i just feel so guilty. it's been almost five months since you broke up with me and i still think about you and the time we js together when you flew out to visit me. i really thought this would work. i still hear you talking about small things in our lives together like our gaming setups next to each other and how you wanted to care for me and do things for me while i'm on my period. i thought after five months of talking nearly everyday, you helping me go through my move from korea to california, and us just being there for each other when things got hard individually, this would've lasted a long time. we barely made it over a month of us officially being together when you realized you didn't want me. you didn't want a girlfriend. you wanted all the things that came with a girlfriend without the responsibility, without acknowledging that i'm am actual fuckin human being with feelings and flaws.
you wanted me in your life still. selfish. but i knew i wasn't going to be in your life. we still had dnd with our friends and i tried, i tried so fucking hard but i knew i needed to get away from you entirely. but they didn't want me to leave. they'd rather it be you. and it was. i felt so fucking bad bc i knew they wouldn't tell you about the situation and that you'd learn about it in real time. i wish someone would've talked to you. but it couldn't have been me. i couldn't do that to myself bc i needed to stay away from you. but part of me wishes i did reach out and let you know what was happening. that would've disregarded my own feelings to take care of yours. but that's unfair to me.
you freaked out, understandably. and instead of letting the others explain the situation, you went nuclear and just cut everyone else out, after sending us all your thoughts about me essentially being the mastermind behind this and how shitty they all are for going with it...
i know you watched our last dnd session. one of the guys saw you lurking. what for? do you miss us? me? or is it just the guys? i truthfully don't know what else you could've been watching for... whatever the reason is it's pathetic but not in a condescending way. in a thats so fucking sad that that's what you've been reduced to kind of way.
so now the guilt has returned. bc i don't know how you've been doing in your life and im afraid bc of me, you're really struggling. yes you hurt me but i never wanted anything bad for you. i just didn't want you in my life in any way , yet here i am, five months later, bawling my eyes out at midnight bc of you and everything that's transpired

































