If you accidentally find out someone is queer, what do you do?
You didn’t mean to snoop but you overheard a conversation that wasn’t meant for your ears, or they forgot to close a tab on a shared device, or a third person told you behind their back - no matter how it happened, you now know something they didn’t tell you. How do you act in this situation?
This question was asked to me recently, and I think it both has a clear simple answer and a lot of nuance.
If we break it down to its bare bones, the situation is really just „I know someone’s secret, what do I do“ - and the answer to that is a clear „Nothing“. You do nothing with secret information that you obtained by accident. It was never yours in the first place! You are definitely not entitled to share it with anyone else (that part is hopefully obvious) and I’d also argue you don’t tell the person.
The reason for that is simple: They didn’t tell you that information themselves - so there’s no indication that they currently wish to talk to you about this. It’s safest to assume they don’t want you to know. That doesn’t necessarily translate to „they don’t trust you“ or anything like that. They may need more time. They may not feel ready to tell anyone yet. They may want to explore their feelings without other input for now. They might just not want to talk about it. Take no personal offense, but assume that it’s not up for conversation as of now.
If you had a painful time in the closet yourself, it’s natural that you might feel a desire to „save“ others. But it’s generally best to not make any unfounded assumptions on why someone is in the closet. Real people aren’t fictional characters, we shouldn’t assign them dramatic backstories. Do not automatically assume they are struggling with self-acceptance or need to be „rescued“ in any way. There’s a big difference between „They are depressed and lonely and don’t have anyone to help them“ and „They just prefer to not share this with me“ - do not conclude the former from the latter.
That’s the clear answer - and here’s the nuance:
Safety comes first. The way you found out matters here. If (for example) you found out because a third person has forwarded you a private coming out message or shared intimate pictures they sent them, then disregard everything I said above. Do assume that this is a potential safety risk for them and tell them (in a gentle and private conversation). Outing someone behind their back can be dangerous, they deserve to be made aware that this is happening.
On the complete opposite end of „the way you found out matters“: if your friend never told you she’s a lesbian but puts up a small lesbian pride flag pin on her backpack, you do not need to pretend you don’t see it. Still do not automatically assume anything (she could just be an ally!) but consider that some people never come out in words. It’s okay to go „Cool pin!“ and leave it up to her if she wants to take the chance to say something.
Same goes if your coworker never said „I am gay“ but puts up a wedding picture of him and another man on his desk. Some relationships (especially more superficial ones, like coworkers) do not require a coming out in the sense of sitting you down and going „I need to tell you something“. Obviously still don’t go around introducing him as your gay coworker to every customer now (that’d be inappropriate and overstepping) but it’d be silly to treat it as a deep dark secret here. You can safely assume that it’d be fine to say „What a beautiful picture“ in a small-talky way.
What if it’s not quite as obvious as a pride flag or wedding picture but you feel like someone keeps dropping hints to gauge your reaction? You feel like they left that tab open on purpose to see if you’d say anything, you feel like maybe they wanted you to overhear that private phone call because they don’t know how else to tell you… that can be a tricky situation because firstly, you could still be wrong and secondly, it’s easy to overshoot your reaction. You’ll want to assure them you’re a safe person without scaring them off. Suddenly going on and on about how being gay is okay may have the opposite effect you want. Do not forcibly steer the conversation towards homosexuality if it doesn’t go there naturally, do not go „Is there anything you want to tell me?“ as that may put them on the spot. The safest approach is usually light and gentle: consider what would’ve made you feel safer back when you were in the closet. It can be something as simple as putting your own pride flag pin on your backpack or casually mentioning you’ll go to Pride this year!
In any situation, the key is that you can’t „unlock“ a coming out. You don’t go investigate and you don’t pry that door open for them specifically - all you can do is gently signal that you’re a supportive, trustworthy person, so if anyone did want to come out, they wouldn’t have to do emotional acrobatics to figure out whether you’re safe first.
