TIETOONS

BUT

If you have NOT played the game I beg of you please block the tag #ghost trick spoilers for my blog

Anyway carry on y'all

Ever since I started this new job, I’ve been getting...bad. Worse, and worse, and worse. I went from stuck in retail for several straight years to being laid off out of the blue, then to unemployment for almost a full year, before finally landing my very first full time office job.

But I hate it

I hate myself and I hate the clients more and more with each day

and that frightens me

I freeze up, I clam up, I do nothing but play games and listen to music. Hardly creating, hardly dreaming, hardly living. I know this isn’t the life I want to live, but despite my best efforts, I can’t seem to leave it, no matter how hard I try.

It got so bad that I’ve been seeing a therapist after several years, and each time we see each other, her advice always, ALWAYS, boils down to ‘be positive’ and ‘reach out to your friends!’.

But

But the whole reason I’m in therapy is because I feel like these problems I have—which I have been VERY clear on—feel too much for loved ones.

I feel like if I’m extremely, drowningly honest, then they’ll all say the same thing; go to a therapist.

But then the therapist sends me to reach out.

It’s an endless cycle.

And the thing is? I’ve had at least four therapist by now for the past decade, and they’ve always said the exact same thing, over and over and OVER. But nothing changed. So that means the problem is me, right? If they’re all saying the same thing?

So I’m trying. I tried to reach out to friends. But they either didn’t respond or I chickened out of being honest. And I’m the one to initiate any sort of convo 90% of the time, and it’s exhaustingly lonely.

I’ve even tried putting myself out there with a dating app my therapist recommended, but nothing. Hardly anyone that seems remotely up my alley, just people who are clubbing and hiking and looking for polyamory and...so many smokers? In 2026?? How???

I’ve been trying go to out to more clubs, but some of them feel like I...like I’ll never, ever fit. A bunch of extroverts who can go forever while I’m struggling to keep up and honestly don’t want to hang out with anymore, but I keep telling myself this takes time...but I’ve been lonely all my life.

I hate this job. I bust my butt to write professional emails, and detailed instructions on exactly what we need from clients, but every time, I get replies with awful punctuation and grammar and they never, EVER follow the instructions and yell at me that they need to provide required documents. I’ve been yelled at, cursed at, spat at more than working retail for seven full years. I know in my head it’s not personal, that they’re at the lowest points of their lives, but I get tired of it. I keep wanting to yell back right at them. Yell back horrible, horrible things.

Why are there so many teen pregnacies

Why are these people having so many kids

Why are these people having kids with so many different people

Why are they having kids if they can’t even pay their bills

Why are there so many people who refuse to learn to use technology and want US to fill out applications FOR them, when we legally can’t, and they’re adults

Why are there people who can’t read or write, in English OR Spanish, when they’re over forty years old and want US to do everything for them when I have the horrible thought that they’re inconveniencing us, that they should have brought a trusted friend or family member if they refuse to learn

I hate this job, I hate my community, I hate people

But every time I look for work without customer service, I never get results. I want data entry, back end, full time with benefits. Yet indeed and linkedin keep spitting back at me client relation jobs or jobs that offer far too little pay for me to live off of.

Am I typing in the wrong words?

Looking at the wrong places?

I’ve attended dozens of seminars to job hunt and polish my resume, but I never, ever get results. How am I supposed to work myself out of this hole if the tools at my disposal aren’t even working as they should be?

And the worst part is I feel so, so, so alone in all this

I try talking to my dad, but he’s not good at comforting me. When I say how horrible clients treat me, even when I admit I’m trying to be sympathetic, when he says ‘that’s true’, and offers no further comfort, I feel stupid. I feel alone.

When I say how I read up on some tricks to polish up my resume to get past the AI and into real human hands, he said what I read was bad and that what I’m doing ‘will make me look horrible in the eyes of recruiters’. And he’s, vocally, pro AI.

Why couldn't he have just said, ‘wow that’s cool, I’m so proud of you for trying and I’ll be here to tell you you’re loved’.

And why do I feel like I’m frothing at the mouth for that sort of attention.

But if it comes from certain people, I hate it to my core. From certain family members. Yet those same family members taught me if I’m being picky then I ‘must not want it enough’.

Yet I feel like I’ll suffocate unless I have someone shower me with love and praise that I’m not crazy or stupid or broken.

But I know thinking like that, being desperate like that, then people will try to take advantage of it. I’ve heard so, so many horrible stories of people getting into relationships, only to realize after marriage for their spouse to show their true colors and it’s near impossible to get help and to get out, that they couldn’t see the signs. If someone who’s normal couldn’t, then how could I? How can I trust myself like that?

I already struggle to communicate with my coworkers. One is seemingly lazy and not doing his job, even though he’s full time and got the position when I applied, after working as a temp for two years. And when I ask him to not make sounds with his mouth like whistling or chewing with his mouth VERY open, he says he ‘does it without thinking’ and I feel crazy the few times I’ve asked him to stop when it gets too much.

Then my other coworker warns me to not ‘tattle or manage him otherwise he wont’ listen’, but now she’s finally getting fed up, and she’s a VERY blunt person. When she’s given me criticism, I want to cry each time. And the few times I have she tells me I need to not be so sensitive, and then I feel more and more crazy.

I thought I was talking to these people like normal. I thought I was following the rules. I thought I could predict where the conversation would go. But I can’t.

All this has been piling on for what feels like the past two years, and it’s gotten so bad I want to scream. I keep having thoughts that I shouldn’t put on here, but are getting more and more and more frequent, yet I know I wont’ act on them, that they’re just me begging for attention. I want to scream, claw, and cry like a baby until they understand I’m in pain. Because even when I use my words, as an adult, as a PERSON, it’s not working. But I know the other thoughts aren’t the answer. Yet I’m at my wit’s end.

So...I’m trying to follow my therapists advice.

I’m letting it all out here, hoping someone, anyone will hear me.

And help me.

Help me talk like a human.

Help me find a job I don’t despise.