.

Hearing: My dad excitedly yelling at football games on the television. Though I know they are not threatening, the yells cause me to flinch. I get so uncomfortable when people raise their voice without maintaining a strangely positive tone.

10 years till I moved to my father’s (around 13): My mum and I had discovered a black abandoned kitten underneath our shed in the back yard. My mum helped me lure it out and capture it. When then got it to the vet and kept it till we found someone to be a kind owner of him. His name was Bear (the kitty lol). 

Recently i masturbate not because im horny or bored, i do it in hopes of a rush of seratonin

Gianni:  He was so nasty to me at the beginning. Immediately after getting head he would hop onto couch surfing and show me all of the girls he found attractive. He lied about helping me to my sports therapy and made me wheel back, which made me feel like I needed to do that regularly. He constantly chose Fabi over me. Kava and Kratom over me. All he would do is talk about threesomes with Fabi and hopes about her masturbating to our hushed moans. Hopes of switching girefirends with his best friends, as if we were sex toys. He never holds a conversation. He wn’t show me to his friends. He won’t make time for me this summer except to meet in Melbourne to fuck. I am tired of the constant back and forth in my head about him. Fuck his birthday. Fuck him. As I am writing this I am starting to cry. How did I get here again. Goddamnit, Melanie. Fuck. He hopes a baby animal picture will distract me from all of it. Believes his forced apology has ultimately forgiven and forgotten these horrors from my mind. I don’t know what to think. I also know he has a harsh home life. That all of the friends he has made are drunks. That he has anxiety and fears fr the future. Though I should not sacrifice my happiness for anyone, including a boy, but what if it’s all just in my head? I feel like it is since that’s what the world is screaming at me. I am tired of shredding myself to pieces. I do not want to be a slave, but I do not wish to be blind. How do I even find that line to walk? I know he has my cute sticky notes that he sees most every day. I know he says good morning and good night back to me. He responds while catches breaks at work. That he shared that he wanted to change and transform himself to only me. Maybe it’s me who’s the problem.

I am lost. I would like to talk more about my issues. My loneliness issue, my issues in my love life with Gianni, my mood swings issues, my medical issues, my eating issues. my body confidence issues, with my addiction issues, etc. But Those feel irrelevant after thinking about how I am internally unhealthy. This missing foundation to life must be tackled, and that’s why I remain lost in a well. 

I did not move out of my dorm (RHO 732B) until the 4th of May though, which was a mess, but it’s over with, I don’t have to pay anything, and I never have to interact with Fabi ever again. Thank the lord for he is real. Since then I have gone on a spontaneous trip to Atlanta, Georgia with Gianni and his mother. Another you read that right moment! He loosened up to being labeled boyfriend and girlfriend around spring break and I met his mother during that time. Sweet woman, but she could really use a new filter, I think hers might be clogged. Anyhow, I spent a Saturday through a Thursday with him! Jeez, it was so nice having that huge Wyndham hotel all to ourselves. Every evening when we would return from the days shenanigans we would shower, journal, and then cuddle in the humongous king sized bed anddd.... etc. It was quite a thrill! I am able to say that tomorrow, Sunday June 2nd, I will be driving to Melbourne, Florida to spend one night with him once again at a La Quinta hotel! We’re going to meet up first at the waffle house nearby our hotel at about 2 in the afternoon. I wonder how it’s going to go, especially since he mentioned (not me first) that he needs to pick up rubbers. I am SO excited! Mostly for the bond that I feel is made during penetrative intercourse. If you’re in it just for the physical activity, it is very much overrated. I do like how he phrased it though in the fact that sex is either kind or kinky. I will be updating about that some time next week! I also have somehow found myself shaving a strip. He seems to love that trail, so I guess it’s cool with me! I will be waking up early tomorrow to shave and figure out any last second adjustments. Hopefully I will be more awake than I have been since summer break at 9 in the morning. I will make myself be anyhow. I found that coffee is superior to the wrath of Reign energy drinks for awakeness, but coffee helps my digestive system and Reign actually worsens that. I am slowly falling back into the unhealthy eating habits and I know I have slipped right back into negative body image. It used to be I was ecstatic at a “whopping” 150 pounds. After that, the old Melanie would freak out about losing her curves. I am now slightly about 140 pounds and I still would be happy with even more weight taken off of my 6 foot self. I have kept a lot more of my boob than I had thought, maybe that’s why I am starting to hunger for more weight to drop off of my figure. At the moment, if I lift my arms you can see the protruding 4 bottom ribs. I still cannot believe that a body changes throughout the day. Today, I went out and purchased two wireless bras from the local Target at size L (to be fair, the waistband fit at a medium, but I was not a fan of the quad boob.) As I was taking off one bra on to try another, I had a brief glimpse of the ribs on my chest. Needless to say that I was very shocked. Almost horrified that I have let myself get here. It’s like when I joke about how I never thought I would survive until college, and part of that was very serous. I do not want to meet the monster that is thin-spo me. 

Got bored today, had a fashion show

I literally say that every time I am on here just to make me feel less like a shitty person for not even being able to keep up with an online, easy access, diary. But it’s fine. Let’s just use the excuse of I have a lot going on in my life. But seriously, I guess I do in a way. I have all my medical shit still, that’s sort of mellowing out finally, fingers crossed. I did also get diagnosed with Livedo Reticularis since last being on this account, so that’s cool. Which makes it even funnier that I am typing this with blue nails and pale hands. Like usual, a lot has changed. I am with Gianni at this point and I have also picked up on my committed relationship with anxiety. It’s hard. I am so worried and scared of losing Gianni which is wild. I fell again for another boy. Wow okay so to back up a bit! I hate Mitchell. I hate Kat. Fuck Tampa people in general. I can’t believe I had to attend the band banquet for my fucking piccolo and belt. I can’t stand them. Dad just got back into the country. I just ended Fabi’s friendship I think. I also ruined Taylor’s and I’s. and Phoenix and I’s. It’s for the best I guess. I have been in this sour rut lately and I cannot seem to get out as much as I try.  I don’t know what is consuming me, and it’s uncomfortable, but is it for the best? I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to think. The people I should trust would be a question of mine too except I can’t even seem to trust myself lately anyways so I am lost. I am so lost. I am confused and desensitized to it all. I had my Cultural Anthropology mid term today. See, I am all over the place and I don’t even want to explain it to my later self via this writing. What is there to explain anymore? I’m thinking about popping a Xan tonight with Gianni. If not, 100% tomorrow. I know that life is a bunch of questions that either lead to unwelcome answers, dead ends, and more questions, but how will I ever know if those doors that I refuse to open if I don’t get to know those unwelcoming answers. Basically I am just doing my normal blab about medications and hating how I don’t want to be reliant or ‘abnormal’. But here we are. I don’t know what to say. There’s just so much but none of it even matters. Rock on! :)

 I think it makes me feel like I am almost being productive. I do have three or four papers due soon this week, but ya know, fuck me up on that good procrastination shit. Okay, but I do not like the keyboard on my laptop, it likes to do weird things, so I apologize if something goes horribly wrong while writing this. Wow, I even apologize to myself. I am a huge ass mess LMAO. So I read back over the last post I made to see where I have left off, because frankly I don’t write as much as I wish I did on here. I know it helps and yet... I am so fucking masochistic. It’s fucking great. The best shit. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! ANYHOW... So I did end up breaking up with Mitchell, I drove all the way out to Tampa to do it. And yet that night we spent it together kissing and cuddling. I did end up driving out the next weekend or maybe two weeks later for a game and spent Friday night through Sunday with him kissing, cuddling, fucking a bunch. Still anxious to get my period in a week and a half because a condom did break. Anyways, I wish he missed me as much as I miss him. I messed up, but who fucking cares, I didn’t really, I am just a masochistic fuck. But I do have some developments, so let’s back up to the last post about how the noon game was on my birthday. I went on the field for halftime and Abby told me that I didn’t look good and told me I should sit out. I wish I had listened. Everything has changed because I didn’t. I had a “heat stroke” and ended up at St. Joseph’s hospital. I was then half crippled, my brain fried and every single muscle on the right side of me from head to toes was damaged. And still are, but I’ll build up to that. I ended going to see the Wellness center here for it and they sent me to Bayfront. Both places are awful hospitals. I ended up going a third time when my father came in town to visit. My muscle relaxers cause an awful stroke like reaction in me and I ended up in Palms of Pasadena Hospital for three days. Nothing like given hope and having it stripped away by doctors giving up, neurologists telling me to write my will, being told to drop out, and that it’s all just from anxiety. The bill came in for that recently too. Fifty thousand dollars. And what a waste of time it was. Fast forward to the USF vs. Tulsa game. Which, btw , I was happy I didn’t have to watch because I was stuck in the tunnels of Ray Jay. I woke up Sunday morning and ended up over heating some fucking how and damaging the left side of my body. So now both sides spasms randomly and left me relying on a wheelchair. But I can’t believe I still fucked Mitchell after that episode. I can’t believe he didn’t kiss me after the last time. But it’s whatever I guess. I guess I don’t matter. I guess I never mattered as me to him but rather just as a girlfriend to fuck. Everyone has pretty much dropped me since I had to quit HOT. Kat and Mitchell barely speak to me anymore. Alli did say she misses me, but that doesn’t mean she communicates with me, so I’m not sure how much she really means that she misses me. Their words just feel so empty. They had their first game yesterday without me completely. I shouldn’t feel heartbroken at all, yet here I am. So numb from all the pain. We lost hardcore to Houston so I guess I didn’t miss much, but whatever, the pictures say otherwise. I did go to John Hopkins all children last Friday with my father and they gave up on me too. Luckily they did get me a specialist though, s fingers crossed that pricey as appointment goes well and is worth the money this coming Friday. OH and Brooke and Louis are lying, selfish, two faced cunts, and you can’t do shit to change my mind about that. But hey, so are all of my roommates. Except Sandy. I like her. Otherwise they are rude to me when all I am is nice and try to kill me via heat stroke, but it’s whatever. It’s fine. I just wish I could die on my own terms and not theirs. I still daydream about bleeding to death all the time. I guess that’s one thing about me that will never change. I hate the student disability center here for stripping me away from my wheelchair and not even apologizing efficiently. Thank goodness for Seabass finally fucking stepping in, but I can’t believe he didn’t until I was crying on everyone completely depressed and broken. If you see me struggling you should step in before it gets to  that point, but fine whatever I guess. Don’t @ me, I am still extremely appreciative. Just annoys me. Everyone thinks they’re perfect and a hero for taking care of me, but they don’t realize they’re not gods to me, they’re not my boyfriend, they’re a human I appreciate. @ Seabass and Mitchell. But it’s fine. Wow I write that a lot, but too lazy to go back and fix it. I am really sure he likes me, especially since he said he wants to see what I look like in his shirt, but ya know ya girl is only internally screaming a shit ton. I just want to be left alone. I hate boys like fuck. Dick isn’t even great. Sex isn’t great. Life isn’t great woot woot....... anyways there’s also the creep Riddley, I mean he’s cool but he’s also like not the type I want to be alone with. Gianni is pretty cool, I just don’t like how extreme he is, like about jokes and shit and how he smokes. I am so tired of people telling me I need to smoke to fix my stress and anxiety and especially my health recently. Just respect my no thank you. I am tired of all the shit talking I hear. I am tired of the constant disrespect. I am tired of being left out because I am disabled. I am tired of horny as Ben Turner. But I’m numb so it’s fine. I think that’s it for the moment... I’ll post some pictures soon from my phone. Go bulls!