How to Recognize Compulsory Heterosexuality
Compulsory heterosexuality, also known as coercive heteronormativity* is something that affects all lesbians, everywhere in the world. It also applies to women of other sexualities, and has been observed to occur in men as well (although argued to be to a lesser extent than women). However, it is mostly commonly attributed to lesbians.
*I believe since the creator of the former term was a political lesbian, people have created other terms, but they all refer to the same phenomenon.
What is compulsory heterosexuality?
Also known as “comp het”, compulsory heterosexuality refers to a kind of heteronormativity that affects people on an individual level. Since people are assumed straight until proven otherwise, and society, media, and family life are all incredibly heteronormative, we grow up thinking that we are supposed to be straight as well. For women, comp het also includes the pressure to involve men in every aspect of our lives, including (especially) romantic, as pushed on us by the patriarchy. An example of the effects of comp het is not knowing that liking the same sex was even a possibility, so assuming that you must be straight.
How do you recognize comp het as a lesbian?
This is something I personally have struggled with immensely, and these examples come from both my personal experience and from what other people have told me about their experiences. Of course, not everyone experiences all of these, and there may be other signs of comp het not listed here as well.
Being in relationships with men for validation, attention, popularity, etc, and not because you actually like the men you date
Analyzing every guy you meet to see if you should crush on him (if you choose to have a crush, it’s not real attraction)
Alternatively, randomly selecting a guy to crush on, just to have a crush and fit in with all the other girls
Why you crush on certain men is because of logical reasons and not because of any feelings attached (eg. This guy is responsible and performs well in school, so your parents would approve if you date him)
Thinking that you must be romantically attracted to any conventionally attractive guy you meet, even if you’ve never spoken to him
Thinking you must be attracted to any of your male friends, because girls “obviously” can’t have guy friends without having a crush on them
All your fantasies about men revolve around the future, in order to satisfy a desire of having a “perfect” nuclear family (a house in the suburbs, two kids, husband always at work so you can never see him and be intimate with him)
The thought of doing anything sexual with a man grosses you out
Any sexual fantasies about a man involve a faceless figure that doesn’t feel like a real person
Not being able to relate when your straight female friends talk about guys they like
Only wanting a boyfriend so he can provide you emotional support
Wanting a boyfriend so you won’t be lonely
Wanting a boyfriend to get approval from friends, family, society
Believing those reports that claim every woman finds other women attractive so you can rest safely in the knowledge that even though you find girls hot, you’re still “straight”
Having female friends in childhood or adolescence you were “very close to”, to the extent that you spent all your time thinking about them or followed them around school
Focusing on the woman in sex scenes
All your male crushes were fictional men or unattainable celebrities, so you could be safe in the fact that you’d never have to actually date them
Thinking that a guy being nice to you means you should date him
Thinking guys are cute from afar, but when you get closer to them, you find so many parts of them to be unattractive (eg. hands, hair, body odour, etc)
Liking guys until they reciprocate interest, after which you try to avoid them as much as possible
Knowing that you’re a lesbian from an early age, but try to force yourself to like men because liking girls must “just be a phase” or you’re “just confused”
Testing whether or not you’re attracted to men by trying to like randomly chosen guys to see if it could be possible
Knowing that you only like girls now, but convincing yourself you might like guys in the future, as long as you “meet the right guy”
Assuming you have to like men because that’s what girls are supposed to do
Believing the societal myth that women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, and that’s why you dislike having sex with men
Misinterpretating anxiety as being romantic butterflies
Convincing yourself that you like men because being a lesbian seems too hard to deal with
Thinking attraction is supposed to feel nauseating and uncomfortable
Having “crushes” on certain men because you admire something they’re able to do (eg. “I must like this guy because I really like how well he plays the guitar”)
Not having feelings for men but being able to tolerate being with men
If anyone has anything to add, feel free to do so in the reblogs, because this is just a small fraction of what compulsory heterosexuality can do to lesbians. Lesbians should not have to “put up” with being with men; we shouldn’t have to “tolerate” relationships with men. Lesbian sexuality is active, not passive, and if you’re not actively desiring men, you’re not attracted to men.
