in the zone

I had some vacation lately and it feels a bit better. Though returning to my job is still like a burden. Everything I need to do feels so hard like a burden to overcome and even if I am sleeping long and I‘d say also quite good I am endlessly tired. And worries. Always worried that someone doesn’t like me or does not believe in me. But I need to believe in me. No one else can judge me.

Came just back home from 1 week at my parents. Empty flat. Dark and cold. On the table in the living room a Polaroid. My Ex left it there. It’s us, 6 years ago capturing the moment after our engagement. He wrote under it: we could be heroes. My heart is cracking to the melody in my head.

I am waking up every morning with bad anxiety. Anxiety I can not classify. I have panic thinking about my job, thinking about life and how I am now playing a role in all this. Anxiety of going back after vacation and getting screamed (which never happened but still) and of making mistakes. Of not getting it all together. My confidence is so broken. I don’t believe in myself anymore.

The anxiety in my is bursting my brain. I am caught between crying sequences out of nothing the full day and anxiety attacks that crack my heart even wider. I try to let it pass and breath it away. The thoughts on my job and that I don’t have the control during my absence make me mad. As if my boss will discover what a crap my work is and that I am useless and didn’t deserve the promotion.

Today I reached my personal low. My extra bf packed his stuff and moved out after 10 years. He takes the dog. I am overworked and exhausted, haunted by anxiety and self doubt and the feeling of not being good enough. I really want this to be over. I don’t know what’s happening with me.

I am very weak. Emotionally and physically. Every single thing is making me cry or insecure. My ex boyfriend is moving out these weeks after 10 years and I fear the future. It’s too much at the moment.

I am so afraid of Mondays. It’s the craziest work day. And I am so afraid of failing. Anxiety is pushing so hard even if I know all are cooking with water.

I am so empty at the moment. The job, the situation with the separation with my BF after 10 years and dividing all the furniture and him moving out. Not knowing if I can keep my job and if so if I want it. I just want to d1sapp3ar. I can’t stand th1s anymore I don’t know which step to take next. Thinking on talking to my boss and telling him. But no. I don’t have anyone.

I am experiencing lately big waves of anxiety. Losing my job, not being good enough and not being loved. I watched a video of a German actor talking about being good to be loved. This is exactly how I am. But the truth is that it is exactly like this. If I am not the best and perfect than no one will look at me and love me.

I can not see the future atm. It frightens me to not know what is coming next and feeling so helpless with this. I know that the power is in me, focusing on my own assets. But somehow this doesn’t work now.

Is anyone out there? Feeling so lonely these days.

I can’t stop my tears while thinking of the life I could have lived. I am so lonely.

This heat is completely killing me. Also period starting is draining, I don’t have any energy left. I need to get rid of this shit asap. Was so good to be free.