#diagnosed

If you’ve ever shot a bow you’d know how it feels to release.

When you are shooting a bow you hold your breath. You straighten your spine. Dial in your vision on the target. Pull the string back with a heave of strength. Your eyes focus on the tip of the arrow. Your arm holding the bow moves ever so slightly and you miss your chance. You aim again reminding yourself to shoot the moment you see your shot. Hesitation kills your chance.

Sometimes you have to take into account the wind and whether you’re up hill or down hill. You have to calculate where you aim to hit your actual mark.

And when you finally shoot you relax your focus. Your bow goes to your side, and your muscles relax. You take a breath in and watch the arrow throttle through the air. You watch where it goes so you can retrieve it later.

The satisfaction bubbles in your chest when you hit your target.

But imagine you didn’t have that. Imagine for a second that there was no release. Your muscles stay tense. Your mind stays focused. The anticipation never resolves. There’s no satisfaction in your actions.

In fact, the longer you stay like that the more the exhaustion grows. It engulfs you like your own skin. The skin you wear day in and day out. Skin that you can’t ever take off.

Every day you look for that release, but you can’t let go of that arrow. You are stuck. Unable to take action but unable to unnock your arrow. You’re stuck forever in anticipatory stasis. Stuck in limbo between inaction and action.

That’s what anxiety feels like. An exhausted state of anticipation. And many people can release that arrow. They can let that arrow fly and nock another. But you can’t.

You watch everyone else with reverence. Wanting so badly to do the same. But you can’t. You can never feel the relief they do. You can never experience what it feels like.

Just found out my mom has been getting her ass kicked lately by the hospital cus she still hasn't gotten me signed up into 2 programs, the social program (cus my ass swings both ways on if I'm in an introvert or an extrovert sometimes) and the other program, what is that other program? Not even my own mother knows, and I'm pretty it has been WEEKS or even a month by now gang like my dear mother in arms. Sometimes, your apathy truly and I mean truly makes me wonder how the hell have you not been diagnosed yet with some sort of disorder cus this apathy is deadass even bleeding into my own mental care like jesus christ gang 😔

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