i linger around the crevices of tits

a video by a fan of him and cliff marleau talking INSANE shit on the bench resurfaces after The Outing, and the internet starts up on its usual bullshit of how ilya is too fun for shane again. the usual “oh it’s so sad that roz doesn’t have someone to match his energy” and “hollander is so boring what does a guy who talks like this even see in that”.

anyway, svetlana (who cares less about shane’s hockey image and letting him remain untarnished than ilya does—she’s smart and also a minority so she feels less guilt about pushing shane on it) catches wind of this. one day, out of actually fucking nowhere it’s just some wednesday, she posts a video from the cottage. shes been invited to stay the week to babysit shane who is out on IR, and they’re watching a centaurs vs. guardians game.

the camera is shaky, and held low, and at first you can only hear shane in the background, but then he becomes visible at an odd angle. he’s got his injured ankle up on the couch, he’s wearing a really low cut tank top and a slutty pair of shorts. he is also mid rant about “— and if your entire team is still falling apart to this level TWO YEARS LATER just because you lost one good player and another caught a case, then you have to ask yourself what’s f****** wrong with the f****** coaches. i mean, mathewson is an ugly son of a b**** but i didn’t realize he was f****** stupid too. and we’re not even playing well, smith is just that much of a f****** sieve. maybe if he put half as much weight into moving towards the puck as he puts into pushing his wife around — you’d like her by the way-“

the video goes viral instantaneously. people cannot believe that captain hollander is this mean, but devoted hockey fans also keep quoting it, shocked because he’s RIGHT. some girl who’s been a roz fan since boston tweets, “roz will chirp to piss you off, but hollzy will kill your family because he finds you disrespectful to the sport.”

Which leads to Shane calling his Dad at like 11 PM. And David just hears a soft "Dad" in Shane's trembling voice and he's out of bed, no questions asked. "I'll be over in twenty minutes, bud", he promises as he grabs his car keyes.

Both boys look absolutely wrecked when he enters their house twenty minutes later, hair a mess, dark circles under their eyes, clothes with tear stains. So David just nodds to himself. "Alright, let's go for a drive", he says, calm and steady, as he ushers the three of them to his car, both Shane and Ilya too tired to protest. He makes sure they're both strapped in on the back seats, their daughter secure in Ilya's arms, before pulling out of the driveway.

- "Okay so you can either give a guy a full blowjob without nutting OR let him cum in your mouth. And you have to pick one. Which one are you doing?"

- "How many backshots would you take for a million dollars? Okay, a billion. Okay, fine, a--a wizard says that he'll make you king of the world but only if you take ten backshots--"

- "Your wife grows a penis every year on her birthday and if you don't suck it she'll never have a pussy again. You sucking it?"

- "If I was dying and the only way to save me was to suck a dick would you do it? Does it fucking matter whose dick? Fuck, I dunno. Ilya Rozanov. Yeah, you've gotta suck Rozanov's dick to save my life--"

- "All the women are dead and we've gotta repopulate the Earth and--yeah, Andy, obviously men can get pregnant in this scenario--and you're one of them--do you let a guy knock you up or do you let the human race die out? No Andy, IVF doesn't exist, it's the apocalypse. Do you let a guy nut inside you for the good of humanity?"

- "A million dollars per blowjob and you've gotta swallow. How many are you giving?"

- "Okay so what if the Commissioner came in right now and said Great job boys, you won the Cup, but we're not gonna give it to you unless one of you takes it in the ass from another player in the league--who are you picking? Yeah, if it's you who has to take it. I dunno! Maybe it's gotta be the ugliest player on the team who does it haha."

- "Nah man, that's not cool, don't bring Cap into this. If the Commissioner said Cap had to take it in the ass, I'd volunteer to do it for him. Just because he's Captain doesn't mean he'd automatically have to be the one to take it. We'd never let that happen. That's our FUCKING CAPITAINE WOO HOLLZY--"

- "There's a gun to your wife's head and they're gonna pull the trigger of you can't convince Ilya Rozanov to make out with you super sloppy. Yeah, of course there's tongue. You've gotta act like you want it too."

- "How many times would you lick another dude's asshole for--"

- "Okay there's a genie. And he says, good news Gil, I'm gonna give you a billion dollars. But the only way to do it is to live with Ilya Rozanov for a full calendar year. And yeah you've gotta fuck him. I dunno, a normal amount? Twice a month? Like a normal married couple I guess. I dunno which one of you is the girl, Gil, that's a fucking weird question."

- "Okay FINE new question. Would you fuck Ilya Rozanov for a billion dollars. What do you mean fast or slow? It's Ilya fucking Rozanov, Gil."

- "Well, I mean, okay--if it was fast it'd be over sooner right? But if it was slow, like, that's probably better for, like...your asshole--"

- "I don't know, Gil! Probably like, lube. Not that I'd know about that, my girl's always WET AS FU--"

the setting at the start of the fight? boods house for a BBQ, wyatt claiming movie rights for the night and picking lego batman.