The Waynes.

damian: ...what

bruce: sorry i mean jason,wait no, dick. uhm Stephanie, i mean tim, no wait duke. alfred? no uhm barbara. wait ace.

damian:thats our dog father

bruce:alfred pennyworth the cat?

damian:

bruce: damian, i mean damian.

damian: leaves.

bonus!!:

bruce whos been awake for 56 hours: cass can you pass me the case file?

( Damian and Tim make eye-contact )

Tim: ( starts screaming )

Damian: ( starts screaming even louder to assert dominance)

Jason: not this shit again

Bruce: should we do something

Steph: no, no I want to see who wins

( Damian stops screaming and Steph slides Jason a tenner over the counter )

Jason: *whispering* Uncle Dusan looks like he's about to fall over.

Damian: *in a similar hushed tone* Can you blame him? You know how Grandfather loves to drone on during meetings. It is the one time we are forced to listen to him without interruption.

Jason: *placing a pea on a spoon, preparing to fire it*

Damian: *whispering in a hurried voice* Akhi, what are you doing with your dinner?

Jason: Saving us from another boring meeting *flicks it at Uncle Dusan who flinches and wipes his drool from his lips*

Damian: *coughing to cover his giggle* Impressive aim.

Jason: *readying his spoon again* Mara looks murderous. She hasn’t stopped glaring since this shit started.

Damian: It is not like I intended to blind her. She should have dodged it.

Jason: Uh where the fuck was I for this? I don't remember-

Ra al Ghul: *standing at the head of the table* Jason. Is there a question that you yearn to have answered? You appear to be quite distracted when you should be paying attention given your position as Head Guard.

Jason: Sure do. So when you say Head Guard, that means like total control right? How many vacation days does that allocate-

Damian: Jesus Christ.

Jason: *continuing* It’s a valid question, Dami. Corporate America has ruined the world. We gotta get better benefits. What’s our dental like because this tooth has been decaying like a wet tictac-Wait can the Pit fix my tooth?

Ra al Ghul: *twitching* How insightful. Yes…I shall inform you as soon as I confirm with my members. Anything else?

Jason: *saluting* No, my Liege. Only that these peas are divine. My compliments to your chef. Continue, you’re doing great.

Ra al Ghul: *tiredly* Of course....As I was saying....

Damian: *lowering his voice* My liege? Where did you pull that from?

Jason: My ass. Ever heard of Attack on Titan? *launching another pea at Dusan but the spoon slips from his hand and flies across the table* Oh shit.

Dusan al Ghul: * awakening and screaming, flailing his arms* Guards! We are under attack! Secure my child immediately!

Damian: *covering his face* Oh for fucks sake, Jason. Why would you-

*several guards rush in with weapons, the members at the table scatter and scream.*

Talia al Ghul: *the sound of a blade twishing* Damian? Jason? Where are you? Guards- I command you to find my sons! Protect the heirs!

*Jason and Damian hiding under the table*

Jason: Well-You can’t blame this entirely on me. Your family is known for overreacting.

Damian: *hissing* Yes, I can AND I will. I will not be punished for your stupidity. I shall knock out your tooth myself.

Jason: I’m good. Brucie paid a pretty penny to fix my teeth.

Damian: Go to hell, Jason.

*Both boys jump as Dusan hits the floor, making eye contact with them.*

————————————————————————

Ra al Ghul: Both of you are remanded to your quarters until further notice. No sneaking off to the gardens. No access to the animal sanctuary. Have you anything to say regarding your behavior, such as an apology, before you are escorted to your rooms?

Jason: *raises hand*

Ra al Ghul: Yes, Jason?

Jason: *points at Dusan al Ghul* This is his fault. He has a trauma response so severe that he’d put veterans to shame.

Damian: *giggling* He is also the one that tried tackling you, Grandfather, to ensure your safety.

Ra al Ghul: Guards. Take them to their quarters immediately. Now.

(imagine them running through the “incident” and someone coughs bullshit every time Clark speaks, Alfred is so obviously perched defensively near Bruce and furious, Red Hood somehow showed up? Dick is in full gaslight gatekeep girlboss mode even though Bruce wishes he Would Not, Damian is stuck in the elevator trying to get Batcow up to “witness this miscarriage of justice” and Cass keeps flashing increasingly concerning hand signs at Bruce up on the “stand” and every time someone mentions the complainant - Booster Gold - Tim says “who?” just loud enough for the entire room to hear)

Without people like Alfred, his obsession would’ve killed him within the first year. That’s not normal. He literally cannot stop himself from going out and fighting crime. He tried to stop being Batman before, but he always come back to it. He’s too afraid. He needs to be Batman. It’s all he thinks about.

By all means he should be dead. He’s basically insanely smart and lucky.

Thinking he’s personally responsible for the deaths in Gotham is his obsession. His compulsion is to train all the time and to go out every night to fight criminals.

“I need to be miserable and alone.”

“Using a gun makes me as bad as the serial killers”

Seeing Dick sitting in the circus alone and just deciding yep I'm taking this one

Again with Jason, sees a small child, clearly in need, suddenly Bruce NEEDS to take this kid home. Yoink.

He doesn't do it on purpose, or even notice it, just blinks and hes obtained a whole child