Untiled

Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O’Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately. “In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the ghastly, mysterious men who haunt our catacombs on this organization’s payroll,” said O’Leary, who expressed regret that the personnel reduction was happening at a time when job openings for egomaniacal opera ghouls were at a historic low.

Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present without my one decent pair of scissors,” said Jay, 30, as she tore through her home in search of the Fiskars premier craft scissors she’d paid over $15 for at Michael’s.