a bimbo, a mean bisexual,

every friend group should include a bimbo, a mean bisexual, an even meaner lesbian, she/theys and he/theys, a token straight that’s on thin ice, an astrology bitch who has everyone’s birth chart memorized, and a short king

Developing a sick fixation on the bagel guy I get breakfast from every Friday on my way to work. I have visited his stall thrice and each time he hears my order, shakes his head, and gives me a slightly different version of my order that tastes better than what I'd originally asked for

Today I asked for a plain lox spread bagel and he gave me an everything bagel with a lox, scallion, and dill spread and it fucks so heavy. Moaning at work rn

No i will not tell you who this is or where. This is MY parasocial relationship with a bagel guy who is doing a kind of customer service dom thing to me. You guys don't get to HAVE him [eyes start glowing as I growl]

"kill them with kindness" WRONG. chair attack 🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑🪑

war is stupid i think all those army guys should just fuck each other in uniform

"they took pluto from you" "they took dinosaurs from you" "they took neptune from you" grow a second personality trait and stop getting upset that our understanding of the world has grown since you were in 3rd grade

They took naptime from you

btw it is sexy and cool to uplift and admire people who have skills you wish you had without using their ability as a stick to beat yourself with. even and especially if you are jealous of them.

I just used the line “that’s not an asshole move, it’s a whole asshole ballet” and I’m kinda proud of it so it’s going here where it will get the recognition it deserves.

A pas de douche, if you will

All right, the rest of you can go home, this one wins.

To quote Cave Johnson: "Science isn't about why, it's about WHY NOT!"

I want a knife gun.

For an updated Ides of March

remember when u were like 11 and the only thing u wanted was a lava lamp

i still would tbh

sorry i cant hang out tomorrow im celebrating the death of a 2123 year old roman politician with a bunch of psychos on tumblr. yeah its gonna be all day