#biological

It truly felt that each path came to a dead end, that I had to keep changing directions or shifting my path. Juggling my health, routine, and goals all at once- while not having the environment to properly grow myself. The mountainous of challenges has been sharing the space with my mother, it turned what was suppose to be six years of growth into six years of struggle.

It wasn't that she was a bad person, but she dominated the home. My efforts to learn about my chronic illness met with lack of effort to pay attention to it or denial of what I researched. Voicing that I needed a specific routine to help manage my life, as well, met with lack of effort to be considerate of that sort of efforts. There wasn't much I could do or places I could go anymore. She worked from home alongside me. The economy was no longer friendly to anybody with barely anything to their name yet. Me and my boyfriend weren't anywhere near considering marriage; not that we had the stability in finance or jobs to make that happen for another handful of years. If we stay together that is.

My relationship has been the most blessed gift in my life, yet also the most heavily weighed. Nothing is wrong with him. Nothing is wrong with us. However, he wants his own children. Sadly, I am on the fence with that choice as I am nearing inches to my thirties; yet to even scratch the surface of life, having lived within the same four walls most of life. A complicated matter mixed between finance, self choices, and lack of choices all wrapped together. I'm wanting to live life, to explore, and be unbound by any other large responsibilities such as being a mother. Mother hood is a pride I would refuse to allow myself to do wrong, because a child is a life to nurture and care. The worst of my nightmares, becoming a resentful and spiteful mother towards what would be my own child; all because of being within another four wall majority of what youth I had left.

All of this... I have yet to share with him. Not on purpose to keep him, but because of his line of work means I can't treat him like any regular person. I've tried to bring up the topics, he sadly hasn't been ready to have them just yet. Heck, I haven't even met his parents just yet. Something I am completely fine with, seeing as his mother would be the smothering type once she learned of me, but he likely sees as something very personal to do with me. A sort of, big sign in the sky that he's nearly ready to propose when it happens. If it happens.

Again, at some point when he is ready we'll have to discuss it. Likely, I may have to accept letting him go if children is a stronger desire over myself. I won't hold a grudge or spite him over it, because I get it. I truly do.

Right now I am about to make a large life change. Another one to add to the tally just to try to make all of this work. I'm going to see about a part time job.

As much as I wanted to make my small business at home work, the first few years out of the six being the hardest do to lack of most things, the rest have had little to almost no growth. Due to lengths of reasons in of themselves at this point. Something I can't deny is needing freedom. There is medication I need to pay for, desires I wish to invest in, afford to see more of the world, and maybe one day find my own place. Not that I'll give up on my goal, just means this will challenge my relationship with my darling and challenge myself.

The core reason I wished to have worked from home with my own business was due to needing it for my chronic illness. It's to the point that I need a total life style management and strong medication to even strike at the tip of healing any of it. Nothing as bad as IronMouse, but even while doing my own business can K.O. myself due to how bad fatigue with brain fog can hit me. It's not the direction I want to go. It'll change the entire chess board that I'll have to figure out all over again. How to handle my meals, handle managing the said small business, managing my stress, my fatigue- everything.

The strongest desire right now... is just to live.

Have money to afford my hobbies. Afford to travel outside my house. Afford seeing my love and staying with him. Afford helping to pay going places with my Papa. Everything.

Hopefully one day I'll find something that strikes gold. Something I can have that lets me live in total freedom to care after my body and my mind, but as well have all the pride of my hard work and heart put into it.