heaven has forsaken the masturbator

my least favorite literary smut turn of phrase is when a guy is like “im gonna ruin this pussy” “im gonna wreck this pussy for anyone else” like stop.. thats not yours…!

did you guys know that imagining something = as good as having it

it's actually better than having it because you dont have to have it

TRUE.

after evaluating my finances and my spending habits, I've found that it might just be more beneficial to ask my vet to put me down

my buddy brings her angel girlfriend to the function, I spend the whole time refusing to look at or even acknowledge her existence, because I am a staunch atheist and dont believe in that nonsense. she starts to throw things at my head to get my attention and between volleys of marbles and kitchen utensils I grunt "swamp gas. aurora borealis. probably a weather balloon.youre seeing things"

another day, I greet my friend at the door, I look over her shoulder and raise an eyebrow, "I see you've brought the electromagnetic phenomena again,"