Be careful out there

i had a nap dream that i got a phalloplasty and the results were so incredible that somehow it got out that i had the most beautiful penis in the world (whatever that would mean) and actors started hiring me to be their penis double in films (as if there are a ton of penis closeups in hollywood) and i made a decent living doing it but it was in all my contracts not to say anything so no one knew it wasn’t the actors’ real penises. but then after a few years a journalist noticed and compared all the shots and realized they were all the same penis so she found me and wrote an article for vanity fair. i was thrust into the spotlight and didn’t know how to handle the attention. i got invited to talk about it on a talk show and the host introduced me like “you know his penis…now meet the man!”

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eating would be fine if it was only a recreational activity. instead, its a horrible sisiphean nightmare and you need to do it every day without fail on threat of pain and death

I just had a physical exam today and I haven’t done the little knee hammer reflex test since I was like four years old so I was just like “yeah it’ll just make me flinch or whatever nbd” but when the doctor actually DID it my whole ass leg fucking launched into the air like I was David fucking Beckham. She didn’t even give me a second to recover either, I was gripping onto the exam table for dear life like “oh my god I’m so sorry” and WHAM she nails the other one. My entire body jolts as my foot flies three feet in the air and she twirls out of the trajectory of a five toe death kick to the groin like a capoeira master and just says “you have very brisk reflexes”. Like miss ma’am with the PHD didn’t just Ratitouille my whole shit. Like respectfully your honour you just played my skeleton like a piano, what the hell

Seems like this one struck a nerve

daddy wants to see yall on yall baddest behavior. lend me some sugar. I AM your neighbor.

I genuinely cannot tell if this is supposed to be a horny post or House of Leaves inspo. Great job, op.

secret third option actually. now, don't have me break this thing down for nothing

"can you take care of this" i already did. an hour ago. i'm the fastest secretary in the west. i am the swiftest gazelle sprinting on the field of schedules and phone calls and emails. secretariat? the triple crown record holder? that was me too. seabiscuit get fucked. turning you to glue. i redid your dumbass filing system while i was at it. fuck with me

Please, call me Frankenstein. Frankenstein was my father, but stealing his name and overriding his presence in the dominant cultural consciousness has been really, really satisfying

Me sneaking into the kitchen at 3:42 to eat leftover pasta

Be like Sugar

ultimately the truth about frankenstein is that we are all grotesque amalgamations of the best and worst parts of everyone who came before us. and sometimes the people who are supposed to love us because of and in spite of this will not. and we can kill them with hammers for that. and i think that’s beautiful

well i can’t argue with that one

Ah yes, Mary Shelley’s monster.

no mary shelley is the name of the monster not the doctor

common misconception! mary shelley's monster was actually lord byron