Poetry, Music and Thoughts I Can't Say Out Loud

I don't negotiate the standard of care that I desire in my connections. When I set a standard, it is usually tied to an intrinsic part of my own wellbeing. So when I say I want someone who communicates, it's because someone who doesn't prioritize communication will trigger my anxiety. When I say I want someone who is emotionally mature, it is because a lack of that will impede my ability to express myself around them. My standards are tied to the security I feel within any given connection, and a negotiation of that is a request to violate my own comfort.

Are you fighting for someone who loves you, or fighting for someone to love you?

I used to hate when I cry about things that happened in my past. I would think "This happened ages ago! Why is it still causing me pain now?!" But I'm learning to embrace the pain and the tears that so often accompany it. I now think of it as my body giving me the opportunity to grieve an injustice that I'd gone through but hadn't quite registered as an injustice, thus robbing me of an appropriate reaction. I embrace the anger, rage, sadness, pain and tears, because I know now that I should've reacted that way, but didn't have the capacity to, so I didn't. It is the gift of a legitimate reaction for a mind that's stuck in a moment or time long lost, but never forgotten or let go. It is healing.

I get angry sometimes. But most times I'm sad. I keep thinking "I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve that at all." And it hurts because, even with a crippled self-esteem and a self-worth so tattered, every broken fibre of my being still knows that I didn't deserve that at all. And that makes me so sad for myself, because it feels like, even when I lead with love and goodness, I'll never be seen or heard. It feels like I'll never be loved back. It shrivels up my soul and makes me want to become as invisible as I feel.

I want to live but life keeps getting in the way...