Where is my mind

Sometimes people HUGELY over-estimate how long Andrew & Kevin have known each for by the beginning of TFC. I have seen people believe that Kevin & Andrew were friends for over a year to years before Neil arrived in TFC. When in reality, Kevin arrived in Palmetto in December & recovered at Abby’s. Andrew & Nicky & Aaron & Erik spent Christmas/NY in Columbia. Andrew returned Jan & THAT is when he makes a deal with Kevin.

They sign Neil in April & Neil arrives in Palmetto in May. Andrew & Kevin have known each other approximately four months. Prior to this they met ONCE when Kevin & Riko tried to recruit Andrew to the Ravens. Moreover, Kevin trying to recruit Andrew to the Ravens failed. And while this could be b/c of Andrew’s refusal to leave Aaron & Nicky - Andrew also didn’t know that Wymack would sign all three of them at that point. As far as Andrew was aware, Nicky would be returning to Germany & his + Aaron’s deal would be over by the end of High School.

I partially believe that Kevin’s promise of getting Andrew off his court-mandated drugs and suggesting that he & Riko “always get what they want,” raised some major red flags for Andrew. Andrew is clever enough to realize that by letting Kevin & Riko be responsible for getting him off his meds, he owes them. Moreover, that show of power - that Riko’s connections can sway even courts & law-enforcement - probably freaked Andrew the fuck out. The last thing Andrew would want is to be indebted to people with that much power (I think Kevin was trying to use this show of power as a lure - it probably has worked on many Ravens. Andrew, however, views people with more power than himself as a threat).

I also think this moment is FASCINATING for Kevin’s character and might be a hint of what we will see in TPC. There is often a focus on how Kevin rejected whatever kidnapping scheme Riko proposed to “give” Andrew to him (good on you, Kevin). However, Kevin still tried to recruit Exy players he thought were talented - like Andrew - to the Ravens! A highly abusive cult! This is such brilliant character insight. [I think this also ties into when Nora answered that if Andrew HAD joined the Ravens he would have hated Riko & Kevin equally].

I also want to briefly touch on Kevin’s line of “you’re worth it” and “being the first person to tell Andrew he was worth something.” First, when Kevin says “you’re worth it” he is referring to Andrew’s Exy skills. He doesn’t really know Andrew AT ALL as a person. He’s referring to the fact that Andrew is a fantastic goalie who is worth investing in as a Raven. Second, characters often say things that aren’t actually true based on their own bias/perceptions/knowledge (this is good writing). I often see Kevin saying that he was the “first” person to tell Andrew he was worth something taken as fact. Perhaps, Kevin means he was the first person to tell Andrew he was worth something in Exy. However, Kevin WAS NOT the first person to tell Andrew he was worth something period. Andrew tells us himself that Cass wanted to adopt him & pay for him to attend college. Nicky tells us he did not return to Germany to help Andrew & Aaron repair their relationship. People before Kevin thought Andrew was worth something. *Another mention of characters who say things based on their own bias: Nicky when he calls Andrew “scary territorial” over Kevin. This is often taken out of context. This is not a romantic line. Nicky says this in reference to the fact that Andrew punched him for saying he wanted to get Kevin too wasted to be straight. I think most readers recognize that when Andrew threatens Nicky about Neil in TFC, it wasn’t b/c Andrew was already in love with Neil. Andrew is not lashing out at Nicky b/c he thinks Nicky is making moves on the men Andrew wants. Andrew is lashing out at Nicky b/c Nicky is joking about sexual assault.

Anyway, Andrew was actually friends with Renee before he met Kevin. Aaron & Nicky were the ONLY two characters who knew Andrew prior to Andrew being on his court-mandated medication. Kevin’s longest friendships are Riko, Jean, and Thea.

Neil’s initial perception of “The Monsters” as One United Group in TFC is wrong. None of “the Monsters” are initially close in TFC. And Neil later realizes this! Andrew & Aaron do not speak to one another & refuse to sit beside each other. They’re in a cold war. Andrew refuses to recognize Nicky as his family & Nicky is desperately trying to get Aaron & Andrew to reconcile while also facing homophobia from Aaron & apathy + anger from Andrew.

Andrew & Kevin made their deal despite barely knowing one another, which leads to conflict! (Which makes sense b/c conflict is essential to story-telling). Andrew on multiple occasions accuses Kevin of lies & betrayal & not trusting Andrew’s promise (leftover trauma from Aaron I’m guessing + Kevin actually hiding shit from Andrew but also Kevin often does this at another person’s request - Wymack, Neil, etc., yet it obviously still bothers Andrew). While Andrew HOPES that Kevin will fulfill his end of the deal (giving Andrew something to build a life around when he comes off his court-mandated medication) he himself doesn’t believe Kevin will fulfill his part of their deal either. There is actually a lot of distrust between them, which I think makes sense when considering how little they have ACTUALLY known each other for.

Moreover, part of Andrew’s lack of belief in Kevin following through on his end of the deal is b/c Kevin is very stubborn about insisting that Exy will give Andrew a desire to live/something to build his life around… and I think Andrew knows himself well enough to know that was never going work (in fact Nora has confirmed countless of times that it wasn’t going to work. Without Neil, Kevin would have failed). Kevin’s insistence on Exy being enough for Andrew however makes sense for Kevin.

Andrew & Kevin actually have several violent fights throughout AFTG. There is the fight that takes place pre-TFC where Kevin throws Andrew’s racquet down the court & Andrew threatens to break his own fingers. There is the fight after Andrew gets the call from Higgins & wants to leave and Kevin tells him to ‘knock it off you can’t leave’ and Andrew punches a wall. There is the fight after Andrew agrees to shut down the goal for Wymack & Kevin shoves him and Andrew slices him with his knife. There are many other smaller, less violent fights. However, as Andrew tells Neil/us he likes to tell Kevin no and part of that stems from Kevin’s behaviour. (This is also why Andrew/Neil’s “yes or no” doesn’t really transfer as well to Kevin/Andrew… sometimes I see it used for them but it doesn’t mesh with their canonical characters dynamics).

When Neil gives Kevin his game in TFC and Kevin says, “he understands,” with a pointed look at Andrew. In the context of their deal this is absolutely FASCINATING. Kevin is, tbh, not putting actual work into fulfilling his deal with Andrew. The ONLY reason Kevin succeeds is by accident. I think it’s very much written on purpose that Andrew agrees to Kevin helping him find something to build his life around & does not agree for that something to be Exy & Kevin DOES NOT try to find something else. Kevin is so stubborn about Exy being correct & that he is correct (which makes sense for his characterization) that he views Andrew’s refusal to relent as ANDREW’S problem to fix instead of an indication that KEVIN needs to change direction.

This is a really good contrast to when Andrew makes his deal with Neil and he asks Neil SEVERAL TIMES a variation of: what do YOU need ME to do. Andrew offers an option: 1-year protection from whoever is after Neil. However, he is very much willing to consider what Neil wants/needs from him. The difference in thinking boils down to, “this is what I think you need of me but if I am wrong tell me and I will adapt to being what you need” (Andrew) vs “this is what I think you need and I refuse to consider any other option and eventually you will realize I know best” (Kevin).

*Also, as we know Neil is kind of the Fixer in AFTG. He fixes Andrew’s relationships: with the Upperclassmen to unite the Foxes, Andrew & Aaron, Andrew & Nicky, and also Andrew & Kevin [this is also why I don’t believe the rhetoric that ‘Kevin could have had Andrew if he asked’ Andrew would have told him no so fast. Moreover, I think it’s also telling that Nora even said in the Kevin/Andrew/Neil draft that Andrew REJECTED Kevin initially & Kevin needed Neil to smooth things over with Andrew. Nora also said they were very toxic in the draft & that’s why she ultimately removed Kevin from the romance].

Andrew plays favourites. Now, Neil was set-up as the favourite in TRK (I think the fact that despite Kevin being the one to initially make the promise of getting Andrew off his meds, the one who wanted Andrew off his meds most, he & Neil then had a FIGHT about Kevin not wanting Andrew taken off his meds during Andrew's last scene in TRK). But I think TKM is obviously when “Neil as the favourite” really shines.

Now, there are the little “cute” ways Andrew plays favourites (letting Neil sit in the front of the car even though Kevin hates sitting in the back). And then there are absolutely brutal ways Andrew plays favourites. Letting Neil slam Kevin against a door (neatly stepping out of the way even though he attacked Matt for hitting Kevin), letting Neil hit Kevin in the back of the head (and then saying “you’ll what?” when Kevin tries to threaten Neil about hitting him again), strangling Kevin when Neil goes missing, threatening Kevin with a knife when he complains about Neil’s vacation. Basically, Andrew is... not treating them equally.

That is why I was really surprised when some readers were really disgruntled with Nora’s answers about Kevin going on to live his own life in the future (not living with Andrew/Neil, occasionally visiting them, sometimes calling Andrew or texting Neil) b/c ppl thought Kevin was going to be… in their back-pockets forever. And the thing is, I think Kevin going off and being able to live independently is good character growth for Kevin considering his current dependence on needing someone else around is… from being raised in a cult. And moreover, Kevin playing second-fiddle to Neil just to be around Andrew seems terrible?? I mean, I understand, it’s Andrew Minyard, but Free Kevin.

I am running out of word space so I wasn’t really able to touch upon Andrew & deals as much as I would have liked - mainly the fact that I think the deals are meant to be narratively bad for Andrew & there is a reason Aaron & Neil both want to break their deals with Andrew - partially for Andrew’s benefit. As we can see with Aaron & Andrew being able to actually build a proper brotherly relationship AFTER their deal is over, I would also say Kevin & Andrew can only build a proper friendship AFTER their deal is also finished and that is good. This allows their friendship breathing room & to for them NOT be indebted towards one another (as my argument isn't trying to say Kevin & Andrew aren't friends but that I think their friendship definitely has a lot more conflict than fluff & their closeness can at times be exaggerated).

Now, as for Proust… I admit this is an aspect of AFTG I struggle with, as well. I don’t consider AFTG “Dead Dove do Not Eat” (or trauma porn, as you mentioned) b/c compared to other works - both OG fiction and Fanfic found on AO3 - AFTG isn’t actually all that dark tbh. Neil’s torture at Evermore fades to black relatively quickly, and even when Neil is being tortured by Nathan & Lola it’s not very explicit, and Nathan & Lola are very quickly murdered by Stuart. Drake assaulting Andrew is from a Outside POV and is mainly about the aftermath & Drake is quickly murdered by Aaron, and Proust assaulting Andrew happens off-page.

I don’t really consider Andrew or Neil’s back stories to be trauma porn either - I think I’ve mentioned before but I do admittedly get a bit irked when some readers interact with Andrew/Neil & the other Foxes as if they’re entirely unrelatable or as if ‘no one can possibly understand what these characters have gone through.’ And yes, some elements of AFTG are unrealistic, however the elements that often get critiqued… aren’t the unrealistic aspects. Andrew experiencing multiple instances of CSA DOES happen to children, especially children without adequate care/forgotten by an over-burdened system. Neil being on the run with his mother from his abusive father is a reality for MANY women in shelters with their children. Kevin being raised in an abusive cult does happen to people - perhaps more people than even some readers realize. Many of the Foxes being addicts is, in fact, a high possibility with at-risk youth. I don’t think writing about this reality counts as trauma porn especially b/c for the MOST part I do think Nora treats her characters with respect & dignity, particularly the Foxes.

I have seen the arguments that Proust not assaulting Andrew would have worked equally well for the narrative, and tbh I agree. I think Riko making the threat & Neil’s willingness to go to Evermore to defend Andrew based on that threat alone would have had the same narrative impact. While Neil going to Evermore and Andrew still getting assaulted is, perhaps, a commentary on futility & how even the intention to save Andrew is just as important even if Neil did not succeed, I admittedly don’t really think the narrative impact worked b/c it wasn’t really explored.

In fact, I think Riko NOT having the resources to follow through on the threat would have made more sense: he’s not as powerful as he’s making himself out to be. Sure, he had the resources to get Drake to assault Andrew, but Drake was already under investigation for sexually assaulting children, he had very little left to lose. Proust, however, was already a doctor working at what Betsy considered to be a decent hospital. I think having Riko make an empty threat would (a) have shown that Riko is a liar and therefore what he says is unreliable - he’s talking himself up more than what he’s actually capable of doing and (b) would have also shown that the Moriyamas are not as powerful as Kevin (someone who had been conditioned to fear them from a young age) thought them to be. And I think this would have worked well because tbh I do think the amount of power that the Moriyamas have after only being in the United States for 3 generations is a bit… unrealistic. This is an actual unrealistic aspect of AFTG.

One of my big critiques of AFTG is the fact that by making the Moriyamas the All-Powerful Villains instead of having the Wesninskis, Hatfords, Moreaus, etc., be equal in terms of just being… affiliated gangs who all run in the same criminal circles, is that the underlining message is very much that Evil Japanese People control the Western World and are Stealing Your White Children. Especially b/c none of the other characters in AFTG are Japanese. I’ve mentioned before that I DON’T think this is what Nora legitimately intended, however, this is what happens when you don’t think of race & racism when you are writing your novel. A lot of readers have defended Nora on this b/c she was trying to pay homage to her love for Japan/the fact that AFTG was originally set in Japan, but she did so by making all her Japanese characters… unrepentant villains. And I have seen the argument that this isn’t racist b/c the “Moriyamas could have been not Japanese and it wouldn’t have changed anything” and listen… your Japanese characters with generational Japanese names despite having lived in the U.S for several generations who speak Japanese & teach those around them to speak Japanese… should not be so easily divorced from “being Japanese” that readers think it would be easy to make them NOT Japanese. This isn’t the winning argument some people think it is.

Frankly, I think the Wesninskis & Moriyamas SHOULD have been criminal business associates, and Kengo & Nathan should have just been criminal friends with different criminal empires who occasionally worked together. Mary still could have run away from her abusive husband who she thought was in danger of killing her and her son & Neil still could have played Exy & even still have met Riko + Kevin as a child. Riko still would of had leverage to hold over Neil if he knew Neil was running from his criminal father - actually I think this could have been MORE interesting b/c Riko would of have some jealousy over the fact that Neil would have been in more similar standing to Ichirou than to Riko himself (although I also have complicated feelings over the whole “Main vs Side Branch” thing the Moriyama family does… like maybe if the other criminal families had similar set-ups it wouldn’t feel as, again, a weird representation of Japanese/Asian culture but more like how you see a lot of Royalty across different cultures functions).

Anyway, sorry, side track (as usual) back to Andrew & Proust: I think an argument could be made about how Andrew’s character also explores themes of medical abuse as part of the institutional abuse Andrew has experienced his entire life (in the foster care system + in juvenile detention) and Proust is part of that - Andrew goes from being forcibly medicated on medication that is BAD for Andrew (to which many people ignore), and even in the process of trying to detox from medication he never should have been placed on in the first place, Andrew is institutionalized in a “safe” place where he is once again assaulted by someone who is responsible for his care. It very much fits with the theme of his character & the message that within every “safe” system where people of authority are meant to take care of you, there is a risk of predators. It will reinforce Andrew’s world view, as well. (I suppose it was one of the earliest lines in TFC: it’s not the world that’s cruel, it’s the people in it).

I think the problem is the fact that… outside of the brief conversation Andrew & Neil have about Proust, and Andrew’s obvious desire NOT to talk about Proust, the consequences of Andrew being assaulted in Easthaven aren’t really addressed nor do they seem to impact the narrative (other than having Neil request for Proust to be investigated & killed by his Uncle Stuart). Unlike Drake assaulting Andrew, which: reveals Andrew’s back story to Neil/the reader & explains Andrew’s behaviour and mentality and the trauma that Andrew has gone through, shows how ruthless Riko (not just of orchestrating murder like with Seth but also of orchestrating rape) is & what Andrew is in danger of for trying to protect Kevin (and what Andrew risks by continuing to protect Kevin + addressing Andrew’s own lack of self-preservation) allows Andrew to be taken off his medication earlier which allows Andrew to disappear from the novel for a bit & then of course this allows Neil to go to Evermore, Proust just kind of… happens. Andrew has already experienced being sexually assaulted as an adult by Drake, which already adds to his trauma, Proust (other than perhaps adding to the institutional trauma that I mentioned above) does seem rather unnecessary.

I have mentioned before that I think after being sexually assaulted while handcuffed, the one “safe” object Andrew had been using to explore his sexuality with Roland (the handcuffs Andrew had been using on Roland) likely wouldn’t have been viable any longer, therefore Andrew probably wouldn’t have been able to continue his FWBs thing with Roland (thank GOD get that creep out of here) - but that had already come to an end, anyway, b/c Andrew’s relationship with Neil was starting up - so there wasn’t really a chance to explore how being assaulted as an adult would have impacted Andrew’s ability to continue exploring his sexuality with Roland/what kind of setbacks it would of had - we did get one comment from Nora that Andrew wouldn’t have responded well to Roland’s pity, but that’s about it (and that would have been pity about Drake, not Proust).

This also could have been an opportunity to further Andrew’s distrust of medical professionals - perhaps thrown a wrench into his dynamic with Betsy, but that also doesn’t happen. (I'd say or adds distrust to his and Abby's relationship but they were already doing pretty poorly even before Easthaven).

& obviously it doesn’t really hinder Andrew’s relationship with Neil - in fact, Andrew is able to progress in his relationship with Neil MUCH more rapidly than it seems he was able to progress with Roland. We know Andrew started hooking-up with Roland when he was 17 & the last time he hooked-up with Roland at 19 (two years later) he still cannot let Roland touch him. Obviously, that is b/c Roland… completely failed at following Andrew’s boundaries not to touch him in the first place, so it could be that b/c of that Andrew never would have been able to trust Roland to touch him (which is why it’s so interesting that until Neil, Andrew never tried to find anyone else). Perhaps, the narrative is trying to show how much Andrew DOES trust Neil/how much he wants to be with Neil that he refuses to let what happened with Drake or Proust hold him back from his relationship with Neil especially b/c Neil DOES respect Andrew’s boundaries.

Imo Andrew would have found it really difficult to recover from Neil being tortured FOR him, possibly he never could have recovered from it, at least not enough to enter into a relationship with Neil. Andrew identifies himself as the protector and at this point still has extremely low self worth outside of that self-designated role, he isn't ready yet to conceive of himself as someone worth protecting. Neil understands this and calls him out on it in the Proust-revelation scene ("You spend all this time watching our backs [...] Who's watching yours? Don't say you are, because you and I both know you take shit care of yourself."). Andrew dismisses him, because he just does not think of himself as someone worth taking care of or having his back watched.

Neil's response ("if it means losing you, then no") is so beautiful and devastating precisely because it challenges this narrative that Andrew has about himself. The assault happening anyway lets Andrew have the essential revelation that Neil would voluntarily choose to put himself in mortal danger to keep Andrew safe, but doesn't force Andrew to live with his safety being bought at the cost of Neil's safety (which he isn't ready for).

Relatedly, Andrew's promises and deals are still his main framework for self worth. The assault happening anyway means that Andrew didn't cost Neil anything, he can process Neil's time in the Nest as the result of Riko's and Neil's decisions that exist independently of what happened to Andrew. Andrew didn't fail in his promise to Neil, because Andrew suffered anyway.