A Journey To Self Discovery And Self Love

All I know is that…I will never be the same. When I think back to moments I thought I wouldn’t survive…a sensation of courage overcomes my soul. There were too many times to count that I felt like giving up, that I wished I was dead, but was too afraid to take my own life. I gambled carelessly and recklessly with my health and life so many times. I put myself into the scariest situations that I wasn’t sure I would ever make it out of.

I often wonder if subconsciously, I was trying to prove to myself I could actually make it. If I could survive. I don’t know. I can’t really say why I did these things. I could blame it on a million things — my horrific childhood, my trauma, my sadness but the truth is I chose to put myself in these situations because I didn’t value myself. I didn’t value my existence. I didn’t value my own life. I know that while I was going through it — I was helpless to myself, lost, and completely hopeless. I honestly thought I would never stop feeling this way about myself.

It took me years to realize that my life was worth living. That I was worth loving. It wasn’t anyone that made me realize this. No one came to my rescue. No one saved me. The harsh truth is that no one can save you from the demons you battle within your heart and mind. You have to allow yourself to be free of them — you and only you, can save yourself. Sure there were people along the way that helped pick up some of the pieces, but for every person that helped — there were one or two trampling over the already shattered pieces that were my life — pain, sadness and trauma. Most people saw broken pieces. But there were a few who saw the beauty of what could be.

The day that I realized that my life was worth living, was the day I thought I was going to die. I finally realized how much I have to live for, how loved I actually am, and that I am worthy of my own self love — which was something that I never felt before.

I’ve always hated myself, my body — pretty much everything about me. I hated myself for most of my life because of all the agonizing moments I experienced at the hands of people who were supposed to protect and love me. These are the deepest wounds, the hardest to heal. These moments destroyed all love I had — that I could have had. The same moments that destroyed me — created my self image. And sadly that was built on hate, anger, and pain.

They all could mean the same thing, but when you experience one or all at once — it’s crippling. Each has its own feeling and meaning. And it’s so different for every person. No pain or sadness is ever the same. It can never be compared to someone else’s. So I don’t know how your traumas have crippled you but I do know that there is always hope buried beneath all your struggles and self doubt.

No matter how much pain and agony acknowledging the past brought, I knew that I had to accept it as a part of me. I’ve learned that I don’t have to love all the parts of me, but I don’t have to hate them either. They broke me. But they left wisdom, kindness, and gratitude. They gave me strength for the future self I would become someday. The person I am today.

So I leave you with this. Face your demons. It’s excruciating in every sense, but also completely necessary. When you finally make it out to the other side — and I promise you will if you stay committed to healing yourself. You will see just how much beauty was buried under all the destruction that was your life. You’ll learn to give yourself grace and love before you give hatred and anger.

Some of the most significant teachers were sadness, loss, trauma, and depression. They are faster teachers than joy. Sad, right? All the suffering silently, struggling to find meaning to my life, the nights I wished I wouldn’t wake up. In these moments of weakness made me realize how strong and capable of a person I truly am, and what I could be if I continued to heal myself. Imagine how careless we would be if we never experienced the bad in life.

Nothing is guaranteed, not even tomorrow. Only yesterday. If you can be anything, be you. Because no one else can. Be grateful. Be proud. Keep growing, learning, falling down and getting back up no matter how hard it is.

I’ve learned that perfection doesn’t exist — but progress does.

Be proud.

A personal fave

The past has haunted me for quite sometime now. 

I admit, I’ve let it. Because it was easier than sorting through the destruction it all left behind. Soon, sooner than you think -- you will have to sort through all this. All the mess, all the madness, all the pain, all the sadness. You will start to understand your anger, you’ll start to understand your fears, but most of all you will start to understand yourself. The things you’re made up of. The things that define you. The things that shaped you. The things that made you, you. 

You will have to sort through the past piece by piece. Dealing with one trauma at a time. Letting too much pain in at once, can cost you your sanity. It will made you question yourself in almost everything. It will make you insecure. It will make you weak. It will break you. 

Sorting is the easier of the steps. Putting things into categories. Finding reasons, and purpose, and overall meanings -- those are the harder steps to take. The ones that most people never get to. It’s easy to sort. It’s difficult to relive all the moments and memories you’ve been sorting through all the ones that caused so much damage, so much heartache, and so much pain. 

It is not a straight and narrow road. There are twists, turns, bumps, and roadblocks all along the way. There will be challenges and obstacles that you will have to face head on. Sometimes facing these things are even harder than the actual memory itself. The agony of reliving the pain all over again for a second, third, or fourth time is just as traumatic as the first. But this is how we unravel the past. This is how we take into account all these moments of pain that ‘broke you’. In reality, these are the moments that made you. Facing the past is just the beginning of who we are meant to become. As we tackle piece by piece, more and more about ourselves will make sense. We will see change. There will be shifts. You’ll be kinder to yourself. You’ll be more patient. And slowly that anger that you’ve been been carrying for so long, starts to blow away like sand on a beach. The wind carries out pain into wisdom.

This is how you start to learn about yourself. This is where you begin to admire your scars, your pain, and your sadness. Because those are the things that have carried you this far. Those are the things that have killed you inside, but kept your heart alive and yearning for more -- more of the good and less of the pain. 

I always thought that there was a reason that I suffered so much trauma and pain. I must have deserved it. And for years, I believed this. I believed that I had deserved all that I had endured and experienced. All the painful, cold, and lonely moments that still haunt me so many years later. 

Running away from my past was much easier than letting it go. Running away I could pretend that none of it ever happened. I could remove myself from all the pain. All the memories. All the sadness. It was just something that happened. But the truth of it all is that letting go, is probably one of the hardest things you’ll have to do. 

You’ll have to look in mirror and acknowledge every moment of pain, sadness, and terror -- and define how those moments have shaped you. Because even with all the good in my life that has influenced me, the bad has made me so much better. It is because of the bad, that I am who I am. It is because of the bad, that I am not scared of failing. It is because of the bad, that I will never give up on myself, my dreams, or my passions. 

I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I am still becoming who I am meant to be. I finally breaking free from the shackles of my past. I am finally free...

The bad is bad, but what you do with the bad -- doesn't always have to be ‘bad’. 

But you’ve got experience, to overcome this pain for you’ve already experienced it once before.

We aren’t afraid of newness; we are terrified of old pain.

The same thought process or mindset will get you the same result every time.

Everyone is your teacher.

Take notes.

We are students of life — and all it’s mysterious wonder.

Remember when falling in love — people can only meet you as deep and as far as they have met themselves. And often times, the pain is just too painful for them to sift through and pick out the lessons to take.

Redirect your mind and heart to a place is that safest and healthiest for you. No one can tell you what you need at what time. So sit with your thoughts, your emotions, your mind, and your heart.

Just listen.

Each of us has an individualized journey and path that is bigger than us, bigger than we can imagine. We are here to walk that path that takes us through the journey of our life.

To learn. To grow. To evolve into the best versions of ourselves. There will be ups and there will be downs. But you will know when you get to where you’re supposed to be; because it will feel like home.

Road blocks and barricades are put in our path not to keep us from breaking through or crossing over them, but to show us that we can do anything we set our mind and hearts to. That all the power that we wish we had is right within our soul, just waiting to be discovered. Ready and willing to shine through in your darkest hours. 

Hardship builds character, and character is what makes you shine. 

I have had a lot of hardship in my life. At times my world felt like it was crashing down, and in some moments it actually was. I fell into a dark place; hole -- that seemed nearly impossible to escape from. 

I had lost all connection to myself and who I was as a person. I had no self love, no confidence, no awareness of the changes that I needed to make in order to move through this dark time in my life. 

It was in that very dark and lonely place where my journey began. Where I found who I was, and what I was actually capable of. I began to see my inner light shining letting me know not to give up, no matter what it took. 

It gave me hope. It gave me peace in a world that to me was utter chaos and confusion. It gave me faith. It lead to me believing in myself. I knew that if I didn’t stand back up and fight -- I would be stuck in this hell that was my mind. 

Once you understand that it doesn’t matter how you get to the otherside -- crawl, walk, run. Don’t give up. You owe that much to yourself. 

There were times I felt high on life, and other times I sank back into this place. Each time I came back to this place, I knew that I could not stay here. This was a temporary space for me. It wasn’t meant to be forever. Each time I came back, I was stronger and wiser than the last. 

Life isn’t about creating the perfect life. Life is meant to be about loving yourself, knowing your worth, dreaming big, going after all the things you want, experiencing, learning lessons, loving, losing, pain, sorrow, hurt, etc. 

Life is tricky thing. You have to crawl through the depths of your pain and soul, before you can stand up and walk back into the light. 

There is always a light. Always. Even in the darkest of places. Know that. Believe that. Trust that. 

Pain. Struggle. Sadness. These are all temporary and they will pass. Do not give up. Always fight. When you fall, stand back up and refuse to give up. 

Letting go and moving on is hard. Learning to love yourself is painful at times, because it means letting go of people and situations that you know are no longer good for you.

Pain resurfaces and presents itself in many forms — someone new usually, situations, complications, lessons that are repeated and presented in newer more complicated ways. Someone who seems great but really isn’t right for you. We will keep having new people until you finally meet someone who feels like home, and you realize that you’ve never actually felt safe in your other relationships.

It will make you question things that you’ve done. People that you’ve chosen. Paths that you’ve gotten lost on. And you’ll ask yourself, who am I? And who do I want to be today, tomorrow, and in the future?

When you meet someone after you’ve healed, after you’ve done all the self work to rebuild yourself — that is a different kind of love. It’s a one of a kind, forever love.

It’s easy to let outside voices get into your mind and heart. Why do we so easily let so many others be the voice of our own reason? Why do we let outsiders tell us what we are feeling inside? Who knows you better than you?

When you’ve worked so hard to get yourself to a place in your life that finally feels like a level ground. When you’ve worked to get yourself to a place of life, respect, and gratefulness. People of the past think they know us, because of a version of you that they knew. But the truth of it all is that we are ever changing, growing, strengthening human beings.

Don’t let small minded, half hearted people into your happy place that you now call — your life. They don’t belong there anymore. So they certainly have no business being in your mind. Making you question things that have been perfectly consistent and natural.

When your heart moves on, your mind follows thereafter. But only in that order. There will come a time in everyone’s life when the people that have mishandled you, mistreated you, or disrespected you — will regret that they treated you that way.

Forgive — for yourself, and no one else. Release them into the past where they belong. It doesn’t mean you have to forget about them or resent them — even if the pain they’ve caused was unbearable at one point. Forgive. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. Forgive yourself for giving your entire being to someone who didn’t deserve the magic that you hold within your soul and heart.

Forgive because it will make you stronger in the end.

We all have a destination.

What we don’t realize is there is no timeline on getting to that place. It’s all the little stops, detours, and getting lost along the way that create a journey to your destination.

This is how we reveal parts of ourselves that need healing, that need love, that need to be nurtured by you in order for you to grow and to have the strength to be confident and courageous, when when it hurts and there a lot of unknowns.

You are the only one who can fix and heal — you. No one can love you into loving yourself again.

Showing your scars — Not with shame, but with bravery and grace. Because through the storm, the most beautiful things await you even when they seem so out of reach.

You don’t realize how close they really are when you’re weathering a storm you’ve never experienced before.

Gather your lessons and experiences and take those with you.

They will serve you in your journey.

Leave all the bullshit and pain behind you.