yank out those teeth I’m not using ‘em anyway

Well, let me tell you. One time I left the stove on (dangerous. disastrous) so obviously I am a chronic Stove Leaver On-er and should be killed. The toilet in my apartment runs and could potentially overflow and flood the place. One time I didn’t check the toilet and it turned out it was running (dangerous. disastrous) so obviously I am a chronic Toilet Running Non-Checker and should be killed.

And, of course, if I were to leave the apartment with the stove on or the toilet running or the door unlocked everyone in the whole world would simultaneously point at me and yell “she is unlovable,” and then stone me in the town square.

So, yes. I have that kind of OCD. But those are the outside manifestations, the ones that you can see. I also have the inside ones, that eventually turn into outside ones. And I don’t we talk about those enough, because, to put it mildly, they don’t bother other people, until they do.

So. Inside manifestations. My main one is intrusive thoughts.

Right now, at my worst, I have probably have 30 intrusive thoughts times a day.

That sounds like a lot. It is! And I think I’m lowballing it. 30 is a lot of times to panic about being garbage.

My intrusive thoughts always remind me of something bad I’ve done in the past. A mistake I’ve made, a time I’ve hurt someone, a time I’ve embarrassed myself. So I’m constantly, like. Tormented by the time I made my sister cry, or I said something to hurt my boyfriend, or acted so awfully in public that someone snapped at me.

And, yeah, that doesn’t seem that bad. But this is OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. When the thought hits, it’s always “you hurt this person irrevocably because you are an irrevocably terrible person. you owe it to yourself, the person you hurt, and the entire world to think about this nonstop so you never make this mistake again.”

In other words: “you are a bad person because you did this. If you don’t obsess over it and find out exactly what you did wrong, you will continue to be a bad person.”

And wouldn’t you know it, I obsess over what happened. Suddenly, I can’t stop thinking about it, and the stakes are so high, because if I don’t obsess over it, I’m a bad person. A lot of the time the obsession part of the OCD becomes worrying about your own moral character. It’s sneaky, and it’s also not discussed as much. We notice when someone washes their hands over and over again. We don’t always notice when someone spirals out of control because they’re worried they are, at their core, a terrible person.

So I’m upset, I’m anxious because I am convinced I am utter filth, and I can’t stop fucking thinking about it. How do I get it to stop? Ah. I do a physical motion. Now, I’m weird in public. How nice.

It’s not the same every time, but I have to do something physical. In fact, I am compelled to do so. It’s a compulsion. Like in the name. Almost forgot about that.

Usually, it’s me hitting myself. Sometimes it’s not that noticeable, it’s just a short slap on my thigh. Sometimes it’s me hitting myself really hard in the forehead with my fist.

Once, in a grocery store, I closed my eyes and opened my mouth in a silent scream. I didn’t even realize what I had done until after but like. There were people around. Someone definitely saw.

And to be fair, this is a relatively unnoticeable action. I don’t make noise, and I don’t attract attention because I don’t make big, sporadic movements, but still. Grown ass woman pulling the scream alone in a grocery store. Odd.

And if you’re talking to me when the intrusive thought hits, it’s so fucking obvious. I’ll just be mid-conversation and I’ll have to stop to slap myself on the arm because “I thought of something bad.”

Intrusive thought, internal torture, physical compulsion. Bad days, this happens 20+ times. It’s unpleasant.

For the curious, no, I’m not taking medication for OCD right now, for a variety of reasons. I’m trying a new strategy where the motion I do is just me tapping myself lightly twice, or clapping twice. Hopefully, that will help.

So yeah. I have OCD. There are other ways it interferes with my life, but I focused on intrusive thoughts because, until recently, I didn’t realize they were OCD and just thought I was a horrible person who deserved to be killed for her crimes.