"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

God the 11 year old girls you put on this earth to climb trees and play with plastic animals are buying foundation at the drug store

for a second i thought you meant foundation like, a building foundation. not makeup

God the 11 year old girls you put on this earth are building something great and terrible on the edge of town

i have this awesome skincare routine called picking at my face till it bleeds. its great because it makes my skin way worse in every way and also it hurts

those three dilfs from mamma mia are so lucky they're in a romantic comedy and are only faced with undetermined paternity hijinks when they accept a mysterious out-of-the-blue invitation to an island and don't end up in some scary horror movie plot like the menu or the most dangerous game or scooby-doo 2002

i invite a party of my mother's ex lovers to my beautiful island wedding and the sole survivor of The Hunt gets to be my father

usamericans, do you remember in the incredibles when syndrome made the robot go haywire just so he could swoop in and 'save the day'

yeah, it was after the part where Bob nearly kills his boss at the insurance company for denying claims

verdict: innocent

sorry for being weird and evasive. i was raised to believe that having wants and needs was a moral failing

I've never wanted to have sex with an airplane but I think it's cool how some people want to have sex with airplanes. I think the world is a richer and more colorful place for it.

bro your whimsy. you forgot your fucking whimsy. your solemn and somber attitude is scaring the hoes

Artists who know how to draw armors or very detailed clothing are powerful

See it’s stuff like this that makes me believe that selling your soul to the devil in exchange for talent was a real career track in the 1700s.

i deserve to be called baby bc im baby, thank u for coming to my ted talk