The Pretty Knight

i'm sorry i didn't respond to your DM for 23 days. the number on the notification icon got really big and i began having irrational anxious thoughts such as "what if people are in there trying to contact me"

One of the many benefits of being weird in public is possibly saving -- and definitely improving -- a stranger's life without ever knowing.

You’re really good at origami holy sh

i learned it specifically to make these for this exact situation 

Aren’t you the same bitch that gave your sister $100 dollars in nickels?

same bitch

Yeah, neither of these things happened 👍🏼

WOAH just saw spiderman eating pizza on a roof

oh shit he ate the whole thing . he just like me frfr

spiderman just left the pizza box on the roof but then came back a minute later and clearly felt bad for littering so now hes swinging through downtown holding an empty pizza box

hes hit a street light

he's swinging away now clearly very embarrassed and he thinks nobody saw it. i saw you spiderman

fuck

I identify the most with the woman who has a green velvet ribbon around her neck and keeps being like "DONT untie my neck ribbon or something really bad will happen" and then her husband unties the ribbon and her head falls off. this is extremely real to me. spent my whole life like "please don't do this thing to me or really bad stuff will happen" and everyone around me being like "that sounds fake" and doing it anyway. and then my head fell off!

kids very badly need [SOMETHING] in their life. i spent a minute thinking about how to word this post because its not quite role models and its not quite structure. the only word i can think of is, like, substance. character. so much of a kids life is Fucking Bullshit and when you give them something solid to latch onto, something for real and something that's worth it, sometimes you see them fucking latch onto it like its the first time theyve had air

Why suffer ennui when you can get a bánh mì

Hey when you're writing up your NDAs, could you include a clause that lets everyone still talk to me? Yeah, whatever, I won't tell anyone, I just wanna know. Thanks.

who thinks 👍 is passive aggressive i read it as an old timey mobster going "on it boss"

Whenever I use thumbs up I'm sticking my hand out from under a pile of rubble, too exhausted to speak, but signalling I'm okay

I’m tapping the feed to acknowledge the message like Murderbot

my noble and wise rare pair vs your crazy reaching stupid crack ship

[Polish. A red writing on the wall saying "no smoking" changed to "beating meat compulsory" with a black sharpie]

I remember someone saying “when I die, plant catnip on my grave. I want to be visited by lots and lots of cats” and that changes the way I see my own future death entirely