O C E A N

I'm not sure if this is a common trans experience, but ever since I started transitioning, I've noticed that some people I used to genuinely enjoy being around have started to get on my nerves.

It's not because of my name or pronouns. Sure, people mess them up occasionally, but most of my friends correct themselves and apologize. It's not really about transphobia or anything like that.

It's more that I just don't seem to enjoy their company anymore.

For context, I've noticed this most with some of my old gaming friends lately (who are almost all men). It's difficult to explain exactly what's changed. Part of it might be that a lot of them have a very macho, "one of the boys" kind of attitude, but it feels deeper than that.

As a trans woman who's also pretty openly gay, I've started wondering whether, before transitioning, I spent a lot of time convincing myself that I fit into those spaces because I felt like I was supposed to. Back then I was trying so hard to perform masculinity and blend in with male friend groups that I never really stopped to ask whether I actually enjoyed those dynamics or if I was just trying to belong.

Now that I'm living as myself, some of those friendships feel... different. Conversations that used to seem normal feel exhausting. Certain jokes don't land the same way they used to. Sometimes I'll see a message pop up from a group chat and feel more obligated to join than excited to be there.

There are even days where I feel annoyed at the thought of hanging out, which makes me feel guilty because these are people I've known for years.

Part of me wonders if transition has simply made me more honest with myself. Maybe I'm no longer forcing myself to enjoy spaces and social dynamics that never really fit me in the first place. Maybe I've changed, maybe the friendships have changed, or maybe I'm finally seeing them through the eyes of the woman I've always been rather than the person I thought I had to be.

Has anyone else experienced something similar after transitioning? Did your social circle change? Did you find yourself drifting away from old friendships, especially male friend groups, or realizing that some relationships were built around a version of yourself that wasn't really you?

A Glasgow building during demolition (1972), showing soot trails to chimneys.

[YOU ARE DEAD]