Lady Constellation

Hello. My name is Lady Constellation.

This is my super top secret blog to write head-cannons and scenarios that itch to be released.

My asks are open! Please feel free to send some or send me head-cannons you would like to see. I am in the realm of all things related to the batfamily but am open to discuss.

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔 About Me 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

Name: Lady Constellation

Age: ∞

Pronouns: She/her

Interests: Batfamily+ Arcane+ Young Justice.

*comm line pings*

Dick: Alrighty, Alfred is waiting for us back at the Cave. We’re still on for that sleep-

Damian: Ok but I do think that I am a much better fighter than you?

Dick: *pausing*

Dick: Lord-Why are they bickering?

Tim: Because Jason got pistol whipped by a thug and Damian nearly slipped off a rooftop so now they’re debating who’s more skilled.

Jason: Fighting has fucking nothing to do with the situation, Damian! It’s about the most experience.

Damian: *hissing* Can you not scream my secret identity? Everyone within a mile radius can hear you. You’re just mad because you were apprehended for being the criminal that you are.

Tim: Back up. When the fuck were you arrested?

Jason: *fake sniffling* It’s actually really insensitive for you *sniffle* to bring up because you know how hard my childhood was and-

Damian: When hasn't he been arrested?

Dick: You were there, Tim.

Tim: I was?

Dick: Remember when Jason and I were suppose to hangout a couple months back and he never showed? So I go to the Batcave and you’re like typing away on the BatComputer and I ask you where he’s at and you go ‘ I dunno. Busy.’ I forced you to track him down and he’s at the fucking WatchTower, all you said was ‘ He’s either at the J.L Headquarters or does that look like the moon to you?

Jason: *loud cackling* The moon!

Tim: I was sleep deprived. My bad that I didn’t have it in me to track down a grown-man.

Damian: *humming contently* Father was so angry when he learned that the Justice League arrested his son.

Tim: Why didn't you just fight back or run?

Jason: Run? From the Justice League? You're insane. I have a gun.

Dick: Your fault, by the way. Bruce wanted to take you off The Most Wanted List and you said no.

Jason: All I said was ' Crazy that I'm ranked higher on the list than the fucking Joker.' He's the one that got mad and walked away from the computer.

Tim: *cackling* Oh yeah. He *wheezes* told me about this later. You didn’t fucking call him.

Damian: I wouldn’t have either. Then again-My fighting abilities wouldn’t have allowed me to be captured like a princess.

Jason: I’ll drown you in the harbor, you fucking gremlin.

Dick: Actually-Yeah. Why didn’t you call B?

Jason: It’s a pride thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Tim: what the fuck is wrong with you.

Dick: No. He’s cooking actually.

Jason: The way I see it, I was fucked. I either called him and explained to the J.L about my daddy issues and got chewed out by Bruce. Or I let him find out by himself and I still get chewed out but HE has to be the one to explain his weird obsession with adopting kids that look the same.

Dick: *loud interrupting cackle* He does. He really fucking does.

Jason: IF ANYTHING-IF ANYTHING. I’m the victim here.

Damian: *muttering* Is what you said when the cop asked you ‘ Did the bad drug dealer touch you?’

*smack heard over the comm lines*

Damian: OWWWW.

Tim and Dick: *wheezing*

Jason: I didn’t get Mirandized or given my one free phone call. I wasn’t gonna ask for it. But it’s the thought that counts, ya know? The Justice in the Justice League is fake as fuck.

Dick: Bruce showed up to the Watchtower, all “ Why the fuck is my son is the holding cell?” And Green Arrow said “ Didn’t he chop off like 7 heads and put it in a duffel bag? You raised that?”

Jason: Shit. That was once. You make one mistake.

Tim: *wheezing* Green Arrow has a fucking point. Like B’s whole moral code is about never killing and here comes this guy on the The Most Wanted List, with a big red bat on his chest, waving a gun around. Didn’t you swear at Superman-

Damian: *snickering* Good God-What did you say?

Jason: I reminded him of my rights as an American fucking citizen! I said to give me my one free phone call or I’d spike his water with Kryptonite.

Dick and Tim: *wheezing, smacking sounds*

Jason: Anyways, B shows up and goes," You just let them arrest you." Like he's fucking astonished that I willingly went with them-

Damian: I am as well. You didn't even try to fight.

Jason: What is it with you assholes and thinking that fleeing from the Justice League is fucking easy? 99% of them are fucking superpowered and I have a gun.

Dick: *cackling* B got even more irritated that Gotham was just a convention that day for his coworkers apparently.

Tim: *thinking* That's a good point though. Why were they all in Gotham?

Jason: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. LIKE I WAS JUST DOING A SIMPLE DRUG BUST AND THEY SHOW UP LIKE," YOU'RE ON THE MOST WANTED LIST, LET ME KIDNAP YOU AND TAKE YOU TO OUR HEADQUARTERS."

Damian: So this proves my argument. I would win in a fight against you.

Jason: That's what you get out of this? Are we joking?

Damian: I wouldn't have been arrested.

Jason: Cause they wouldn't have seen your short ass.

Dick: *wheezing* Guys-Please. Let’s not argue.

Damian: I’m not having a sleepover with him *boots crunching, slipping noise, and a yelp can be heard*

Jason: *howling with laughter* I TOLD YOU. HE JUST FUCKING TWISTED HIS ANKLE.

*comm line pings*

Dick: Hey, Timbo. How’s Paris?

Tim: Boring. Just a bunch of W.E meetings that B wanted me to attend like he couldn’t do it himself. He’s downstairs with Lucius. What’s going on?

Dick: Jay and Damian are overseeing Gotham and I’m in Blüd.

Tim: Who had the bright idea to let those two idiots go by themselves?

Dick: *snorting* We’re stretched thin.

Tim: So? We’ve been short-staffed and managed.

Dick: *grinning audibly* Ok ok, I thought it’d be funny. Let me add them.

*comm line pings*

Damian: *grunting* Catch, Hood.

Jason: *humming* Interesting. Very interesting. Looks like they have a couple big dogs on their roster *punching sound can be heard* Stay the fuck down, don’t get up. Tell B that I’ll look into it.

Tim: Seems like a pretty busy night in Gotham.

Damian: Drake, how is your business trip? I trust that you are learning much from Father.

Dick: Think again. I know for a fact that he's bored out of his mind and rather be back with us.

Jason: What's not to like about Paris? Baguettes. French women. Cigarettes.

Tim: It's a bunch of suits talking business and me agreeing with them even though I think they're a bunch of idiots. What's going on? Any new cases?

Damian: Just the typical petty crimes, stop looking at me like that, Hood. I am not entertaining that debate, we have to finish the cases Father left for us before he returns.

Dick: *cackling* Please involve us. I WANT TO KNOW THIS DEBATE.

Tim: *pleading* Please. Please. I will bring you back fucking souvenirs. Whatever you want. Please-I am fucking losing my mind here.

Jason: You can fly but you’re very slow OR you’re invisible but you smell to high hell. The closer people get to you, the stronger the smell is.

Damian: *disgusted* Good God. That is atrocious.

Tim: How slow? What’s the mileage I’m getting here?

Jason: 15. Actually-School zone speed limit.

Damian: *pondering* It would be the environmentally conscious decision.

Tim: Who cares about the environment? Have you seen gas prices? I’m trying to be conscious about my wallet.

Dick: *interrupting* And no perfume or cologne can change this?

Jason: Nope. None at all. Wear your stench with pride.

Damian: Are we just smelly when we are invisible? Or is this some chronic condition that follows us around regardless?

Tim: Does it matter? Someone with a good nose is going to find you.

Jason: The smell of doom and despair only applies when you’re invisible.

Damian: I am taking flight.

Dick: But you’re moving at the speed of a broken down Honda Civic!

Damian: *mortified* In comparison to emitting a stench so foul that people can acknowledge your presence despite having invisibility?

Tim: Flight. Hands down.

Jason: Basically you’re either Martian Manhunter or Wonderwoman.

Dick: Why would you pick him as a prime example? Cause he’s not from here? That’s so fucking racist.

Tim: *cackles*

Jason: What? No, dickhead. HE WAS THE FIRST ONE THAT I THOUGHT OF WHEN IT CAME TO INVISIBILITY.

Damian: It is okay, Hood. We all have biases. You may admit it, you are amongst family.

Jason: Shut up. If anyone has any biases, it’s Bruce. He’s fucking prejudice.

Tim: Against who? It sounds like you’re projecting.

Jason: I’m gonna project a bullet in you. He’s metaphobic. I’m telling you.

Dick: *laughing* HE’S WHAT? That’s not an actual term.

Jason: It should be. He constantly says all the time *lowers voice* “ No metas in Gotham!” That’s him being prejudicial against a whole protected class.

Damian: That’s not- *pondering* Wait-Why does Father not allow metahumans in Gotham? He works very closely with them on the Justice League.

Tim: I dunno. He’s just territorial.

Jason: Like some weird dom. In love with the infrastructure of this city.

Tim: *giggling* A DOM?

Dick: *sultry voice* Who does this city belong to?

Damian: Grayson-Let me patrol with you. I don’t like the energy Akhi is displaying right now.

Jason: *cackling* Come here, Damian. Let's gyrate on this rooftop together. *wheezing* He has that fucking lone wolf persona going on.

Damian: *agreeing* His fursona.

Tim: *muffling comm* No. I'm not speaking to anyone. I think you're hearing things. Alfred should check on you when we get back home.

Bruce: *in the background* I distinctively heard you say Dick's name. Make sure to tell him to properly update the patrol logs, he didn't do so last time and it is important to keep track of our every move-

Tim: Yeah-Yeah, I will-

Jason: YO-Tell B to bring me a souvenir. I love Paris.

Bruce: *in the background* You are speaking to them. It is quite sweet, I love that you are all getting along nicely.

Dick: Shut it, old man. You're in the middle of our debate.

Damian: No. That debate is finished, you were just talking about how Father is prejudice.

Bruce: *flustered* I-? What? I am not prejudice. Where is this coming from?

Tim: *cackling in the back* Stop, this is so mean. You're gonna confuse him.

Jason: You regularly tell people to get out of your city all the time. What's next, huh? THEY SHOULD GO BACK TO THEIR COUNTRIES? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY NEXT?

Damian: *wheezing wetly* Go back to their countries, please. I am going to pee.

Dick: This is the example you're setting for Damian?

Bruce: I would never tell anyone anything remotely close to what you're claiming!

Tim: You tell the supers to leave your city all the time.

Bruce: *stuttering* Because-I-We each have our territory! It isn't because of who they-

Jason: He's colonizing Gotham *giddy noises* Taking over the land.

Bruce: *pleading desperately* No- It's just a poor choice of words. I didn't mean it-

Damian: *serious* The colonizers never think of their consequences, just on their own selfish needs.

Tim: *slapping palms on table, laughing* FUCKING HELL. YOU GUYS SHOULD SEE HIS EXPRESSION.

Dick: Ashamed. You should be ashamed. It's okay, baby boy. Damian, I'll save you.

Damian: Do not touch me, Grayson.

Tim: Bruce is staring out the patio like he's going to jump.

Jason: It's the guilt eating him alive. The colonizer guilt.

Damian: *high pitched voice* My God. MY GOD WHAT IS THAT. PLEASE JASON. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.

*Jason humming, plastering photographs of Ra al Ghul and Batman on a bedroom wall.

Damian: Why are you putting photographs of my biological Father on my Grandfather’s walls?!

Jason: *nonchalantly* Love’s a very natural thing, Dami. You’ll understand when you’re older. Nothing wrong with homosexuality, it’s 20-

Damian: You vacuous wimp. I am not homophobic-

Jason: *grinning* Then why are you throwing a tantrum?

Damian: * reading one of the papers* Hidden Secrets: The Bat’s Head. My God-This is terrible.

Jason: You’d be surprised. I think Wattpad gave out a Watty for that fic.

Damian: People-*pausing* People subscribe to this? Do they think that my biological father and grandfather are lovers?

Jason: Don’t ya think they have a lot of chemistry together? Can’t you feel their love exploding?

Damian: Did you feel your body exploding in that warehouse in Ethiopia?

Jason: *ignoring him* My work here is done. I think Ra’ will deeply appreciate it.

*Both boys on a rooftop, overlooking the compound*

Jason: *chuckling slightly* People are fanatical over our family. I think it's part of that mysterious charm Batman oozes.

Damian:*gagging* My poor minor ears. You are truly not embarrassed by anything.

Jason: *shrugging, peering through the binoculars* I’m surprised you let me go through with this.

Damian: Grandfather promised me a new shipment of exotic animals. He failed to deliver.

Jason: Told you he has Alzheimer’s.

Damian: *sighing* Yes. It is concerning actually. How long did it take you to print out all those papers?

Jason: *snickering* You don’t wanna know. He should be fucking grateful. Do you know how expensive ink is?

Damian: No, I don't. Believe it or not-I don't contribute to the bills in my household.

Jason: My bad, prince. Not all of us were born into royalty. *grumbling* Can't believe Ra al Ghul doesn't even pay me. I'm doing this shit for free.

Damian: You're stealing from people to antagonize an elderly man. None of what you stated remotely makes sense.

Jason: Excuse me- I'm stealing from the rich to give to the poor aka me. I can sleep fine knowing that.

Damian: What did Grandfather do to upset you?

Jason: I just wanted to fuck with the old man. *cackles* I actually-We've been good recently. I felt a little bad doing this but I redownloaded Wattpad last night when I was on that stake-out-

Damian: The assassination Grandfather sent you on? You had time?

Jason: Yeah. He was feeding his cats and I’d feel like a shitty person if I did it in front of them, you know? Like the look of their eyes would haunt me.

Damian: *laughing* They’d have trauma after.

Jason: -Found my bookshelf of random fanfics I saved and remembered that people ship Ra' and Batman together. I use to read them out-loud while we were patrolling to piss him off sometimes. Like he'd be all *deepens voice* ' I am vengeance.' and I'd be around the corner,' He beckoned me to his quarters-'

Damian: *cackling* I cannot believe that Father still allowed you to patrol with him despite you being a little shit.

Jason: What was he gonna do? Call Dick? They weren’t speaking to one another and everyone fucking hates Batman in Blüd.

Damian: *humming* Any words of wisdom before you drop me off with my biological Father?

Jason: *audibly grinning * Yeah-Set up your Wattpad account now.

*cussing and screaming can be heard down below*

Damian: I am guessing he has found your Extreme Makeover.

Jason: *wheezing, slapping the rooftop*

Ra al Ghul, in the distance: Find him now! Kill him for all I care!

Damian: *giggling* This is the maddest I have seen him yet.

Random Guard: Do you wish to keep these, my Lord? They appear very sentiment to the boy.

Ra al Ghul: I shall have your tongue for such blasphemies!

Jason: *howling with laughter* I can’t-I fucking love Efran, he’s *wheezing-* my favorite guard-OH SHIT.

*Jason rolls off the rooftop, landing on his back in the courtyard*

Damian: *cackling, standing at the edge of the roof* FUCKING DUMBASS. GET UP.

Ra al Ghul: THERE! HE IS THERE! BRING HIM TO ME!

Jason, lying on his back and groaning: Give me a second, old man. I think I need another Pit Dip. Damian-I think I broke something. Stop laughing and fucking help me, bitch.

Tim: Uncalled for-I was doing him a favor. A favor. I didn’t have to organize the Batcomputer for him-

Dick: *clearly not listening* Mhm. Yeah. ‘ts fucked up.

Tim: *fuming* Doesn’t matter-I’ll show him.

Dick: Wait-*pauses* What are you talking about?

Tim: The contingency plan Batman has for me! You haven’t been listening.

Dick: *defensive* Hey! I’ve been trailing the corrupt police officer. Something that you’re suppose to be helping me with.

Tim: *whining* But he hurt my feelings.

*comm line pings*

Jason: What’s up? The kid and I are getting tacos. Who’s down?

Dick: Uh-Give us like 20? We’re on that corrupt cop case B wanted us to handle. He’s current-oh. He’s fucking terrible. I just watched him not tip that waitress.

Damian: Prior to this exchange, he was still terrible, Grayson. The morgue filled with missing appendages is evidence enough.

Dick: Yeah but it’s common fucking sense to tip waitresses. They go through enough-

Tim: *groaning and smacking his head on the rooftop railing*

Jason: Tim-The fuck’s up with you?

Dick: Ignore him. He’s just upset that he discovered B’s contingency plan for him.

Tim: He called me the least skillful fighter. Like- LIKE it's my fault that I had the most stable childhood out of all his kids.

Damian: *snickering* You did begin your training rather late in life.

Tim: I WAS 13, DIPSHIT.

Jason: *laughing* B got one thing right. Thank Fuck. Sometimes I love that old geezer.

Tim: *irritated* You’re agreeing? The one time you finally agree with him and it’s this shit!

Jason: Damian beat the shit outta you when he first came from the desert and he was like 10. I tracked your ass to the Titan Tower and when I caught you, you were so thrown off that you said-mid beating by the way- ' wait wait a second, hold on!'

Dick: *holding back a giggle* Not helping, Hood. Come on-B wrote down many of your wonderful qualities. *irritated* He called me emotional in mine.

Damian: *mumbling* Two points goes to Father.

Jason: My God-Why don't you just ask Bruce to change it or what he fucking means by it? I want tacos already.

Tim: I- *pauses*

Damian: You didn't think to do so, did you?

Tim: *defensive* I was busy-

Jason: *interrupting* Busy moping. You just wanted to complain and gatekeep food from us. I'll fucking shoot you.

Dick: *laughing* It's okay, Timmy. I'll get you some tacos, that'll cheer you up. *swatting noises* Look look-He's exchanging something with that creepy man dressed in black.

Jason: *wheezing* THE PASTOR? THAT’S A FUCKING PASTOR-

Dick: No! It’s- *wheezing* I can’t see for shit, I’m going to Hell.

Tim: For fuck’s sake. Whenever these two hop on the comm lines, they’re always giggling. They can’t ever be serious.

Damian: Out of sheer curiosity rather than desperation like Drake over there-

Tim: *sarcastically* Thank you.

Damian: Don't mention it. I have no interest in reading my contingency plan; however, if Father needed to incapacitate us, how do you think he would do so?

Tim: He wouldn’t be able to. We’re all very different from him with a wide range of abilities and thinking patterns. Even though we trained under him, I don’t think he can force us down.

*silence*

Damian: Well…I was going to say Drake’s immunocompromised; therefore, Father could simply surround him with petri dishes of Influenza B and the common cold.

Dick and Jason: *cackling*

Tim: You’re an asshole. Genuinely. I give you the nicest compliment and your takeaway is ‘ Tim’s disabled, let the man sneeze on him.’

Jason: I know you have this weird idolized idea of our family like we’re invincible but you realize that even with all my trainings, I lost to a man with a crow bar, right? Like-Like that was actually kinda fucking embarrassing.

Damian: *cackling* Back in the League, Akhi would lovingly tell me the events of his demise like a bedtime story. He would become frustrated and storm out.

Dick:*concerned* So we’re too good for Goodnight Moon all of a sudden?

Tim: I think Dick would have a good fighting chance. He’s the eldest, he has rapport with B and knows him like the back of his hand.

Dick: Oh hell no. I’m human. Shoot me with a fucking gun. I didn’t think I’d have to spell that out for you.

Tim: *desperate* Damian?

Dick: I see it. I think Damian could take down Bruce. But not physically. I just think in like an emotional breakdown type of way. Psychological warfare.

Jason: Did I-*wheezing* Damian stole the ashes of Bruce’s parents last week.

Dick: *crying weeping*

Jason: You know-Genograms? *wheezing* He had to make one for school and the teacher was like ‘ Yeah you guys can bring in photos and shit of your grandparents, little knick knacks.”

Tim: *horrified but laughing* No. Don’t tell me. Why?!

Damian: *grinning audibly* There were no specific instructions.

Jason: Bruce called me after Damian was sent home cause he brought in dead people and was like ‘ Jason, what the fuck did they teach this kid in the League?’

Dick: *laughing* Does that give you an answer, Tim?

Talia al Ghul: Find your brother, I wish to speak to the both of you before your departure to Gotham tomorrow.

Damian: Yes, Mother. I will be back in a moment.

*He hurries down the corridor, reaching Jason’s quarters. Damian pauses, peeking behind the door, staring at his older brother*

Jason: *facing his mirror* Yeah-You’re a badass. A fucking badass. You’re gonna walk in and just start demanding what you want. My way or no way.

Damian: *eyebrows furrowed, whispering* what the actual fuck.

Jason: *scratches his head* No. I’m gonna walk up to Bruce and I’mma look him in the eye. *points at the mirror* And-AND I’mma say ‘ Look bitch-I’m doing what you won’t do. I’m taking them out.’

Damian: ???

Jason: *pulling out a pistol, cocking it and raising it to his reflection* Damn-I look good. Can’t believe B had me stuffed in textured fabric for this long. Repressing me. *he turns to the side* I got an ASS. Dick’s gonna lose his shit.

Damian: *attempting to hold back his laughter*

Jason: *holsters his weapon, running his hands through his hair* You got this. No need to be nervous. Crime Alley is yours. Just gotta drop off the kid, kill a bunch of people, and fuck with B a bit.

Jason: * finally notices Damian in the mirror* Hey-HEY. YOU DAMN NEMATODE. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO STOP SPYING ON PEOPLE? IT’S FUCKING RUDE.

Damian: *grinning* But I would have missed your inspiring pep-talk.

Jason: *whirls around, shooting at his brother* I’LL FUCKING END YOU-

Damian: *running away* MOTHER. MOTHER, JASON IS TRYING TO MURDER ME. GUARDS-PROTECT THE HEIR.

Jason: *chasing after him* COME ‘ERE, GREMLIN. I’LL FUCKING DROP KICK YOU IN GOTHAM HARBOR.

Ra al Ghul: *standing tiredly in the corridor* Remind me-When do my grandchildren depart?

One of his Guards: In approximately 11 hours, my Lord.

*sounds of screaming and glass breaking echo*

Talia al Ghul: *in the distance* UNHAND YOUR BROTHER, JASON. THIS IS UNBECOMING BEHAVIOR OF AN HEIR. DO NOT BITE. DO NOT JUST STAND THERE-HELP ME.

Second: Monstrous Sea Profile reference?? Yes??!? :3

Thank you. I love LOVE the batfamily. I have loved them since my brother threw a batman figurine at my head when I was 5 and I picked it up and was like who the fuck is this dude? I am in the process of creating a master-post so it is easier for new-comers and followers to access it. Keep an eye out for it. Hopefully, I’ll have it posted by Monday. I currently have several chat line posts in draft so expect new posts soon.

Yes! I absolutely love Eliza and her Monsters! It’s a book I discovered several years ago in my school’s library and fell in love with it. I can’t believe you got that reference <3! Not a lot of people know it; you have taste.

Damian: Is that Drake over there?

Jason: Yep. Barbs, can you link us to his comm line, please?

Oracle: *low chucking* Have funnn.

*typing noises, comm line pings*

Jason: Replacement, what's up? Thought it was your night off.

Tim: *grumbling* Suppose to be but Dick’s been kidnapped and B's at some W.E function.

Jason: *chuckling* You'd think Dick's asking for this shit to happen at this point.

Tim: Right?! He's been snatched up more than all of us combined.

Damian: Is this a common occurrence or…?

Jason: All of us have been kidnapped at some point. Never longer than a day though.

Damian: *sarcastically* Oh that is just-How comforting.

Tim: *humming* He still has his comms so he’s been contacting me.

Jason: *snorting* No shot. Those dumbasses didn’t frisk him?

Damian: We fought an adult who uses condiments as his main form of weapons last week but two random men not frisking Grayson is unbelievable?

Tim: Shut up. I'll link you two to the comm line.

*comm line pings*

Dick: How much are you asking for? Oh. No. Nothing-Just. He’s a billionaire, ya know? You could ask for more.

Damian: *disbelief* Mother sent me to Gotham to widen my horizons and my eldest brother is giving his kidnappers ransom advice.

Jason: *laughing* It's kinda insulting when they try to lowball your abduction, you know?

Damian: *deadpanned* Fortunately, Father has several sons remaining should they kill Grayson.

Tim: *snickering*

*the sound of a door closing can be heard*

Dick: Alrighty. They left.

Tim: Where'd they go?

Dick: What makes you think that my kidnappers told me where they were going?

Damian: I do not understand why you don’t simply break out from your bonds and escape. You are a trained vigilante.

Dick: That’s Nightwing. I’m a citizen right now. I can't just cartwheel my way out and knock 'em out.

Jason: Bruce said to always wait for someone to show up, can't risk our cover being blown.

Damian: So I am just meant to allow myself to be taken? The contingency plan is to remain a damsel in distress?

Tim: *snickering* I think you'd piss them off so quick that they'd return your ass.

Jason: *clapping noises* Do you remember when I got kidnapped the first time and I was like *wheezes* so over the bullshit that I annoyed them and they broke my nose-

Damian: Do you remember when you annoyed the monks Grandfather had invited? One of them broke his monastic silence to scold you.

Dick: *cackling* YOU FUCKING JACKASS.

Jason: *giggling* Hey- Hey, I was asking if they could teach me those techniques that B knows. Those Tibetan Monks taught him fucking everything. Anyways-Obviously after, the police had to document it for evidence and Dick was like ' What adult hasn't hit you?'

Tim: And people still think Dick is a little fucking goody-two shoes. Dick needed to medicated.

Dick: *grunting slightly* He switched my lactose-free milk to regular, I was blowin' up the toilet all night *wheezes* Alright, the ropes off, come in and save me, cupcake. I can hear them coming up the stairs.

Damian: *disgusted* Were you drugged? I say we let them keep him.

Dick: Thanks for the concern of my well-being, Dami.

Damian: This is not the first or last time you will be abducted. I’m saving my concern for something more imminent.

Tim: Gotta do everything myself. I'll be right there *grappling hook noise*

*Tim grunting as he opens the window, slipping in. Door opening can be heard*

Unidentified male voice in the background: Oh shit.

Dick: Oh my-It's Red Robin. *swooning voice* He's come to rescue me from you naughty boys. Help me, Red Robin!

Tim: I know this is a hostage negotiation thing ya got going but if you wanna shoot him, I'll look the other way.

Dick: What the fuck. You're suppose to be my hero!

Unidentified male voice in the background: I was just trying to get money for the boy but-I guess we can hold Robin hostage too..

Tim: *irritated* Red Robin. It's Red Robin. Not Robin. I’m not a twelve year old boy.

Unidentified second male voice: Well to be fair, you guys all look the fucking same after a while. How’s someone suppose to know?

Dick: *wheezing* He is so right. You two look exactly alike. Got that same build.

Damian: *hissing into the comm* Drake has that malnutrition build that people form when they lose a spleen. My body is a temple.

Tim: Shoot him. JUST SHOOT HIM. FORGET THE MONEY. I HEARD BRUCE WAYNE HAS LOTS OF KIDS. HE CAN BURY THIS ONE NEXT TO JASON TODD.

Jason: What the fuck did I do!

*gunshot ringing out*

Tim:-JOKING. I WAS JOKING. *punching noises can be heard*

Dick: Oh no! The violence! My poor eyes. Where is Bruce? I want my dad!

Jason: Babs, next time don't link us to Tim's line.

Oracle: I told you to have fun *snickering*

Damian: Should I ever get kidnapped, are you going to behave this way?

Jason: Who says I'm answering your call?

Jason who gets resurrected in the Lazarus Pit and suffers from selective mutism because who wouldn't after being blown up in abandoned warehouse in Ethiopia by a clown and then resurrected in essentially Green Goop Bug Juice. Damian, who doesn't know the term selective mutism, and believes he is incapable of speaking. He just sees this mammoth of a man stumble nakedly out the Pit and he asks Mother if he can keep him and she's like ok whatever I don't care, just feed him. Damian's thinking sweet I'm not an only child anymore, I can get up to more shit and Jason is forced to communicate through grunting/mumbling/sighing because he's still mentally processing the trauma from dying and being brought back to life.

It gets to the point where Damian can comprehend what Jason is saying by the way he grunts. Like one grunt is yes, two grunts is no. Eventually, it becomes more elaborate like *grunts* yes, I know that we were suppose to kill the man that betrayed Ra Al Ghul but he had American candy in his bag so maybe we can chalk this up to a misunderstanding.

Damian: Pass me the salt, Akhi.

Jason: *grunts*

Damian: I am aware that this meal is seasoned perfectly but too much salt never killed anyone.

Jason: *grunts pointedly*

Damian: It is not my fault that your aunt passed away from excessive sodium intake. She should have known better.

Ra al Ghul: * staring ahead, eyes wide*

Jason: *grunts*

Damian: *slamming the salt shaker down* Fine-Have it your way. I will simply suffer in silence as you do.

Ra al Ghul: What the fuck.

Talia al Ghul met Jason when he was Robin and is aware that he is completely able to speak but like her Father, it slipped her mind to tell her son that Jason isn’t mute, he’s just coping. Matter-of-fact, she is so use to the fuckery that happens in the League that she doesn’t pay attention to how her sons communicate until one day in training. It doesn’t help that Damian misses the point nearly every time because he’s mainly relieved he has an older brother.

Damian: *swishing his katana* Did the first Robin even wield a sword? Think how amazed the people of Gotham will be once I arrive and bring diversity.

Jason: *mumbling*

Damian: I know that I will be wearing a mask. Do you think my sword wears one as well?

Jason: *sighs and looks away*

Damian: What do you mean by swords are ‘ so last year’?

Jason: *shrugging*

Talia al Ghul: *look of confusion on her face*

Damian: How many sword-wielding individuals plague Father’s city?

Talia al Ghul: Damian…Why do you not simply ask him to speak? Or ask him to attempt?

Jason: *snorting*

Damian: Mother, it is very insensitive for you to question Akhi’s disability. He cannot help how he is.

Talia al Ghul: He can speak. I have heard him speak. He is capable of it. Your Father said that he was on the debate team in school. I knew Jason when he was under his tutelage.

Jason: *grunts*

Damian: Yes, Akhi. How very nice of American schools to include students from all backgrounds. I am glad they are more accepting than Mother.

Talia al Ghul: ????

Jason, through several months of engaging with the Al Ghuls and processing trauma, begins to speak randomly as he has grown comfortable especially his little brother.

Damian: *grimacing* He stabbed me. It should only take a few stitches. Are you injured, Akhi?

Jason: No. They didn’t get close enough. Hand me the suture scissors, lemme help.

Damian: *passing them to Jason* Here you-

*Both boys stare at each other*

Damian: *flabbergasted* You can speak? Since when?

Jason: Since I was fucking 2?

Damian: Why did you not say? We have spent months communicating through *gestures wildly* I don’t know! Grunting and groaning!

Jason: Are you fucking kidding me-What did you think selective mutism was?

Damian: Why did you not write it down! You can write, surely?

Jason: Oh my God-Talia, do you hear this? What'd you think was wrong with me?

Talia al Ghul: Please do not involve me. I attempted to tell your brother. On several occasions.

Damian: I assumed you were special needs. It was not until Mother told me that just because you were traumatized, it did not mean that I had to treat you like you were mentally incapacitated.

Jason: *cackling so hard that he drops his katana on his foot, piercing clean through his boot*

Jason: Ah-Shit.

Damian: *snickering*

Damian: You cannot make me. I will quit-I promise you that I will quit, Father.

Bruce: *tiredly* We do not have an option, Robin. The Commissioner is stretched thin and has requested our help. This is the last thing that I wish to do but it is our duty to help.

Damian: I am a child. I was coerced into this lifestyle. Does my victimhood mean anything to you?

*comm line pings*

Tim: *irritated* I’m getting reports of a ketchup flood in the downtown area. Which is-by the way-outside my territory.

Dick: *confused* Ketchup? Who the-Oh for fucks sake. Condiment King? Pass, I moved to Blüd for a reason.

Bruce: We do not abandon a mission simply because-

Tim: This isn’t a mission. This is a wanna-be hot dog vendor with a vendetta that needs to be studied.

Damian: *agreeing* It is humiliating. It took Alfred three washes to get the smell of sauces out of my suit.

Dick: Fighting him was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. Remember the relish phase?

Damian: That’s one of the most painful experiences you have ever endured? *snickering* Your parents died in front of you.

Bruce: Robin!-

Dick: No-No. I stand by that, the fucking relish was worse.

*comm line pings*

Jason: *voice slightly muffled* Fucking hell-Then tell them to evacuate and head to the rooftops! Yo-the fuck is going on, Bruce? My guys just told me that Condom Man is destroying downtown.

Tim: *laughing* Condom Man.

Dick: Shush!-We have little ears listening.

Damian: I fucking know what a condom is, Grayson.

Bruce: *sighing* Condiment King escaped Arkham approximately one hour ago and is wreaking havoc on Gotham. I was just filling your brothers in on our plan.

Tim: I’m not Robin anymore. Use your sidekick for this. I’ll observe.

Damian: I'm sorry, does Robin the Third have something to say?

Bruce: We have to-

Dick: There you go again with this "we" business.

Jason: Preach. We're individuals. *voice muffles slightly* Yeah, no. It's fine. Just like- tell Felix to forget the drop today, streets are fucked. *voice unmuffles* We're unique.

Bruce: This is important. There is no arguing. He escaped Arkham and we do not know his true intentions. Robin and I will be heading downtown and I expect at least one of you to follow suit.

Jason: Arkham is a 30 minute fucking time-out. Any lunatic can waltz out of there, your Durex isn’t special.

Bruce: He is murdering citizens of Gotham. Condiment King is causing anaphylactic shock-

Jason: Natural selection. Darwin’s been fucking slacking. They’ll be missed. It’s okay, we’ll build them a memorial.

Tim and Dick: *laughing*

Damian: Is there anything to truly worry about? He is not a danger, more of inconvenience.

Dick: Yeah, B. Just run along. We'll send one of us right behind you.

Bruce: Oracle-Tell the Commissioner that I am responding to the distress signal alone. Ensure that I have back-up within five minutes.

*Bruce disconnects from main comm line*

Damian: *exasperated* I do not understand why you do not just kill him, Akhi.

Dick: Damian! *small laugh* Don’t say that!

Jason: You came to my fucking apartment when Bruce and I weren’t speaking and practically begged me to limit my killings to make him ‘comfortable’

Damian: Now is when you decide to truly listen?

Jason: *mocking tone* Now is when you decide to be hypocritical?

Tim: Listen- We won’t say anything. I’ll look away. Where’d Condiment King go? Poor fellow-He seemed awful depressed after we botched his plans.

Dick: *snorting* The noose magically tied itself.

Jason: *wheezing.* I can’t believe Bruce thinks I’m the homicidal one in this family when all three of you are casually fine with murder.

Damian: I was raised as a child assassin until I was 10 years old. I think that alone demonstrates where I lie with the casual murder.

*comm line pings*

Oracle: Hate to break this up but Batman is desperately requesting backup and for someone to swing by with a new suit.

Dick: *laughing* Lemme guess-Condiment King blasted him?

Oracle: Oh absolutely *cackling*

Tim: *mystified*He was there for like two minutes, what the hell.

Damian: I still am not helping Father.

Jason: Come on, Dames. We can pick out one of his embarrassing suits.

Damian: *silent* Very well.

Jason: *whispering* Uncle Dusan looks like he's about to fall over.

Damian: *in a similar hushed tone* Can you blame him? You know how Grandfather loves to drone on during meetings. It is the one time we are forced to listen to him without interruption.

Jason: *placing a pea on a spoon, preparing to fire it*

Damian: *whispering in a hurried voice* Akhi, what are you doing with your dinner?

Jason: Saving us from another boring meeting *flicks it at Uncle Dusan who flinches and wipes his drool from his lips*

Damian: *coughing to cover his giggle* Impressive aim.

Jason: *readying his spoon again* Mara looks murderous. She hasn’t stopped glaring since this shit started.

Damian: It is not like I intended to blind her. She should have dodged it.

Jason: Uh where the fuck was I for this? I don't remember-

Ra al Ghul: *standing at the head of the table* Jason. Is there a question that you yearn to have answered? You appear to be quite distracted when you should be paying attention given your position as Head Guard.

Jason: Sure do. So when you say Head Guard, that means like total control right? How many vacation days does that allocate-

Damian: Jesus Christ.

Jason: *continuing* It’s a valid question, Dami. Corporate America has ruined the world. We gotta get better benefits. What’s our dental like because this tooth has been decaying like a wet tictac-Wait can the Pit fix my tooth?

Ra al Ghul: *twitching* How insightful. Yes…I shall inform you as soon as I confirm with my members. Anything else?

Jason: *saluting* No, my Liege. Only that these peas are divine. My compliments to your chef. Continue, you’re doing great.

Ra al Ghul: *tiredly* Of course....As I was saying....

Damian: *lowering his voice* My liege? Where did you pull that from?

Jason: My ass. Ever heard of Attack on Titan? *launching another pea at Dusan but the spoon slips from his hand and flies across the table* Oh shit.

Dusan al Ghul: * awakening and screaming, flailing his arms* Guards! We are under attack! Secure my child immediately!

Damian: *covering his face* Oh for fucks sake, Jason. Why would you-

*several guards rush in with weapons, the members at the table scatter and scream.*

Talia al Ghul: *the sound of a blade twishing* Damian? Jason? Where are you? Guards- I command you to find my sons! Protect the heirs!

*Jason and Damian hiding under the table*

Jason: Well-You can’t blame this entirely on me. Your family is known for overreacting.

Damian: *hissing* Yes, I can AND I will. I will not be punished for your stupidity. I shall knock out your tooth myself.

Jason: I’m good. Brucie paid a pretty penny to fix my teeth.

Damian: Go to hell, Jason.

*Both boys jump as Dusan hits the floor, making eye contact with them.*

————————————————————————

Ra al Ghul: Both of you are remanded to your quarters until further notice. No sneaking off to the gardens. No access to the animal sanctuary. Have you anything to say regarding your behavior, such as an apology, before you are escorted to your rooms?

Jason: *raises hand*

Ra al Ghul: Yes, Jason?

Jason: *points at Dusan al Ghul* This is his fault. He has a trauma response so severe that he’d put veterans to shame.

Damian: *giggling* He is also the one that tried tackling you, Grandfather, to ensure your safety.

Ra al Ghul: Guards. Take them to their quarters immediately. Now.

Jason:- Don’t remember much. Just standing naked in front of like 10 league members plus Talia and Ra’ *laughs, slurping noise can be heard* I look down-

Dick: *giggling, smacking noise*

Jason: And I’m like *mystified* shit I’m a God. Feast your eyes on this bad boy.

Dick:*cackling* That was your first reaction? To check yourself out?

Jason: *clearly tipsy* Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to make sure everything *wheeze* was intact and working.

Dick: And? *choking out a laugh, high-pitched voice* Did it?

Jason: Ooooh boy-It sure did work *voice trembling* Believe me.

Dick: Wait- Did I ever tell you *laughing* about my reaction to your death? Like in detail?

Jason: Nuh uh *slurping* I don’t think I asked or you know-cared *cackling*.

Dick: I was in Tamaran. Bruce didn’t tell me shit. I was under the assumption that you were just being an asshole per usual and ignoring my messages because you didn’t like me-

Jason: *tipsy giggling* I think the last thing you said before you left was ‘we should have left you in the dumpster you were born in’ because I tripped you when you were going up the podium to speak at that gala.

Dick: Right?! Bruce swore that we had a brotherly relationship. Anyways-I come back home after Kori and I break up. I’m heartbroken, thinking that you’re ignoring me but ‘ fuck it-I’mma take this little dipshit to the arcade and blow off school for the day.’ I get to the Manor and Bruce is there all fucking catatonic- like.

Jason: *wheezing* Like that one time the reporter asked him if he and Batman were secret lovers and they showed him a very poorly edited photo of them kissing.*smacking noises*

Dick: The BatWayne affair *crying with laughter* I ask ‘ Damn who died?’ And he turns-JASON I SWEAR- he turns all stiff like a lego and says ‘ your brother.’ *giggling* And I go, because I’m processing this after not being on the planet for weeks, ‘ Oh. Shit. Really?’

Jason and Dick: *smacking each other and laughing*

Jason: YOUR HEART-FELT REACTION TO YOUR BABY BROTHER DYING WAS *wheezing* NO NO THERE’S NO EXCUSE-

Dick: *giggling* I was in disbelief. Denial. GRIEF HAS MANY DIFFERENT SHAPES.

*crashing can be heard.*

Jason: MY CHAIR *wheezing*

Dick: I-Stop. I’m going to pee *wheezing* PLEASE.

*comm line pings*

Damian: OH MY GOD PLEASE STOP. Need I remind you two drunken idiots that Drake and I are both on this line and have heard every word that you have exchanged?

Jason and Dick: *bursts out laughing*

Tim: I tried leaping from the rooftop as soon as Jason started mentioning genitalia.

Dick: *slightly slurring* My bad. We must have forgotten. The oldest Wayne boys are just having some bonding time.

Damian: Good God. How much have you had to drink?

Jason: It's our night off, Dami. Time to let loose. Let our hair downnn *Sipping noises* We fight, you hate it. We bond, you hate it. So damn fucking picky.

Tim: Why are you two on the comm lines if you're inebriated?

Jason: Cause-Actually, Dick...Why are we?

Dick: Force of habit after years of servitude *snorting* Also wanted to make sure my baby brothers were okay on patrol. We *bottle clinking* are here for you.

Damian: Pass. We are fine.

Tim: *whining* Why am I never allowed to drink with you two?

Jason: You're a minor, dumbass. My whole gimmick as the Hood is to not let children get involved in illegal shit.

Tim: You literally admitted to smoking weed before patrolling as Robin. Wouldn't you rather I drink in the presence of my family rather than some frat college boys?

Damian: You did drink as a minor, Akhi. Drake-for once-has a point.

Jason: He does. And I am just so proud of you for conjuring up a valid argument. So proud. Dick and I are at the Clock Tower. Finish up with Damian and swing by, I'll let you try it. Don't tell B though.

Tim: *meek voice* Okay.

*Tim disconnects from the main comm line*

Dick: You're seriously going to give Tim a beer?

Jason: No *snorting* I'm giving him non-alcoholic apple cider. He won't know the difference.

Dick and Jason: *laughing drunkingly*

* a quiet night on a roof-top in Crime Alley*

Jason: Do you think we don’t give Gothamites enough credit?

Damian: What do you mean?

Jason: Like-Like they aren’t stupid. They can’t be. They live in Gotham, they have to have some sort of intelligence to survive-

Damian: Roaches can survive nuclear bombs. They are quite intelligent insects.

Jason: *continuing* Wayne Enterprises has companies in fucking everything from medical to plumbing. W.E is to Gotham what Samsung is to South Korea. No one’s ever thought ‘ maybe B’s trying to take over the city?’

Damian: Are you-Do you have the suspicion that Father may be on the cusp of being discovered?

Jason: Think about it. You get off work at your Martha Wayne Foundation job, ride your Wayne Tech scooter home, and use your Wayne Tech rose toy for the evening. *cackling*

Damian: WHAT THE FUCK.

Jason: The Brucie specialty edition one.

Damian: *flabbergasted* Run that last part for me one more time.

Jason: * laughing* Watching your city be terrorized on your Wayne TV.

Damian: You think that because Father is such a philanthropist and involved citizen, a person using a sex toy from his company will somehow come to the realization that he is Batman?

Jason: Yeah.

Damian: Makes sense, yeah. I see it.

* comm line pings*

Tim: *Grunting, the sound of scraping metal can be heard* GODDAMN THIS GUY IS FUCKING HEAVY.

Dick: *laughing* Red Robin just got squashed by a thief. He tried jumping off the roof and missed, fell onto poor Timmy down below.

Jason and Damian: *laughing*

Tim: *grumbling* Can't believe I weaseled my way into this job.

Jason: Oracle, please tell me you got that shit on video.

Oracle: Oh absolutely. I don't miss a thing, I'll send it to you.

Tim: Bullies. Absolute bullies.

Damian: Why don't we ask them about your conspiracy theory, Akhi?

Dick: Huh? What conspiracy theory?

Jason: That don't people in Gotham put two and two together? W.E is responsible for so much product and no one realizes that's suspicious as shit?

Tim: You know-He has a fair point. B’s outreach is pretty expansive.

Damian: That is not what you said at all. He said that an individual would most likely figure out this theory by using a ‘ Wayne Tech rose toy’.

Jason: *cackling*

Dick: HE’S COOKING. WHY IS GOTHAM’S MOST BELOVED BILLIONAIRE INVESTING IN SHIT YOU SELL AT SPENCER’S.

Tim: It’s all coming together.

Jason: You know- Theory aside. Who, out of all of us, is the most likely to spill the beans about B being Batman?

Damian: Grayson. Are you genuinely asking? This man has screamed our secret identities out into the open multiple times. It is a miracle that Father's double life has remained intact for so long.

Dick: You just said my name but I’m the one that’s going to slip up?

Tim: Bro-You went into that 24-hour cafe downtown as Nightwing and when the barista asked for your name, you said " Yeah just put Grayson. Thanks."

Damian: Jesus Christ.

Jason: OH MY GOD. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN BRUCE GYRATED AT THE ICEBERG LOUNGE *cackling* DANCED IN HIS UNDERWEAR ON TOP OF THE ICE SCULPTURE OF A PENGUIN.

Dick: *audibly smiling* To keep up his Brucie Wayne persona. I remember it. *laughing* Alfred couldn't maintain eye contact with him for a few days after.

Tim: I’m still baffled as to why he did that.

Dick: *nonchalantly* To convince people that he’s just a pretty boy with a ton of money and not a furry fighting crime.

Tim: No-I understand that. But did the clothes really have to come off? He couldn’t just pretend to be blackout drunk?

Damian: So if anyone suspects my identity, I'm just suppose to start stripping?

Jason: *laughing*

Dick: *wheezing* Or pretend to be blackout drunk like Tim suggested.

Tim: Oh yeah-The 13 year old is just drunk at the- Shit he’s loose. Nightwing, headed your way!

* the sound of grunting and air whooshing can be heard*

Dick: *sighs* Damn, I am tired. I nearly missed the ledge.

Tim: Shit, me too. What is it with Gotham tonight?

Dick: No clue, I’m comming Jay and Damian. See if we can wrap this up fucking soon.

*comm line pings*

* boots crunching on glass*

Jason: Sometimes you gotta just rip a cigarette, you know what I mean?

Damian: *silent for a moment* No. Not really…But whatever helps you.

Tim: Question and I’m trying my best to phrase this super delicately.

Jason: Yeah?

Tim: How are you not a drug addict? Growing up with Willis and your mom in that environment, you had access to so many substances. I’m surprised you never tried drugs.

Damian: You call that delicate? *voice echoing* Hey Hood, in other words, why did your childhood suck?

Dick: The hell are you talking about. Jay use to smoke weed all the time as Robin.

Jason and Damian: *laughing*

Tim: WHAT. BRUCE DOESN’T EVEN LET ME PATROL IF I’M ON PAINKILLERS SOMETIMES.

Jason: Yeah I- *giggling* Use to smoke weed before patrol sometimes. Not all the fucking time, jackass. *wheezing* I was like 14, some of the kids at school started getting into it. I said fuck it and gave in.

Tim: B didn’t notice? How did he not notice?

Jason: Oh he did. *laughing* Took him a couple months but the old man got there.

Dick: *cackling* Tell him, Jay. PLEASE tell him. I love this story.

Jason: B and I were in the middle of taking down some operation down in the Narrows. I’d smoked an hour before patrol and I was really feeling it. But I wasn’t going to pretend to be sick, you know? This is where my desire for Bruce to love me more than Dick was still strong-

Damian: Cannot believe that even in your drugged state, you allowed your parental issues to peak through.

Jason: I WAS IMPRESSIONABLE. Anyways-Bruce was talking to the Commissioner after it all went down. He was tired, he’d been up for two days trying to track down this certain ring. He tried to say “ There are no more perpetrators left in the warehouse.” *cackles*

Dick: *laughing* It’s not funny. It’s not. It *giggling* could have ended poorly.

Damian: These two can never get out a full story without being reduced to laughter. I swear.

Jason: *clears throat* Instead he says,” There are no more warehouses in the perpetrators” before blanking staring off into the distance like he gave some presidential worthy speech *laughing.*

Tim: *laughter growing louder*

Damian: Lord-Father must have been embarrassed.

Dick: HE WAS. Gordon stared at Jason like is he alright but he was already laughing so hard that tears are streaming down. He tried to put a hand out on the wall to steady himself but misses and falls down, landing on a semi truck that was parked below.

Damian: *laughing* Your addiction was discovered by you performing a Falling Graysons move?

Jason: *crying with laughter* The Falling Graysons.

Dick: Asshole. *chortling* He had Jay drug-tested as soon as Alfie cleared him for injuries.

Tim: *mystified* I can’t believe that the second Robin was using drugs.

Jason: You act like I was snorting shit up my nose. It was weed.

Dick: Bruce tried to pull me into the conversation! He was complaining how “ the uniform was being disgraced and we are technically public servants.” All I said was“ it’s not like it’s coke”and he got mad because that wasn’t the point.

Damian: It is also quite hypocritical as Father use to smoke cigarettes.

Jason: FUCKING EXACTLY. He can’t be mad if he was out there smoking.

Tim: Those are two completely different things, you druggie.

Jason: *wistfully* Every substance I have ever abused was truly loved.

Damian: Someone please get me. I need a trusted adult.

Oracle: Batman is requesting to be added into this comm line.

Dick: *humming* Ok, thanks, Babs.

*comm line pings*

Bruce: All four of you please be on the on look-out for any drug activity in downtown Gotham. There appears to be a new batch of unknown drugs hitting the streets.

Damian: *snickering* Maybe Hood will join them.

Bruce: What?

Jason: Don’t tempt me with a good time, old man. *cackles*

Dick: Oh boy.

Jason: *cackling harder* Nostalgia seems to be calling me. Why don’t you and I go out for a quick blunt huh, B?

Bruce: *disconnects from main line*

Damian: Does this mean that it is acceptable for me to partake in the usage of marijuana?

Jason: Bruce is missing an eye actually.

Damian: *cautiously* Which one?

Jason: Left one. In his early days of vigilantism, he was in a fight that turned sideways.

Damian: *pondering warily* Why did Mother not mention it?

Jason: *without missing a beat* Because she’s embarrassed. Bruce kissed Talia so passionately once that the force ejected it out and rolled down a flight of stairs.

Damian: *nodding slowly* Yes. That makes sense. I see. Should I bring up Father’s disability when I meet him?

Jason: *very seriously* No. Never. This is Bruce we’re talking about. Stubborn and full of pride. Every night though, he has a ritual. He’ll pop it right out and have his newest ward shine it for him like those old timey shoe shiners.

Damian: Am…I expected to do this for him?

Jason: Of course! It’s such a blessing. My God-You know who loves doing it? Tim. I bet he just has that special father-son relationship with Bruce.

Damian: I WILL BE THE BEST PROSTHETIC EYE CLEANER GOTHAM HAS EVER SEEN. * stomps away*

Jason: *snickering silently*

Damian: *surrounded by several prosthetic eyeballs* Hm. I wonder if Father has a preference towards a certain ocular lubricant in which I should be utilizing.

Jason: I’m sure he’ll love whichever one you use. It’s the thought that counts.

Damian: But Timothy Drake has several years of experiencing cleaning-

Jason: Where’d you get all the eyes from?

Damian: Dug them up. You’d be surprised how many of our enemies had missing orbs.

Talia al Ghul: *walking in* What is going on here?

Jason: *attempting to keep a neutral expression*

Damian: *bewildered* Practicing on how to clean Father’s prosthetic eye when I met him. Akhi has informed me that it is a special ritual.

Talia al Ghul: Your father is missing his eye?

Damian: *confused* Yes-Jason said Father’s love was so pure and untamed for you that it fell from his socket and-

Jason: *cackling* ROLLED DOWN THE STREETS OF GOTHAM LIKE A CHEF BOYARDEE CAN.

Talia al Ghul: That never happened. Damian, you should know by now that Jason is always lying.

Jason: *wheezing from laughter*

Damian: *turning to his brother* I shall kill you and cremate you so Mother cannot resurrect you.

Dick: You and Bruce are getting along now?

Jason: I wouldn't go that far. We haven't been at each other's throats for a week.

Dick: I noticed. What's that about?

Jason: There can't be development on my part? Maybe I'm growing up. Maturity can be sexy.

Dick: *holding back a laugh* N-No. I didn't say that! There can be, of course. *voice gets high-pitched* I'm just so proud of you.

Jason: *laughing* You're a jackass. *pauses* I had a revelation the other week. So Damian and I are hanging out and he'd been bothering me about going to that new bookstore that opened in Burnside-

Dick: *humming* Yeah, Barbara was talking to me about it.

Jason: He's wandering around and I stumble across a book called " Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", I start reading it and it's making fucking sense.

Dick: *cackles*

Jason: *smacking sounds* No, listen. I don't fully agree with the whole " it's their first time living too" bullshit. But if my parents got nerfed in front of me at 8, I'd harbor some mixed feelings towards guns.

Dick: Oh my god, Jay. *snorting* You are so fucking awful.

Jason: And he's been emotionally stunted since then and it didn't help that Alfie- god bless his British heart- supported him by letting him create a repressed fursona and leap off buildings at the age of 19. I'd be fucked mentally too if I was dressed as a flying mammal at a critical time in my development.

Dick: * laughing* So the only reason you're getting along with B is because you pity him?

Jason: Pretty much. What? If it works, it works. We can't afford to be picky here, Dickie.

*comm pings*

Damian: Nightwing, Hood. What is the status update on the delivery truck that is rumored to be entering the Bowery tonight?

Jason: *sarcastically* Oh, were we suppose to be looking out for that?

Damian: Imbeciles. You were tasked with one simple job-

Jason: Don't get your nuts twisted. I was joking. No movement.

*comm line is silent for a brief moment*

Dick: Tim, have you heard the news? Jay picked up a groundbreaking novel from a hip new bookstore and figured out the key to getting along with B. You just have to pity him.

Damian: I was there with him. He picked up the book and lifted it up like that children's movie you love, the one about the panthers where he is crowned king-

Jason: Do you mean the Lion King? *cackles*

Damian: *ignoring him* And proclaimed quite loudly " THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE ANSWER."

Tim: *off guard* What?

Damian: I do not understand why we must pity Father. By all accounts, he is a respectable and influential individual in Gotham.

Jason: Hello? Your old man has so much trauma, it’s fucking astonishing that he’s functioning.

Damian: Your biological father beat you over the head with a baseball bat, ask me if I show you any pity.

Tim: *laughing* He has a valid point, Jason. Can you truly build a functional relationship because you have compassion over eight year old B?

Jason: I don't see you getting along with Bruce. You argue with him too.

Tim: *snorting* Occasionally and that's because of whatever your book probably said. He pushes people away, doesn’t connect emotionally, yadayadayada.

Damian: Is there a reason you do not refer to Father by a parental name such as Dad or a " pops" like most Western children do?

Dick: I have never heard a child refer to their parent as " pops" outside of a Little Rascals episode.

Tim: Robin, got eyes on your target?

Damian: *humming* On your mark, RR.

Jason: I only call B " dad" when I'm feeling like a little shit and want to get under his skin. But maybe I should try again. In a different approach.

Dick: I think I referred to him by that a few times and one of them was when I was delirious with a fever. The furniture started looking like people.

Damian: *grunting, punching noises* I did not expect that considering you are the one that argued with Father the most.

Tim: *panting* Stop kicking me, asshole. Rob, tie up this one with the rest and alert GCPD. So true. You and B had a full on brawl in the Cave when Hood died.

Dick: *sucking his teeth* People grieve in many different ways...

*comm pings*

Oracle: I accidentally called him Dad once by mistake and he teared up so quickly that I was disgusted. I had to be like “ No. NO. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.”

Tim and Dick: *bursting into laughter*

Jason: Ripped the hope and dreams right out of his furry hands.

Damian: Do you think Father replays that moment in his head over and over?

Tim: Absolutely. He has to. Had the chance to have a daughter and Barbs stepped on it.

Oracle: Speaking of which…Batman is requesting to join the line.

*comm line pings*

Bruce: Can anyone provide assistance with prison transportations to Arkham? The Commissioner is requesting the extra support.

Jason: *sultry voice* Sure daddy.

Bruce: ……..

*Bruce disconnects from main line*

Tim, Dick, Jason, and Barbara: *howling with laughter*