M*A*S*H is gay and so am I

is from this scene

Dear Future Bunkie,

Do not let Hawkeye know this list exists.

Hawkeye is a 175-lb fruitcake with a heart larger than his body and he would do anything for somone he loves if you let him. You can't let him.

Hawkeye only hates a few things but he's really serious about all of them: war, death, generals, the army, the draft, and Frank Burns. Do not let any of them get to him. Please.

Hawkeye falls in love real easy. At last count, Hawkeye loves me, loves our late CO Henry Blake (not to be confused with our current CO Frank Burns, see rule 3), loves our company clerk, loves our head nurse Major Houlihan, loves Max Klinger (have you met Klinger yet, bunkie? He's the orderly who dresses like a general's wife and has a voice like a general's horse, but he'd give you the shirt off his back - if he had one, he's usually in a dress), he loves nurses Able, Baker, Bayliss, Bigelow, Cutler, Charlie, and that's just the ABC, he loves our company chaplain, and he loves me, and by this time, if you've been nice to him for about five minutes, he probably loves you. Take this seriously. Hawkeye does.

Hawkeye loves easy, Hawkeye loves hard, Hawkeye loves a lot, and he'll do anything for someone he loves, lay himself down and let you walk on him, he's real easy to hurt. See rule 2. So get ready to be the guy Hawkeye needs when someone he loves has hurt him. Because they will.

Hawkeye thinks he's indispensable. He'll go on operating when he can't hardly stand up. One basic fix-it for this is gin, lots of it. We have a still. The other is chloral hydrate. Use it or lose him, and we can't afford to lose him.

Hawkeye really is indispensable. We can't do without him in OR. You should already know that if you had to do a OR session before you even got to go to bed. Still, you can't let him operate after 24 hours with no sleep.

Well, not more than twice a week.

Maybe three times. But don't forget that chloral hydrate is your weapon of last resort.

Hawkeye will forget to eat. Drag him to the mess tent anyway. Make him sit down with a tray of food in front of him.

If he starts talking about some other food he'd actually like to eat, get it for him. Pretend he's your pregnant wife and has a craving.

Hawkeye makes jokes about getting pregnant a lot. Do not encourage him.

Not unless you want him to start knitting booties.

USE A CONDOM WHEN YOU FUCK HIM BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

You don't actually have to fuck him. But it really, really helps. Best wishes, and look me up in Boston once you get back to the states. We'll have a lot in common by then.