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so I read this very poorly if you’d be so kind please ignore my lack of comprehension

National Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

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Besides who with a insecure (don't feel safe socially from past social trauma) superiority perfectionist complex would ever want to admit to being "disordered", the biggest priority of someone who has npd is survival through social manipulation, putting a big red target of stigmatization on your head isn't going to help get you the supply you need by your objective of disillusioning others to think you're stable, If anything admitting it will just drive that supply away, this isn't the kind of disorder where people bring you flowers and wish the best for your recovery, soon as people hear your condition they turn their heart off like a switch, So that empathically conditional approach (you show me no empathy and I show you no compassion or understanding) pours gasoline on the fire, pouring more shame onto someone who is already traumatized and has the disorder as a result of that and than it makes them reject accepting that about themselves and reject siding with anyone that's similar because they're trying to mask and don't want to be associated with the outcasted even if they themselves are, and so because of this perpetuation of shame it helps them never heal because resources keep turning them away and they don't feel safe opening up but the people who perpetuate the shame cycle to narccisists reinforcing the social trauma that bore the disorder in the first place have the audacity to bitch about them never getting better.

It's just about as stupid as punishing someone for telling the truth than losing their shit on that person when they learn the only safe option is to subconsciously develop into a pathological liar.

I see much less of this than I thought I would in Tumblr ASPD spaces, but...

Physical boredom. It does not feel like you're bored mentally, it feels like your entire fucking being is boredom. It's understimulation to an extreme, and comes from lack of emotional substance in day-to-day life. Ever since I was a child, everything about interaction with the world was hooked onto the material and the physical.

Emotions that don't feel like they matter. We do feel emotions in spikes at points, but they fade very quick. This impairs emotional memory, too. Fucks up reflection. Good things feel like they last shorter. Oftentimes when a good thing ends, it feels like it sucks extra hard because it's so abrupt.

Inconsistency. The fact that emotional involvement is so fleeting often has us jumping into commitments because we feel like surely this time we're gonna engage long-term. And then it's gone. And we seem like liars, like we lied about how we care, or how much something interests us.

Irritation, so much irritation. When I'm "flatlining" it could very well be because of ambient anger. And when people approach me with anything, I just feel annoyed, further. I feel zero interest in them. I just want to do my thing and I'm irritated that I'm getting so little emotional feedback from literally anything I'm doing. This compounds irritation into a loop. And we stay in the loop of dissatisfaction. Of "eh". The understimulation + irritation feels like they should cancel out, but they do not.

Sleep problems. We're already understimulated so much, that going to sleep feels like we're committing to even less stimulation. So we stay up. Sometimes we're just not sleepy for seemingly a dozen hours past sleep time. Who knows what the fuck that is.

Trouble reacting to our own emotional/sensory cues. Sometimes this is the reason why we're not going to bed. We're tired but we ignore it for some reason. Some of us, including myself, will just hold piss for like 2 hours straight. Some of us ignore cold, hunger, pain, numbness in limbs that fell asleep from us sitting in the same position for hours.

Financial irresponsibility. We're not very risk-averse. We spend money on things that give us stimulation, some kind of distraction from the noisy void of engagement we live in. This causes us to blow through our savings quick. Not everyone, but me for sure.

Substance abuse. Over 80% of people with ASPD have substance abuse issues. I imagine it's stimulation-driven, and also an attempt to find external self-regulation. I heavily, heavily abused meth, heroin and ketamine intravenously prior to my psychosis. But mostly meth.

hi nitro.

for the worst, i will always say the boredom. that &&. the fact that you will always feel so fundamentally different than everyone else, making it harder to have those genuine connections.

🎯

Yall don’t fucking understand anything. You think you know shit abt things you’ve never experienced. I’m not being insensitive on purpose. I’m not being emotionally distant on purpose. I’m not suppressing my empathy on purpose.

The real problem is these people are so bent on trying to push that everyone needs to have compassion but it always falls short on them if they can't get it in return from people with aspd and npd immediately. selfless my ass.