An Eventful Life

Ever since the miscarriage things have been really hard... as i'm sure anyone who has experienced a miscarriage can understand.  

I just needed to write down some things I am thankful for...

I'm thankful for my fiance. No matter how impossibly hard it has been to get through this together, we HAVE gotten through this TOGETHER. It's so hard because we are so similar yet different in the same ways. I get so engulfed in my pain that I forget to be there for others, and he isolates himself. It's hard for us to remember how emotional we both are at this time, and just take a minute to breath.

Fights get so intense threats of ending things come about... No, maybe that's not the state we should be in while getting ready to be wed, but we are going through a tragedy... So, i feel it is understandable to be so weak. I think in the end if we can get through this in one piece then that proves how strong we really are. Friends say, "If you two can get through this you can get through anything." Which I 100% agree with. So, while we are not in the best place we've ever been in I am grateful that I can say we are still a WE. 

I'm thankful for my friends. I went through placing my daughter 2 and a 1/2 years ago, and I did not have anyone other than my parents to comfort me. The man I was with left me for someone else, and I felt like I lost everything most important in my life at once. Currently I have a very similar feeling... with how difficult things have been with my fiance plus miscarrying I feel really helpless. I am grateful to say this time I have people who truly care for me, and are there for me. I don't think i'd be in even the state I am in now without the support of such beautiful, loving people. 

I'm thankful for my family. I don't think I will ever truly be able to express how grateful I am for my parents. They are THE most incredible people in the world. They have been through so much with me.. I just don't know who I would be today without them. I am not only grateful for my immediate family, but also for my soon to be family-in-law. They have been so good to me. Accepting me into their family without even meeting, and always making sure I have a shoulder to cry on. 

I am thankful for my health. All of my life I have dealt with multiple health problems from gastric cancer to cardiac arrhythmia along with my mental disorders: mild bipolar, clinical depression, ADD, and anxiety. So at this point I am so grateful to still be up and running physically and mentally. 

I am thankful for my daughter. To have at least one healthy baby when many women don't even get to experience having one... I am so grateful for that magical experience. I will forever have that happiness with me for the rest of my life. Nothing can take that away.

To anyone going through this kind of pain please remember to be thankful for the things you can be thankful for. It has certainly helped me.

Love,

If you do read this I’d like you to read all of it. This is mostly for the people that have seen that I have been in and out of the hospital since July 7th.

On saturday the 6th right before I went to bed I spotted. Note to any girl that is pregnant, when you are in your first trimester it is completely normal!

In my case, it went away as soon it started and I didn’t think much more of it until I woke up the following morning in blood. I was taken to the emergency room. I wasn’t experiencing any cramps, and the blood was more than spotting but barely anything really. They took tests and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed us that the baby who was supposed to be 11 weeks at this point had stopped developing at 6. One of the tests was to see my pregnancy hormone level which was in the 4, 000s. The doctor told us to come back in 2 days. If that number went up then it’d mean that everything was ok with the baby and there was just some sort of delay. 

Two days later (July 9th) we went in for more bloodwork, but at this point I was cramping. The pain was minimal but I have a high pain tolerance so it’s hard to say. Also, the blood was heavier. They took the tests again, and later a doctor came to give us the news that my pregnancy hormone levels had dropped by 1, 000 in two days. He said that a miscarriage was soon to come, but that they’d prefer it happen naturally instead of them putting me through a procedure then. 

Two days passed and I was at my parents house. At this point the cramps had become more painful. I wanted to make sure that they didn’t hurt enough that I couldn’t drive myself home so I left. On the way home it became pretty unbarable… I finally got home, and went to the bathroom. I will spare you the details and basically just tell you it was time for the miscarriage to pass. Yes, there is supposed to be a lot of blood, but the amount I was passing caused me to faint. The miscarriage wasn’t going to happen naturally. My mom found me and brought me to the ER once again. When you cannot compelte a miscarriage naturally you have to undergo a procedure called a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). They give you medicine so you dilate to the point where they can go in and remove what you could not pass. I went through the surgery without ant complications, and am now healing well.

I chose to write this not only to inform people, but also because as you already know this is a tragedy that noone expected. Especially after having a completely beautiful, healthy baby in my first pregnancy. Statistically the odds of womanhood got to me, but what gets the father and I through it is knowing that it just wasn’t meant to be. As much as pain as this brings us, our family, and friends there is just nothing that could of been done to prevent it or save the baby. All we can do is hope for healthy babies in the future. 

I understand people’s initial way of comforting is to say sorry. Please save your sorrys and know that we know your sorry. There is no reason to be since there is nothing anyone could of done. We need true friends and our families to comfort us and be by our sides while we heal. So I can’t help but thank my parents who have been there for me through all the late hours in the hospital, through all the scares and pain; my best friend Abby for making sure I always had someone to cry to; Shelby and Sam for doing what mommies do best, comforting; and ofcourse the father for being there for me as much as he could from across the world. Thank you to all of those who have already shared their condolences, and thank you to those who will.

Good morning everyone,

Just needed to jot down my thoughts on this one...

I was reading on parents.com and found an article that talked about if you could afford to be a stay at home mom. When my fiance and I initially made the decision for me to stay home it was a concrete yes that we could afford everything. But in this article it talked about things that I honestly didn't think about. Saving for your child to go to college was the one thing that stuck in my head the most..

So, the question on my mind is: Is it necessary for us to start saving for big things like that now, or is it best to just make sure that you start out as a financially stable couple? Of course I'm sure the reply is to do both... I have to say I am excellent at budgeting, but I budget for our life as is.. normal expenses, savings for just in case emergencies, plus all the money we can expect to spend on baby. I never thought about how much i'll be spending annually on gifts for people, if we'd ever want to take a vacation how much we'd have to save for that, and then college... It's hard for me to really figure out how I would calculate these things into our budget. 

So, I feel like maybe it'd be okay to focus on those kind of things when the baby is a couple years old and we have a good idea of how our married expenses with baby are and all that jazz.... 

I just wonder if this is something I should really be stressing about, or if I need to relax and figure it out in time. 

Love,

Happy birthday to me! 

This week hasn't been the easiest for me... I had to say goodbye to the love of my life. Luckily he will be able to come home for the birth of our beautiful baby, so I only have to wait around 6 months until he's back in my arms for 2 weeks. But I'm trying to stay optimistic and remember that every day that we are apart is a day closer to our family being together. 

Speaking of baby. Today is my 9 week mark! Which means that little Jude/Eevee has graduated from embryo to an actual fetus :D

Baby is the size of a cherry as we speak. (visual aid follows)

I am so glad that I have my parents, best friend, and puppies to keep me strong through the months that follow... I'm going to need as much support as possible. I hope all the moms, mommies to be, wives, girlfriends, daughters, sons, husbands, daddies, all of you that have a loved one deployed.. stay positive and just remember to let your loved one know how much you love and miss them. 

Have a fantastic Wednesday everyone :)

Love,

Hello again, everyone :)

So, something that has been on my mind a lot lately is what style of dress I will be wearing at my wedding.

I've always said I wanted to be in a mermaid dress. I have never been a big fan of the big poofy wedding dresses.... they remind me of prom. No offense to those ladies that choose these dresses. Everyone has their individual tastes. But since I've been looking at certain collections I have noticed quite a few princess style dresses that are very tasteful in their amount of puffiness. 

I am obsessed with so many different designers.... Lazaro, Maggie Sottero, Allure, Justin Alexander, Casablanca, Val Stefani, and Essence of Australia... Of course i'm sure once I actually get to try on the dresses i'm interested in and see how they look with my figure then the decision will probably be obvious. Until then I think the collection that has drawn my eye the most has been the Tara Keely collection. 

The princess and mermaid styles are the part that I am still really stuck on so I am going to put up some of the dresses that have drawn me a back and hopefully I get some feedback. 

This is the Gigi dress by Maggie Sottero

This is a dress from the Tara Keely Fall 2013 Collection style tk2358

This is a dress from the Tara Keely collection by Lazaro style 2304

This is a dress from the Justin Alexander collection style 8652

Clearly i'm obsessed with lace :) but take your pick and let me know!

Love,

Good morning Everyone.

Today I should be a day over 8 weeks! I hadn't really noticed how fast time has been flying, but I've heard that your first trimester goes by the fastest. According to one of my favorite baby development websites, Just Mommies, here are some things that have been going on with baby the past couple of weeks.

- Week 7, Day 1: Baby's crown to rump length was 8 mm or 0.30 inches. Also, baby weighed in at about 0.8 grams. 

- Week 7, Day 3: Baby's bones began forming.

- Week 7, Day 4: Baby's mouth, nose, and lips became recognizable.

- Week 7, Day 5: Baby's sex glands appeared!

- Week 8: Baby's fingers and toes became present, but they still may be webbed. 

- Week 8, Day 1/ TODAY: Baby's crown to rump length is 12 mm or 0.50 inches. Also, baby weighs about 1 gram at this point. 

Here is a picture of what my 8 week baby should look like :)

So many bounds that have been leapt!

I have heard from some of my mommies of 2 that with your second baby you will most likely feel movements sooner, and I have felt some pretty prominent movements as of lately. I am pretty positive they aren't caused from bloating and that they are real movements, but maybe once I have my first doctor visit they will be able to confirm or deny. 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Tuesday morning so far!

Love, 

OK, it's confession time... In my last pregnancy I gained so much weight I don't even question why my body aches so constantly. Because how can a tiny, 125 pound, 16 year old girl gain roughly 3/4 her body weight, carry that around for months on end, and not have side effects from it. 

It wasn't that I was depressed or ate a lot of food; it was that I had absolutely no knowledge of how to care for myself, especially whilst pregnant. I got to the point that I desperately wanted to start working out, but I had gotten to far into the pregnancy without any exercise that it would of been to much of a risk to begin that kind of strain on my on my body at that point. 

So, I vowed that when I became pregnant for the second time I would take excellent care of myself! I think I have done a pretty good job of sticking to that so far. Yes, there are some things I could be doing more of, but I think once the first trimester fatigue reduces that I will have more energy to stick to the plan. 

So far I have worked out at least twice a week; whether it be walking on the treadmill at a high incline for 30 minutes or taking my dogs on a nice long hike (Utah has fantastic mountain trails!). Once I get my energy back i'd love to start pursuing yoga again. I did this with my last pregnancy, and it was SO relaxing! I think that the yoga also aided in my labor.

The biggest component in keeping me healthy with this pregnancy is, of course, eating nutritious foods! It does help that I cook... I know that a lot of vegans and vegetarians do well with getting nutritious foods, but they come at the cost of being stuffed with preservatives, because they have to buy pre-made food. Sadly, most of my recipes I do not give out, but one of the best vegan recipe blog sites I have ever seen has to be Kathy Patalsky's. I have made a good share of her recipes and I have always been so impressed with how amazing everything turns out. Not only is she to adorable for her own good, but she just has so much passion for food and life! 

For the vegans and vegetarians I was referring to earlier I will tell you that some of the simplest dishes are not only incredibly delicious, but very healthy. My very favorite would have to be Tofu Scramble. If you just gagged at the thought of Tofu it is because you have never had properly cooked tofu. No, tofu is not the tastiest thing in the world when you eat it raw or improperly cook it. The best thing you can do with it is soak it in vegetable, faux chicken, or mushroom broth (after draining and squeezing out the tofu). Tofu scramble consists of drained, marinated (or I give it a good douse of amino acids; which is very similar to soy sauce, but very nutritious) tofu and any vegetable your heart desires! Sometimes I make it with whatever I can find in my fridge; which can be as little as fresh spinach, tomatoes, carrots and onions. Other times I like to make it nice and complex with ingredients like asparagus, zucchini, and bell peppers (my favorite are yellow and red), all mixed in with the ingredients for the less complex version. I always make sure it has spinach in it though. Spinach is just one of those ingredients that adds tons of oomph as well as nutrition! 

Here is a picture of some I made a while back. 

Also green smoothies, as odd as they may look, are not only amazing for you but if made with the right proportions can be really tasty! My favorite combination is pineapple, spinach, cucumber, green apple, soy/almond milk, and sometimes mango (the mango doesn't do much for sweetness that's why I usually only do the pineapple). 

If you try them out then i'd love to see some pictures of what you come up with! 

Have a great day everyone.

Love,

I finally figured out how to add a comment box on my entries! 

I really hope that I start getting some feedback on my posts now :)

Just wanted to tell everyone to share your thoughts! I would love to hear what you guys think, or if you have any questions please ask away and I will answer them ASAP.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic Friday so far.

Love,

Just in case there are any mommies to be out there that have also experienced this sensation I would just like to shine some light on it, because I was very scared and confused when it happened. 

The other day I had a very sharp pain right above my belly button. First off this is very normal and nothing to worry about. The sensation, to me, felt as if well my stomach was ripping open in little layers. Actually, this is what is happening just not as dramatically as it ripping open. Due to your uterus becoming larger, along with the baby, this can cause the stomach muscles to rip. I wasn't even aware I had any of those, ;) but I found out it is most common in any pregnancy that your first. The feeling can increase with each pregnancy... OUCH, but like i said before it is COMPLETELY NORMAL! 

The ripping does happen in your first pregnancy, but kind of like getting a piercing in the same place a second time you can feel it stronger when it re-rips. I would think it would be more painful the first time and dull down with each pregnancy, but the body is a mysterious place! 

Note: I am not a doctor, and do not have any training in the medical field. All of the information I have provided is from internet resources. I just know that I had to dig pretty deep to get a straight answer of what was happening. It was more forums of people expressing their concerns. 

Happy Thursday everyone!

Love,

I came home to a horror scene today... i'll spare you the details and just tell you that both of my dogs are very sick. My hormones got the best of me; which led to ugly crying and shouting plenty of obscenities. After the dramatics dulled down I, first, got all the filth out of my Australian Shepherd/ Lab mix's abundance of matted fur; then, I eventually lured my Great Dane into the bad tub and cleaned her off as well.... stuck them on the porch and then scrubbed every crevice of their cage. 

Hours pass and my fiance comes home, before he can offer or refuse I went ahead and forced him to keep the dogs within his sight at all times while I finally got the chance to sleep for the day.

This is my photo of me getting a moment alone to relax with baby Judarius/Genevee and get that cruddy feeling to go away...

I hope everyone is having a great Thursday and remembers to take out some time for themselves. 

Love,

My fiance and I got to join my daughter, Renee, and her parents for dinner last night. As always it was an amazing time, and I can't believe the beautiful little girl that Renee has become! She finally recognizes me to the point that she was sad to see us go, and she was so social-able and affectionate with us. In the past she wasn't quite so.... but I do only see her once a month, sometimes longer, so i'm sure that makes it hard for an under 3 year old to remember you.

Something that had been weighing very heavily on my mind before we made plans to see Renee and her parents was telling them that I was pregnant. Anna and Dennis are extremely good hearted, understanding people so I didn't fear they'd be upset at me, but I feared that maybe it wouldn't be the happiest of news. Anna and Dennis had tried everything possible to try and conceive a child before adoption Renee... It saddens me that such heartache comes to such wonderful people. I am more than happy that I could not only help them with their struggle, but they could be everything I ever wanted in parents for my daughter. 

So you can probably see how them having to watch me go through yet another pregnancy while they have yet to really go through one themselves could be a little hard to hear. Of course they didn't act that way at all! Immediately they were full of questions and congratulations :)

They had, to my surprise, already told Renee (I had told Anna the day prior to our visit) about her new baby sister/brother. Renee had picked out the name Elliot for baby; which is actually a name that I've always admired so if she keeps with the name then we will surely find a way to incorporate it. And when we left everyone said by to baby and it was explained to her that she also was in my belly. What a great feat to overcome all in one day. 

I hope everyone is having as great of a Monday as I am!

Love,

I am so obsessed with Etsy! 

I hope everyone checks out this wonderful site. 

I will say that every time I order from Etsy it seems to take a while for the items to get to me, but in the end it's all worth it. 

These are some outfits I've favorited and once we find out the sex of the baby I will start ordering away. Cross your fingers for a girl! ;) 

Here are the links for each item:

- Sailor Denim Diaper Cover

- Vegetarian Tee/Onesie (with what i'm sure is a pretty exact model of what my baby will look like)

- Mustache Shoes (made from man made materials) 

- Ivory Lace Dress 

- Apple Print Dress

- Cardigan Onesie with Bow Tie

- Crotchet Newborn Shoes

- Call Of Doody Onesie 

- Star Wars Themed Obiwan Onesie

I have a bunch of other adorable picks on my page in Etsy if you'd like to see any of the other fun finds I have one there go here. :)

I hope everyone is having an excellent Friday morning! I couldn't be happier that it's Friday.

Love,

This decision is so much harder than it should be, but my favorite flowers are sunflowers. I've always wanted sunflowers, but now that i'm actually planning for my wedding i'm seeing that as beautiful as sunflowers are i'm not a fan of yellow and brown all over the place.

Sooo.... another flower/herb i'm absolutely obsessed with is lavender! I love the color, the smell, everything! It's comforting and deliciously smelly. But is it to smelly? Having lavender as my wedding flowers would mean lots of beautiful light purple which will go with my fiance's grey suite beautifully, as well as my oatmeal colored dress, but what if some of my guests don't like the smell of lavender?

Before anyone makes a final decision on their advice take into consideration that it will be outside in winter so it may not be AS smelly as a confined inside wedding. 

Here is a picture I found of a beautiful wildflower bouquet; which are the kind of flowers I prefer. I'm not a fan of roses.... never have been. They are beautiful, but predictable. I will just add lavender to these examples.

This will also mean lavender bridesmaids dresses! I am way to excited about the whole color scheme!

I would love some feedback on this post. 

Have a great Thursday everyone!

Love,

Turns out i'm pretty positive i'm farther along than I originally guesstimated!

I should be just a couple days over 6 weeks and my probably due date would be January 26, 2014!  Of course I will give confirmed results once I have the assets to see a doctor. Don't fret though! That should be very soon and until then I am taking my prenatal vitamins and eating super healthy foods. :)

Here's some facts I've read about where baby should be fetal development wise, but as I said in my earlier post I have heard that because this is my second baby he/she may be a lot more developed. 

This is a 6 week old fetus! (not mine) I love looking at this and imagining what my little manatee looks like. :D 

At this point baby Jude or Genevieve's heart has begun to beat, crown to rump baby is about 4-6 mm in length and weighs in at a whopping 0.4 grams. The news specifically for today is that her/his brain is beginning to form!

More updates will come soon, but for now I hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday.

Love, 

I promise not to bombard everyone's page with baby bump photos, but I had to share this one. Not only am I in love with this dress! I got it from Macy's for $48.00, and it's going to make the perfect maternity dress! Also, my belly is getting so big, so fast! I've clarified this with a couple mommy friends, but apparently with your second child not only do you show faster, but (this has only been confirmed by one person) the baby also develops faster than your first! I think that is an amazing if it is true, so if more of can confirm or deny that statement please do.

I don't think at this time in my life I could be any happier! I am so close to everything I've ever wanted; the perfect husband, a beautiful family, to travel the world, and so much more.

I love the point where you realize that every hardship you've endured in your life is without a doubt 100% worth it, because all those tears, heartbreaks, and days that you just felt like giving up led you to this point.