just trying to lose weight

you wanted me in your life still. selfish. but i knew i wasn't going to be in your life. we still had dnd with our friends and i tried, i tried so fucking hard but i knew i needed to get away from you entirely. but they didn't want me to leave. they'd rather it be you. and it was. i felt so fucking bad bc i knew they wouldn't tell you about the situation and that you'd learn about it in real time. i wish someone would've talked to you. but it couldn't have been me. i couldn't do that to myself bc i needed to stay away from you. but part of me wishes i did reach out and let you know what was happening. that would've disregarded my own feelings to take care of yours. but that's unfair to me.

you freaked out, understandably. and instead of letting the others explain the situation, you went nuclear and just cut everyone else out, after sending us all your thoughts about me essentially being the mastermind behind this and how shitty they all are for going with it...

i know you watched our last dnd session. one of the guys saw you lurking. what for? do you miss us? me? or is it just the guys? i truthfully don't know what else you could've been watching for... whatever the reason is it's pathetic but not in a condescending way. in a thats so fucking sad that that's what you've been reduced to kind of way.

matt, part of me is mad that i allowed you to do this to me. there were so many things i valued in you. you have such good qualities and perspectives that most men these days don't have. ive never met a man like you before and i wanted so bad for this to work. we even joked about my name if we ever got married. i definitely hoped that would eventually happen.

but between your depression, apathy, lack of relationship experience (let's be real what that girl did to you is NOT a relationship), and skewed idealistic view of what a relationship should be and what it really is, this didn't work out. i was willing to be patient and help you grow. i wanted to be there for you and support you while you discover who you are and what you need and want.

obviously you didn't want me. not like that. you still wanted to be friends and visibly got upset at me for needing distance and not seeing or talking to you. how fucking selfish. fuck you. you break my heart and then expect me to want you to stay in my life. and when i tell you i'm trying to get through this pain and appear strong because i don't want you to see how much this hurts me you just sit there. i let my walls down and cried and told you i'm heartbroken and this fucking sucks but i'm not gonna beg you to stay. i'm not gonna guilt trip you or manipulate you into regretting your decision and staying with me.

you're right, i do deserve someone who will emotionally be there for me. someone who will go out of their way for me and not just when it's convenient for them. someone who wants me around and will think of me even when i'm not around.

my/our friends helped me understand that i did what i could. i was the best girlfriend i possibly could be and considering everything you've gone through and how you are, they all said you really fucked up with this one. and you did. a lot of women at our age aren't going to be patient with someone inexperienced and immature like you - their words, not mine.

part of me regrets being vulnerable and opening up to you about my life and me as a person. but because of that, part of me hopes you never forget me and realize how big of a mistake it is.

i know i always joke about my zodiac shit but damn you had yourself a taurus who genuinely cared for and loved you and you just gone and fucked it up. we never forget shit like this.

part of me hopes your life just stays shitty so you can see how much i helped you and how good i was in your life. but that's just the hurt person inside. i don't want you to be lonely or alone. i don't want you to feel apathetic to everything. i want you to discover something amazing for yourself, something that excites you, something that makes you want to keep living. bc i know your mental state is bad. and i don't want you to keep on living through that.

i want to thank you for something... anything. but i don't think there's anything that aren't qualities of a decent human being or you just doing the bare minimum. i know i'll be able to move on with time and i hope that you take fond memories with you.

im upset. im pissed. im hurt. but i truly don't wish ill upon you.