WanderWonderWanda

I was having a normal day, then:

1.       You looked up from your side of the table and smiled.

2.       You worked so hard trying to keep the conversation going, even though it was so clear we both weren’t really sure what we were talking about.

3.       You greeted me and told me what your new favourite song was and suggested that I check it out. I did, and played it over and over. The more I listened to it the more I swore you were trying to tell me something. The more I listened to it then more I fell in love with it. The more I listened to it the more I fell in love with you.

4.       Every time I saw you I couldn’t tell you.

5.       Every time I saw you, you said nothing.

6.       Again you interrupted my heartbeat but this time I cried.

7.       After a while I regained my steady heartbeat.

I was having a normal day, then:

1.       I saw your face.

2.       You told me that you were wondering if I was me.

3.       I started seeing you everywhere.

4.       I bumped into you on my way to class and that made my heart dance.

5.       Everything you were excited everything within me.

6.       We stopped communicating. It was like my heart had had an accident which left it paralysed making me wonder if it will ever dance again, let alone walk.

7.       It has been a while so my heart takes steady walks occasionally. The only dancing it knows now is the dancing it does with the shadow of yours.

“He is kind.”

“He fears the Lord.”

“He prays.”

“He is funny.”

“He is financially stable.”

“He is saved.”

“He is generous.”

“He’s taller than you, you like them tall right?”

“Did you know he works out? He can probably support you through your weight loss journey.”

“Huh, what are the odds? Did you guys coordinate outfits or is this a coincidence? Whatever it is, I just wanted to say you guys look cute together.”

“Sitting next to each other now are we?” *wink*

“I saw you laughing with him earlier, isn’t it amazing that you find him funny too.”

“I heard that you were in his neighbourhood last weekend.  Did you go to see him?”

“I can’t shake the feeling that something is going on here.” *he-he*

“What will you do/say if he says something?”

OK! I’VE HAD IT.

I really hope he doesn’t say anything. I don’t know what you want me to say or do to be in the clear regarding this. I have said it over and over again that “I DON’T LIKE HIM”. You made me feel guilty about that gag gesture I used to make after saying “I DON’T LIKE HIM” so I stopped. So now I simply roll my eyes and wonder why in the world you would think what you’re suggesting would ever work. Yes, he is not too old and he’s a man, but beyond that I see nothing that would make him more eligible for me.  Believe me when I say this; “I CAN NEVER ACCEPT ANYTHING OF HIS OUTSIDE THE CONTEXT OF FRIENDHSIP AND BROTHERLY LOVE.”

I see an army of men and women in suits, power walking towards the direction of an office park.

I see an unfamiliar single man walking sombrely with a store bought lunch towards the same direction.

I see a smoker, his hand reaching a pocket with a rectangular bulge, he stops outside and lights a cigarette. A beautiful woman rushes to his side with a single unlit cigarette at hand and smiles. The fruit of this wordless exchange was her having her own cigarette lit by this man who decided to double his chivalry points by opening the door of her Uber when it came. He threw his cigarette butt a mere second before his own Uber came.

I look in front of me, my eyes landing on a shiny surface and see myself seated on a cold bench. Though cold, this place is warmer than the flat that keeps me grateful for shelter but hurts me every night by reminding me it’s no longer my home.

I look away and spot a less pathetic person seated on another cold bench, her smile met another warm smile from afar. She stood and invited a hug from a motherly figure. As if her smile hadn’t been something I envied already, it grew when a small boy appeared behind the mother carrying a single cup of coffee as if he was magic. I didn’t see them leave.

I see a tired old lady get a sudden jolt of energy when her eyes met the ones of her cheerful grandchildren running in pyjamas.

I see a teenager in school uniform looking around in frustration, he pants around and fiddles with his phone and joins me on my cold bench. A train arrives and he shoots up when he sees a gang dressed just like him. I realised he didn’t greet nor did he say bye, but that doesn’t bother me.

I see a girl jump her lover and greet him with a passionate kiss, my heart aches and it feels colder and I look away.

I see an army of uniformed men and women probably worn out because of the night shift. A short lady smiled at me, I think I smiled back. My eyes followed her until she got into a bus with her colleagues.  

All the people I saw left after a while; and new people came.

Our destination is never the train station. It is a mere pit stop where we can stretch our legs, catch a breath and take everything we need before we head to the actual destination. The journey never stops here.

But then again, maybe it does.

When I stood my eyes were drawn to a familiar sight. A young couple stood facing one another, not touching and not embracing. One would expect that considering the man had four bulging bags on his side and she had none on hers. The distance between them couldn’t have been greater than the length of your average ruler, but they had faces that said they were already miles apart. The intercom announced that a train was approaching and they moved with an almost perfect sync. She moved a step towards him, his step was away. Long after he had gone into his train she still stood right there a step away from her initial position and an increasing number of steps away from the man who went away in a train without her. I still stood too looking at her; I only walked when she began to cry. I simply couldn’t bear the sight of her shaking with sobs that seemed to start some engine in her body that controlled her waterfall tears.

I want to walk to her and pull her back to her initial position, before she reached for a man who saw her as a pit stop and not the destination.

But I can’t so I don’t.

20 November 2017

Simple tasks such as walking are difficult for her, fluffy carpets feel like thorns as she limps to the kitchen with pain as a companion. A month or so ago, after eating my 4th slice of pizza I wondered if she’s was not just my mother, but me in the future. With her slim college figure beneath 30 years of unhealthy food choices she longs to have it back, especially now with the doctor telling her, the main reason behind her hip problem is that her bones can’t carry her. Can she have it back? Can I stop myself from auto-piloting to where she is right now?

21 November 2017

Who am I asking these questions?

This is what happens when you forget to finish a journal entry; you forget where you were going with a point. After digging in my head a bit, I still have no clue what I was going to say after those questions to the universe.  

 Ok, let me speak life here, she can and I can. The journey of life is fuelled by attitude and mindset right? I can’t help but think I am so wrong about this. Life runs on the engine of our hearts which works because... oxygen and passion? That is why I need to make a healthy lifestyle my passion!

I AM THE DEFINITION OF HEALTH AND DRIVENESS!

Is this my new mantra? Is this my first mantra?

23 November 2017

I remember I wanted to start journaling and think to myself; “Why now? Why can’t I make this a New Year’s Resolution? Why can’t I lie to myself along with everyone who says they will create good habits in the year that’s starting?”

I realise I need a plan and I make it.

1.       Exercise  

2.       Eat healthy

3.       Take it 5 days at a time

 MY PRINCIPLES NEED TO BECOME VALUES!

 24 November 2017

 I tell myself that my 5 days need to start on a Monday, so I decide to start on the 27 of November instead of today.

 27 November 2017

1. Was I really that dumb?

2. Can I burn this? Most of doesn’t make any sense... I guess in the midst of my emotions I forgot a few words, a few sentences and a lot of punctuation.

Oh well.

To anyone who’ll ever read anything I type.

My lungs will fill and then deflate They fill with fire, exhale desire I know it's dire, my time today I have these thoughts so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought 'Cause somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence looking at my face

Sometimes quiet is violent I find it hard to hide it My pride is no longer inside It's on my sleeve, my skin will scream Reminding me of who I killed Inside my dream, I hate this car That I'm driving there's no hiding for me I'm forced to deal with what I feel There is no distraction to mask what is real I could pull the steering wheel

I have these thoughts so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought Cause somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something terrifying 'Cause this time there is no sound to hide behind I find over the course of our human existence One this consist of consistence And it's that we're all battling fear Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here Oh my too deep please stop thinking I liked it better when my car had sound There are things we could do But from the things that work There are only two And from the two that we choose to do, Peace will win, and fear will lose There's faith and there's sleep, We need to pick one please because Faith is to be awake, and to be awake is for us to think And for us to think is to be alive, and I will try with every rhyme To come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts so often I ought To replace that slot with what I once bought Because somebody stole my car radio And now I just sit in silence.

(Techno Solo)

AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE! AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE! AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE! AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE! AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE! AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE! AND NOW I JUST SIT!

To blog, or not to blog:that is the question

  but what should I blog about? mhm *thinking*