Hello yaāll. Iām Twilight Angel. Welcome to my page. You can call me Angel, or Twilight, or Tangel (courtesy of a discord friend).
Iām christian and aroace and most likely not neurotypical (nothing diagnosed, but life, ya know?), plus Iām a blatant supporter of other members of the LGBTQA+ community and people who are neurodivergent or disabled in any way. If you do not like or support those things this probably isnāt the blog for you. Please politely move on.
I do have my own links meetup that Iām working on, but it will basically all be written and posted on A03, mostly because I am not very good at drawling. But, that being said, I am working on reference drawings for my Links and will be posting them on a secondary blog here, along with rambles about the darlings, as I get them done. So, be prepared for that I guess XD
I have various other fics posted on my A03Ā as well, including a couple WIP Avatar the last Airbender fics, but my brain is currently fixated on Zelda, so donāt expect updates on those for a bit XP
Anyways. Hi, I hope weāll have fun bopping around on this site and talking about nerd stuff together.
P.S. The art in my bio and my profile pic are not mine.
Profile pic was done byĀ MaskedMoogle on IG
Bio art was done by Lemog Leo on Artstation
Some useful links.
My Writing Whump Scale
My Link Meetup AU Blog
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Terrible Fic Idea #92: Percy/Apollo, but make it The Trojan War
Into every fandom, a time travel fic must fall - or in this case a second one, because I somehow got to thinking about the delightful PJO trope of Percy being thrown back in time to The Trojan War and realized that doing so misses out on a fantastic opportunity.
Or: What if post-TOA Percy Jackson and Apollo time travel to shortly before The Trojan War?
aka the Tried To Change The Ending fic
Just imagine it:
Everything follows canon through TOA, with one exception: rather than struggle to catch up in the mortal world following the Second Gigantomachy, Percy elects to stay at Camp Half-Blood. There he can homeschool at his own place with programs tailored towards ADHD children and still visit his family on the weekends - and not get into any more ridiculous situations in the mortal world when one of the gods kidnaps him or sends him on a quest to find their sneakers.
This, naturally, stresses his relationship with Annabeth - who, now that she's no longer living at camp full time, calls it the easy way out. But Percy is tired and struggling in mortal high school where everyone thinks he's a delinquent idiot when another option exists seems foolish. Percy and Annabeth break up and drift apart.
Enter Apollo, fresh from his latest stint as a mortal. He's trying to do his best by his children, which includes popping by camp as often as he can get away with - which in turn means spending a lot of time with Percy, who at this point is unofficially running CHB because it's not like Dionysus or even Chiron have done a brilliant job of it in recent times.
(First aid, strategy, and mythology classes are made mandatory. Percy personally ensures every demigod knows enough about self-defense to be able to survive long enough to run away or for help to arrive. Bullying is cracked down on so hard that it's this, not Percy's generally parental nature, that has people calling him Camp Mom.)
Percy and Apollo become friendly. Enough so that some of Apollo's kids assume they're dating and keeping it on the down-low so as not to draw Zeus' ire. Or Poseidon's. Or anyone else's. It's on one of their not-dates that they're yeeted into the past, without warning or explanation.
And so 19-year-old Percy Jackson and post-TOA Apollo find themselves in Ancient Greece c. 1220 BCE, roughly thirty-five years before the destruction of Troy.
The time travel is immediately obvious, as Apollo becomes the closest thing a god might experience to being high the moment they land in the past - being a powerful god in modern times is nothing like being a powerful god at the height of his power in ancient times. It's overwhelming (and somewhat alarming from Percy's POV, but kind of funny in retrospect.)
The specific date is harder to determine, but made clear when Hermes shows up and starts going on about you'll never believe what father's done now: he seduced the Spartan queen as a swan and she's laid an egg. Hera is furious - especially as they're saying the girl that hatched from it is the most beautiful in the world, even though she's only a few days old. It's nuts. By the way, where have you been? You missed the last two council meetings. Do you want Dad to punish you?
Apollo at this stage is very high. He's also been USTing over Percy for quite some time and is worried what the gods of this era might do to Percy without divine protection (smiting or seduction, it's all on the table). But mostly he's very high, and so to keep Percy close and safe he declares he's been off having the dirtiest of dirty weekends with his latest lover and that Hermes' presence is ruining the mood. So if he would kindly leave, please and thank you, he'd really rather get back to it without an audience.
This, naturally, is a surprise to Percy, but he rolls with it because 1) he doesn't have any better ideas on how to get rid of Ancient Greek Hermes so they can figure out what the hades is going on and 2) he's been USTing over Apollo ever since he recovered enough from Tartarus to start feeling attraction again.
Fueled by mutual UST, they put together a cover story that should hold the next time a god with too much prurient interest shows: Percy is now Prince PersÄ of Gadir - a Phoenician colony that will grow into the future Cadiz - well past the edge of the Greek world at this stage but not beyond belief for Poseidon to have visited, as it's obvious who his father is. They claim his mother is the King of Gadir's youngest sister and as such PersÄ had a royal upbringing, but was far enough down the line of succession that he was free to chose to sail east and explore his father's homeland. Apollo caught sight of him on his journey, one thing led to another, and here they are.
(Are there easier, more sensible cover stories? Possibly. But the UST refuses to let them consider any of them now that a fake relationship is on the table.)
Deciding what to do about The Trojan War is much harder. On the one hand, it's a lot of senseless death and destruction. On the other, without it we don't get The Iliad and The Odyssey - two of the most influential works of literature in western civilization - and Aeneas doesn't go off to Italy (leading to the founding of Rome, which would change the history of western civilization a lot). In the end, they decide to let the war happen but do their best to mitigate the worst parts of it.
And so Percy goes off and becomes a hero of Ancient Greece while pretending to be in a relationship with Apollo.
This stage of things is filed with angst from both parties, as both Percy and Apollo want a real relationship with each other but think they're abusing the other's trust by eagerly faking their relationship. There's a lot of PDA, a lot of feelings, and limited communication. It goes on for quite a while and would probably exasperate quite a few people if everyone in the know didn't think they were already in a relationship.
It's also filled with modern day Percy being confronted by realties of life in Ancient Greece. It's not just mortals knowing about - and interacting with - the gods: it's everything. It's food and clothes and language and culture and housing and travel. He can play a lot off it as being a traveler from the edge of the known world, but some of it has him asking Apollo if he's being rick rolled.
Apollo, meanwhile, is having troubles of his own. He is not the god he used to be and it's hard pretending otherwise. He tries to walk the line of doing enough to be believable and holding back enough not to despise himself, but it's a fine line, he fails often, and he spends a not insignificant amount of time worried he's backsliding.
And so it goes until 7-year-old Helen of Troy is kidnapped by Theseus to be his wife.
This, naturally, does not fly with Percy, who by this time has built up something of a reputation as a hero. He teams up with the Dioscuri to rescue Helen.
One would think this would earn him Zeus' favor. It doesn't. Instead, Zeus sends monsters to harry him for refusing to let Castor and Pollux take Helen's captors' loved ones captive and raze Aphidna for Theseus' crime. Percy manages to hold his own for quite a while but eventually, exhausted from the near-constant fighting, is gored and left for dead by the reformed Minotaur.
...and when Apollo arrives, frantic, to heal him, Percy ascends instead, becoming the greek version of Saint Sebastian - a minor god of heroes, strength in the face of adversity, and athleticism; sort of halfway between Hercules and Chiron.
Then and only then do Percy and Apollo finally get their act together, confessing to each other how much they care for the other and how much they don't want this to be fake any longer.
History proceeds apace - albeit with PersÄ being a second immortal trainer of heroes.
24 years after their arrival in the past, 16 years after Percy's ascension, The Trojan War begins. Despite their best efforts, there's only so much they can do - war is war and gods are gods. They are able to stop some of the worst excesses on both sides, but in the end Apollo still sends the plague that causes Agamemnon to take Briseis for his own, which caused Achilles' departure from the field, Patroclus' death, &c - not because Apollo was trying to maintain the timeline, but because in the instant he sent it he was angry and reverted to his old ways.
Troy falls...
...but when Zeus tries to use this as an excuse to ban gods from interacting with their demigod children, Apollo is able to say that's a bit extreme isn't it? with enough backing from the rest of the council that Zeus is forced to amend his ruling so that the gods are only allowed to freely visit their children on the "cross quarter days" that fall between each solstice and equinox (1 February, 1 May, 1 August, and 1 November).
This changes everything and nothing.
Time continues its inevitable march. Greece has its golden age before being conquered by Rome, which splits apart under its own weight and forms several smaller countries, which eventually spread their cultures around the world...
Apollo and Percy are there for it all. PersÄ is a minor figure in mythology, but never forgotten. He is ever-present in Apollo's temples - though the Church will later try to rewrite their myth so that they were merely sworn fighting partners, rather than lovers who eventually had a quite lovely wedding on Olympus (and then, at Poseidon's insistence, an even bigger ceremony on Atlantis). Percy takes over day-to-day operations of CHB from practically the moment the Trojan War ends.
...and so PersÄ is there the day Sally Jackson tries to get her son to camp, and is able to intervene when the Minotaur attacks on their border. He's able to meet her and her young son, Perseus ("Mom named me after you and the guy that killed Medusa since you're the only two heroes to have happy endings!"), and guide him through the trials that come with being a child of prophecy.
One day that Percy will hand Luke - who was never happy with the limited attention the gods were allowed to give their children - a cursed dagger so that Kronos can be defeated. That child will be offered godhood, turn it down, and go on to have a happy life with his eventual wife, Annabeth. He will never have his memories erased and be sent to Camp Jupiter. Gaia will not rise until long after that Percy's grandchildren are dead, and Zeus will not be quite so bullheaded when the proof of it is brought before him. That Second Gigantomachy is swift, well-coordinated, and fought without another Greek/Roman war brewing in the background.
And when they finally arrive at the day Apollo and Percy were originally sent back in time, Percy admits that while he is happy some version of him was better prepared for the war he was asked to fight in and allowed his peace afterward, he would change nothing about his own life, for it brought him to Apollo. The sunrise the next morning - on the first morning of the rest of their lives - is particularly spectacular.
Bonuses include:
Gaslighting Poseidon into believing that he's met Percy before the first time they're introduced. ("What do you mean you don't remember me, Father? You were present when I came of age! You gifted me this trident! Have I displeased you in some way?") It's an absolute masterclass that eventually manages to convince Poseidon that, yes, of course he knows Percy - and, maybe, he should check in on all his other demigod children to make sure he's not missed someone. (Two. He lost track of two of the others. Maybe he should be more careful about siring children in the future.) Apollo practically has to stuff his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing.
As much historical accuracy as can be crammed into the Percy trying to make sense of Ancient Greece chapters as possible. Think Of a Linear Circle - Part III by flamethrower levels of historical research. As much as can be shoehorned in without bogging down the plot.
Percy and Dionysus bonding over their mutual dislike of Theseus, though Percy generally gets along with his other half-siblings, especially the ones who come to camp young enough to keep from getting big heads over being the children of Poseidon.
Though Percy adores all the children in Cabin 7 (most of whom are born via blessing this time around), he and Apollo have at least one child of their own - maybe a demigod born before Percy's ascension to sell their fake relationship? Maybe a minor god who's later attributed a different parentage by mortals? Dealer's choice on details.
It never being made clear who, or what, or how, Percy and Apollo were sent into the past. All of Percy's oddities are attributed to him being foreign or formerly mortal, all of Apollo's to the fact that he's in love with someone who didn't die before their first anniversary, and no one ever guesses time travel is responsible for their eccentricities. Or that time travel was ever an option.
And that's all I have. As always, feel free to adopt, just link back if you ever decide to do anything with it.
Terrible Fic Idea #86: Percy Jackson, but make it Time Travel
I was minding my own business at work this morning when a terrible, awful, wonderful idea for a PJO time travel fix-it hit me out of the blue.
Or: What if a deified Percy was sent back to the start of canon?
aka the In Another Life fic
Just imagine it:
Percy wakes screaming, which is immediately disconcerting as he's not slept in nearly 100 years. He summons a storm practically out of reflex, still caught up in the horrors of everything he just left behind, and promptly passes out, his 12 year old body not used to the strain.
-because he is twelve again - mortal again, - in his bed at Yancy Academy again, a week out from the field trip that will change his life.
Not that Percy realizes this straight off, what with the panic and the passing out, though he does pick it up fairly quickly once he wakes up again in the school infirmary. This nearly sends him into another tailspin of panic - (he is small, he is weak, he is alone in his head, one hundred years in the past, and can barely feel any of his domains) - before Percy manages to get himself under control enough to come up with the basics of a plan: get somewhere safe so he can start figuring out what the Hades is going on.
Percy manages to sneak out of the infirmary while everyone else is at dinner, hails the Chariot of Damnation even though he's way out of their normal service area ("We'll put it on your tab, dearie," the seeresses say, "we know you're good for it."), and arrives at Camp Half-Blood just after midnight.
His entrance is much less spectacular than it was originally, but no less startling for all Mr D is the only one awake to see it, for the moment Percy crosses the ward lines the magic begins to recognize him as the future Camp Director - which in turn startles Dionysus just enough that he doesn't immediately smite Percy when he practically throws himself at the god and starts going on about how pleased he is to see him.
The truth comes out in fits and starts, with Percy's exhaustion (and Dionysus' gifts) being the only thing keeping him from another panic attack. His story boils down to this:
Percy has always been a powerful demigod, perhaps the most powerful child of his father ever to be born to a mortal. His actions from his first quest onward only pushed him closer to the brink of immortality. Divinity did not come until several months after the events of ToA, when a camper had jokingly raised a glass to Perseus Jackson, Trainer of Heroes, which was all that was needed to push him over that final precipice.
As Lord Perseus, he was from the onset more powerful than most minor gods, his domains being the eclectic mix of Heroes, Natural Disasters, and Misery - the first earning him the permanent position of Director of Camp Half-Blood and Patron of Camp Jupiter, the second keeping him quite busy in an era of climate change, and the last having been unwittingly stolen years before from Akhlys in Tartarus. It is this power that causes Zeus to become even more paranoid.
-which is saying something, as his paranoia had already skyrocketed to new and greater heights after Apollo returned improved from the events of ToA.
It grows worse over the better part of the next century, with the Titan War, Giant War, Triumvirate, and all that follows eventually disabusing the majority of the gods that Zeus will never be an effective ruler. Apollo leads a rebellion against his father - and would have succeeded, had not Zeus not managed to somehow push Apollo directly into Chaos as Apollo was preparing for his final blow, which has the unfortunate effect of the universe trying to unwrite one of the most important gods from the history of Western Civilization and undoes the fabric of reality in the process. Percy was watching it unravel before his eyes (desperately, desperately trying to weave it back together but it won't hold) when he suddenly found himself screaming 100 years in the past.
It is a fantastical story, but Dionysus has no choice to believe it.
("But why did you come to me? Why not your father?" Percy looks down, running a finger along the grain of of the wooden table, "We became friends in the future. Misery and alcohol, you know? One of the oldest pairings in the book." There's more, Dionysus can tell, but the boy is already flagging, unused to the weaknesses of his childish mortal body. It can wait.)
The events of canon proceed apace - or at least as much as they can when Percy shows up at camp almost two months early knowing more about the Greek and Roman pantheon than anyone who hasn't lived through it, with the attitude of a hero who's been through Tartarus and the power levels of a minor god burning him up from the inside. All while sneaking off in his spare time to 1) plot to stop the end of the world with Dionysus and 2) hang out with Dionysus, because he is one hundred twelve, thank you very much, and needs adult company every now and then, for all heās missed his long dead friends.
I actually have no idea how the events of the books themselves would play out - Percy has neither the patience or the ability to let everything play out exactly as before, but the major beats of PJO still take place, with Percy doing his best to undermine the arguments that drew so many to Kronos as he can while still mortal. (Advocating for cabins for minor gods and/or undetermined, or combined housing with temples. Gods being forced to claim their children when they arrive at camp, etc.)
Perhaps Kronos tries harder to sway Percy to his side once he sees how strong a demigod he is, showing his hand too soon and causing the Titan War to be an all out war from the start of TTC until the Battle of Manhattan? Percy is more than just a child solider - he is a seasoned teenage general, directing battles, saving many with is experience but still loosing too many; a one-man army who eventually ascends on his sixteenth birthday, Luke's misery as he kills himself being the last push Percy needs to reclaim his divinity and his domains.
Gaining his godhood early allows Percy to temper the events of HOO and TOA (the Giant War still happens, but a generation later with a different set of demigods, and allows Zeus to redeem himself somewhat by being an effective war leader; Apollo never becomes mortal but the Triumvirate is destroyed a generation after that), if not prevent them. Though a part of him will always long for his mortality, it was never in the cards. It was either godhood or an early death, and Percy would rather spend an eternity protecting demigods and giving them the training they need to protect themselves than the alternative.
And so that's what Percy Jackson does, because that's what he's always done: accept as much misery for himself to make the lives of those he loves as misery-free as possible.
Bonuses include:
No hint of Percy/Annabeth in the new timeline, with the pair in the original having broken up shortly before Percy's ascension, having realize their codependency was not healthy, nor was it actually romantic love. From 100 years on, Percy is critical of his first relationship, but still counts Annabeth as one of his best friends, even if they're not as close in this timeline.
Although never widely disseminated, several individuals come to learn of Percy's trip through time and the circumstances that lead to it. (Poseidon, Sally, Thalia). A few others suspect Percy has some level of prophetic gift to go along with his other powers. But for the most part no one has any idea Percy is anything other than a powerful demigod with some really bad luck; and
It eventually coming out that Percy and Dionysus had a thing in the future, with Percy over the course of 100 years coming to like, respect, and eventually love the God of Wine. Percy is absolutely convinced it was entirely one-sided, their thing only adding up to a few drunken fucks between friends (because that's what Dionysus does with his friends), but Dionysus after he learns of it not being so sure (because it's really not what he does with friends and hasn't been for millennia). Whatever the case, it is exceptionally awkward when it comes out, especially as Percy's only physically 14 at the time, and attempting to resolve this awkwardness is how Thalia ends up learning about the time travel.
Extra bonus points if Percy and Ariadne were decent friends in the original timeline, become decent friends again in the new one, and settle into a polyamorous relationship with Dionysus (after Percy is deified and comes of age) that has Hera spitting teeth for decades.
And that is far, far more than I'd ever thought I'd have, but I think this plot bun somehow merged with a thread of an idea for a Dionysus-positive fic that's been tickling at me for years now. As always, feel free to adopt, just link back if you do anything with it.
I think it would be very easy for a Post Perse fading! Apollo to justify working for Kronos.
An Apollo who has seen the love of his life, his wife basically, die and the gods move on. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, but there's over a thousand years between Perse fading and the Great Prophecy, so they change nevertheless. They forget their children, used to someone else taking care of them, and when they remember its to send them out on a quest. Children leave camp younger and younger, and don't come back. Even Chiron, his old foster son, grows complacent, too comfortable sending babes to their deaths.
Apollo tries to keep his head down and be the best father to his children as he can. To some, he was their only parent; his children tended to pop up when a mortal reminded him of Perse in a particular way, often without sex (he was a widow, not chaste), and sometimes that resulted in them abandoning his child. Perse never would have abandoned a child though. She would have loved them. Michael. Kayla. Austin. Lee. Will. So many before. So many after.
But his children keep dying. Everyone's children keep dying, and no one cares, like Perse meant nothing to them and Apollo.
I never really understood how Ares was the one to catch Luke with the Master Bolt instead of, you know, the literal hunting gods.
And Apollo doesn't really want to help Kronos out, but like... he's going to need some sort of fire power and/or distraction so he can chop Zeus into little bits. Gramps can have the throne for all he cares, just leave Apollo alone with his kids and they'll be fine.
And Apollo would be such a good twist villain in one of these fics and you know what? Perse would think it was hot. He was doing evil to make a better life for his kids, that is DILF behavior and I won't stand for anything otherwise.
Idk but I kinda it funny if somehow zeus and poseidon had like a fight,,, not fight fight, but an argument fight that leads to storms and earthquakes... And percy mid fight just gets time travelled by accident with something,,, š and now zeus + poseidon somehow had a kid š§ and genuinely you'd think he'd be like the unholy mix of zeus and poseidon that,,, from what all the gods know should be the worst fucking thing to ever exist... And now Percy's just like standing š§ in between them,,, their argument has stopped to stare at him. A newly ascended god.
And it's literally in a council so everybody from the 12 + hestia somewhere just see z+p spawn a new god.
And the thing is he's like the most reasonable fucking person ever in ancient greece (especially the gods) because obvi modern sensibilities...
Apollo is smitten because genuinely who would be into Percy like that,,,
But at first it was lust,,, saw this nymph like hottie and he needed that,,, then spent time with percy and??? He's so sassy? Sweet? Kind? Loving? A great warrior? Protective of his children??? (He protects demigods and mortals in general, especially those really kind to him but he's in delulu land rn) He'd be an amazing wife,,, oh look his children love him,,, kids love him!!! As a protector of youth how could he not be attracted to that?! Oh his kids are calling him mother now??? Oh perfect!!!
So he's gonna be on the deep end guys
Like I need dramaaaa,,, APOLLO WANTS HIS NEW HALF-BROTHER??? Poseidon and Zeus fucked??? s4s (slut for slut) era??? Hades got left alone in the brother bonding?!?! (He was happy for that actually)
Hera to Zeus: I knew you had low standards but literally fucking our brother????
Zeus:š§*standing because he did not fuck Poseidon,,, He genuinely doesn't fucking know how he made a kid with him mid argument, and just saw the kid spawn there*
And the whole of Olympus is just set a blaze with rumors about z+p fucking and how they somehow created a child,,, and how it got alllll the bad aspects of both fathers...
Then they see him and they're just like...
He was a product of those two??? He's a fucking saint,,, he's sweet and polite?!?!??
He's not ugly??? He's fucking beautiful and literally how did they make him by accident??? It's like he was made with auch painstaking care and precision????
He's not a slut like his fathers?????
Well, he is a menace,,, but compared to his fathers and how they act he's genuinely a fucking saint???
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Will: Hey Percy come here! Gracie made something in arts & crafts today that she'd like to gift you!
Percy: Awww Gracie! You didn't have to!
Gracie: I want you to have this Percy! *hands over a folded up shirt*
Percy: *unfolding the shirt to see the design Gracie made* Thank you SO much sweetie! I'm sure I'll l- *stares at the Blue tshirt with the words 'Dad That Stepped Up' written on it*
*Rest of Apollo Cabin silently laughing behind Gracie's back*
Percy: Thank you so much for this baby. I'm going to make you cookies in return! Why don't you go to the kitchen 1st and start taking out the ingredients? I'll catch up.
Your wife changes her hair color every season and her personality adjusts slightly. Youāre secretly only in love with Autumn wife. She just came home sporting her Winter color.
itās my fault. itās just that when we met it was autumn; her red-orange hair and crackling laughter. thereās a little spooky in her, a lot of play. and what a better time for falling?
i didnāt realize it for the first few years - something shifting, something so subtle. the winter makes us all cold, the summer makes us all a little out of our minds. i just loved her, because she was incredible, and i was the luckiest person alive.
itās just that i realized that spring came with sudden bursts of cold. itās just that summer frequently raged in with fire sprouting from her lips. itās just that winter was the worst of all, her eyes dead. itās just that autumn loves me different; throws herself into it without the clingy sweat of summer. i used to love that summer girl, you know? i loved how wild she was, the way in summer she took every risk she could. but i carried her home drunk one too many times, cleaned up one too many of the messes she made for no reason than to enjoy the sensation of burning. and winter was worse; the shutdown, the isolation. how she became distant, a blizzard, caught up in her own head, unable to tell me what was wrong and unable to think i actually wanted to listen.
she comes home, her hair bleached white. a dark smile on her lips. the shadowy parts of her are back. they loom like icicles overhead. she kisses me with her body held at a distance, a peck on my cheek that feels like an iceberg. she makes polite conversation and we go to bed early, our bodies untouching.Ā
it is a lonely season, i think on the ninth day of this. winter is cold. winter is known for the death of things. when i look at her, i see the girl i fell for, inhabited by an alien. she was the first women i loved so much i felt it would kill me. i canāt leave. when i wake her up with my crying, she tells me to shush and go back to sleep. sheās different like this, quiet, doesnāt eat.Ā
three days later i stare at myself in the mirror. i wonder if itās me. if the fat on my body or something in my face or the wrinkles and she doesnāt love me. i try prettier lingerie, lean cuisine, i try different hair, more makeup, try harder. it doesnāt work. she looks at me the same; that empty gaze that neither loves nor condemns my actions.Ā
somewhere in februrary i lose it. weāre fighting again, from car to restaurant to car to home again. we fight about stupid things, small things; i tell her i feel she doesnāt love me, she says iām not listening. the circle goes around and around, old pain peeling back, new pain unhealing. i sleep on the couch.
i wake up when i hear her crying, white hair around her all messed up. the kind of sobbing that only comes at two in the morning, heavy and thick and hurting. my winter girl. my heart is breaking. she looks up at me like iām her anchor.Ā āiām sorry iām like this,ā she says. and i start saying, itās okay iām here weāre married, but she just shakes her head and says,Ā āI know this isnāt the real me.ā
i hold her cold hand. she stares at the blankets.Ā āi am different in winter,ā she whispers,Ā āi know i am and iām sorry.ā she looks at me.Ā āwhy do you think i dye my hair? cut it off? get rid of the old me?ā
i tell her itās okay. weāre together and itās okay, and then she whispers,Ā āiām sorry you married four of me.ā
we lay there like that, her head on my chest. she falls asleep. i stare at the ceiling, thinking of the way she sounded when she was crying. how i helped put her in that pain. how i promised in sickness and in health and everything in between.
the next day i spend at the library. there arenāt enough books on how to love someone with seasonal affective disorder so i make my own, notes and pages and little ideas on post-its. and i take a deep breath and make myself a promise.
she comes home to her favorite dinner and we kiss and sheās uneasy but thatās okay. the next day i bring home flowers and the next day she finds little love notes in her pockets. i love her quiet, the way winter demands, understand her sex drive is faltering; spend more time just cuddling. we drink wine and we kiss and some part of her starts relaxing.Ā
the truth is there is no loving someone out of their mental illness. the truth is that you can love someone in despite of it; love them loud enough to give them an excuse to believe they can make their way out of it.
and i learn. i remember the rebirth of spring, when she starts thawing. we kiss and have picnics in pretty dresses. i remember her joy at little birds and her rain dancing. i fall in love with the flowers in her cheeks and the little bursts of cleaning. i fall in love with summerās slow walks and milkshakes and shouting to music playing too loud on the speakers. i fall in love with her dancing, with the sunfire energy. and when winter comes; i am ready. i remember that snow used to look pretty. i fall in love with the hearth of her, with the holiday, with the slow smile that spreads across her face so shyly. i fall in love with how she looks in boots and mittens and every day i find another reason to love her the way she deserves - they way i always should have.
she comes home with her white hair and dark smile and a package in her hands. i ask to see what it is and that small shy grin comes creeping out. itās a sunlamp packed in with medication. she looks at me with those wide eyes and that beautiful winter blush.Ā āiām trying to get better,ā she whispers,Ā āi promise.ā
recovery doesnāt look immediate. sometimes it isnāt neat. i canāt say we never fight or that weāre suddenly complete. but each day, that tiny girlās strength gives me another reason. i love her. i love her while she tames the roller coaster of spring; i love her for reigning in the summer storms; i love her for taking her winter and trying to be warm. it is hard, because everything worth it is hard. she spreads out her autumn leaves; mixes the best parts of her into everything. learns to take winterās silence for a moment before yelling in summer. learns to take autumnās spice and give it to spring. we are both learning.
one day she comes home and her hair is different, but itās a style i donāt know. i kiss it and tell her that sheās beautiful and the inside of me swells like a flood. iām so glad that sheās mine. every part of her. the whole. i am the luckiest person on earth. and i always have been. but sheās hugging me and saying,Ā āthank you for helping me,ā and i canāt explain why iām crying.
this is what love is; not always an emotion but rather your actions. the choices we make when we realize our lives would be empty if the other was absent. this is what love is: letting them grow, helping them find their way in out of the cold. this is what love is: sometimes it takes work to see how the thing you planted together actually grows.
this is what love looks like in an autumn girl: it is winter and she glows.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Fallen too deep into the Humans Are Weird posts (part 2, this time with a cute rock) and come out with the "humans and their ability to throw shit" concept.
Its one of the things that set us apart as a race, when we throw things, we can be damn accurate. I imagine this comes up in conversation a while in when Grace mentions the concept of darts. (I bet there was a dartboard in the communal area in the Vat)
Rocky does not immediately get it, why would humans invent sport from throwing things question? What is point question? So Grace grabs a marker and sketches a small target on the wall, then goes and stands at the other end of the room to throw various items. In three tries he hits it dead on, he's pretty pleased with himself. Not too bad, considering Ilyukhina used to beat his ass every time they played.
Rocky however, is somewhere between deeply unsettled and slightly horrified. What the fuck, question.
I love the idea of Grace having to explain the concept of persistence predators to Rocky.
(The funny part is at the end you can skip my science)
Eridians are canonically the apex species of their planet.
I assume they hunt by hiding (they look like rocks hello???) spotting their prey and attacking quickly with a lot of force, making them ambush predators because I do not think they could pursue prey due to their weight.
They are heavy, Rocky alone weighs 170kg in 1G, so due to Rocky's proportions I can safely assume one arm would weigh around 10-15 kilograms.
(Convert to freedom units on your own, tis bitch European I cannot even pronounce the word "lbs" the fuck is that)
On Erid, that weight would be double (in Earth units) due to the 2Gs on the planet, making Eridians even heavier and their arms the perfect blunt force weapons
(for instance Rocky would weigh 340kg and one arm would be roughly 20-30kg in Earth units)
So I can guess there are no persistence predators on Erid because they're too heavy to move that fast. (I assume similarly sized Eridians are all half the speed of Rocky when they were on Hail Mary who moves faster up there due to lighter gravity)
Therefore:
Rocky: How human hunt food, question? Hit prey fast, question? Bite prey in squishy area, question?
Grace: We don't really hunt prey anymore due to the agricultural revolution and farming but I guess before that we were persistence predators
Rocky: What word mean, question?
Grace: A persistence predator is an animal that follows it prey for long amounts of time to tire it out before killing
Rocky: How do that, question? Prey faster, exclamation! How attack out in open when prey fast fast fast, question?
Grace: We are biologically designed to be able to pursue prey for long amounts of time by running after the prey at a slightly slower pace untill it colapses because most prey animals aren't biologically engineered for long fleeing and easily overheat
Rocky: Human can just follow, question? Long long long time follow? Weird, exclamation! Weird weird weird, exclamation!
Rocky then proceeds to witness Grace running for long periods of time in the biodome. He's abso-fucking-lutely terrified.
Adrian wants Grace to hunt with them.
They're extremely feral, remember that this man has regular crash outs, he for sure channels that into hunting.
Adrien works out how to get it to work so that Grace can be out of the dome and help them hunt. Rocky is against this at first until Adrien wears them down with how it would be excellent enrichment and exercise for Grace.
Look how much they enjoy jogging around their environment in the dome. It would be wonderful bonding experience for them to do as a cluster. You know Grace always wants to learn more about Eridian culture and this is something he can take part in.
A special suit is made so that Grace can run in it and be safe outside the dome for extended periods of time and not overheat. He gets a bunch of little bells and chimes put on him before donning the suit so them it is easy for others to distinguish Grace while hunting. It is not unlike how hunting dogs wear high visibility vests.
Grace basically does a combination of what a herding dog or a spaniel does on Earth. He jogs out ahead of the group to quarter and search a field to flush prey out. Then if needed he herds the prey towards where the others are laying in wait.
Eridians are canonically the apex predators of their planet.
(all the rest is headcanon territory)
They still actively hunt prey because the population of Eridians isn't big enough to warrant jeeping livestock and they find keeping prey in captivity for later slaughter cruel either way.
The idea of the biodome is not recieved with joy.
The concept of keeping a predator in an enclosure for the rest of its life is terrifying and cruel in their minds.
It takes many, many planet-wide thrums for the Eridians to accept that the alien is content with its life in a biodome.
(they let out high, fast, panicked notes once the Eridian team fully echolocates the Hail Mary and shares the mapped out shape through a thrum)
They still are not happy, but they come to an agreement.
The alien saviour's home will be in the biodome but it will be allowed free reign over where it goes outside and will be gifted a proper xenonite suit to make exploration possible.
Adrian wants to hunt prey with Grace btw. They're a little feral.
Especially once they learn that humans are persistence predators. (see my humans as persistence predators and Eridians as ambush predators post for more ferality and terror)
Rocky is understandably terrified that their mate and their platonic soulmate are so feral together
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming