this book I’m reading on female evolution for some reason uses bill and hillary clinton as examples of the typical differences between male and female vocal structures and the author is like “imagine if bill clinton had a throat sac like an ape which caused his voice to resonate” don’t say that? I don’t want to imagine that?

billiam clinton saying his famous line “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” in a booming voice that can be heard up to two miles away and everyone starts hooting like monkeys and banging their fists on their chests

young old person tip for you all. go get some photos printed (pauses so someone can say bogos binted) and fill out a physical album

and annotate them with who is in the photos and when and where the photos were taken!!! your extended family 50 years from now will be grateful, and so will you if you end up forgetting any details

(sprints into room late, looking harried and frantic as fuck) bogos binted. did I miss it

We need to conquer space travel for the only reason that zero-g would allow for new never before seen pastries, you know how the top of the muffin is the best part? Well that is because it is exposed to air so it changes the chemistry, in normal earth gravity it is impossible to make a muffin that is all top part because it needs to be placed somewhere which would restrict air flow, however in zero g it would be possible to make a bubble out of muffin dough which gets optimal airflow and becomes an all-top part muffin... This is the dream...

Hey, don't cry about no Ace Attorney 7. Phoenix Wright gets hit by a car tomorrow, okay?

just rewatched project hail mary and honestly i understand that it's an angsty moment, but it is genuinely hilarious that rocky has one (1) real conversation with grace and grace ends it by saying "okay i need to go to sleep now" but rocky just fully thinks that grace is going to go back to his ship and die. mans must have been freaking out. imagine meeting an alien and after having a SINGLE conversation with you they're like "well i have to go kill myself now. farewell." grace is so lucky rocky never crashed out on him.

*sigh* fine, fine, i'll be the new doctor who showrunner. bring me two twinks, britain's tallest woman, and 1000 pounds worth of alumininamian foil

this fucking orc named Skakuga the Taunter has followed me throughout this entire game, literally jumping out of bushes to make fun of me and then running away after throwing a smoke bomb. i killed him and he came back with a peg leg as Skakuga the Unkillable. i hate this fucker

they're trying to get me to do something called ""my job"" instead of reading about medieval english poaching laws

irritating as fuck when people get mad at Black people existing in premodern historical fiction/fantasy media. like first of all, you're racist. and second of all, you are acting as though Black people didn't exist in premodern Europe which is simply false. especially when we're talking about the Mediterranean, like what the fuck do you people think is along the southern half of the Mediterranean Ocean?? everyone's on boats, there are GOING to be interactions with Black people in Northern Africa, and there are GOING to be Black people in Mediterranean Europe. stop being stupid. your imagined homogeneous white European past is not historical reality, get over it you massive losers