close enough to touch, far enough to flee

Like... Idk I feel like I've ruined my entire life at every possible decision point and not in any bombastic ways. I just think every small decision I've made in a long time has led to me being alone and pathetic and I can't see any road forward.

It's kinda at this point too where I mention that to people and they go aw that's not true you're so great you've got so much going for you! and i just go haha yeah ok because it's really not worth talking about how I feel to anyone anyway.

IDK!!! I just... hate being alive. I hate being alone all the time. I hate being so replaceable and forgettable. I hate feeling like I am homesick at all times even in my own home. I just am so lonely and I miss a life that I could've built but didn't. Now I just feel like everything is too late. I'm too old. I'm too this or that or whatever. I don't know how to set a goal or even have any desires at this point. It's been years since I've felt like life had any meaning anyway.

Even when I try to do something fun I just kinda hit a point of "oh this actually is really meaningless anyway isn't it." I was gungho on redoing my living room and that was fun for a bit but then I was like I mean I just sit in this room by myself anyway so who cares. And I was just kinda trying to teach myself different friendship bracelet techniques this weekend and then quickly hit a point of oh this is useless too.

I just think my entire life is useless. I think I'm useless and meaningless. I think everyone eventually will leave because I am not worth staying for. I think everyone moves on from me and has a better life without me.

I've been so alone my entire life, I have no idea how not to be alone but I've also hated being alone as long as I can remember. I've hated being alive as long as I can remember. I just kinda hope I get diagnosed with something horrible and fast and terminal so I can just stop being alive sooner rather than later.