This Blog is Yellow

I didn’t know what to expect

when I met your green eyes

and they met mine

for the first time since our last meeting

in our past lives.

I was never sure of having multiple past lives before,

but I’ve met you

and loved you

everytime ive met you.

Everytime I’ve heard your deep loving voice

and everytime we’ve smashed into each other

like comets hitting earth,

with love.

My heart recognizes you

everytime our eyes have met

and its always been love

because I’ve tried to describe what I feel when you’re with me

and words are never accurate enough.

I feel the need for you

as much as I need food to survive

I need your skin

your touch

you.

Now I can believe in things

that never even crossed my mind.

It took some time

but I’ve finally met you

I still search for you in photos

In videos.

Just to see if i can catch you in the background or hear traces of your voice

I still search for you

In your favorite places

In your favorite restaurants

On people’s faces who ride motorcycles.

I still search for you on Sundays

And church parking lots

And anywhere outdoors in the summertime.

I search for you in the cracks of anyone’s hands in the wintertime.

In the winter burn on their faces

I still search for traces of you

Today was a hard day

But I smiled

because you were on the edge

of not such a glorious time

It was hard

so I decided to yell my anger into existence

You listened and watched it.. exist

I made sure to hurt you before anyone else could

because today was hard

I didn’t do it on purpose,

at least not consciously,

is what I told myself

Because I had to smile

and you were on the edge

of not such a glorious time

I begged you to believe in the evil looking you in the eye

at a time when you should have been blinded and deaf

I fed my anger and let it live,

until it was right beside you and I smiled

because today was hard and we were both on the edge of not such a glorious time.

I’d run away with it now if I could because you deserved anything but anger.

And I will always be sorry for the tears in your eyes

Its beautiful in the morning, as i watch the sun come up

Other times, the curtains won’t move to let the light in

And it’s dark

Dark enough for me to trip

But the good mornings are the ones that scare me most

Sometimes I can’t control the sun

or how long it will last

When the sky is gray

I can’t sing the rain away

And when I’m lucky to have the suns warmth all day, I burn to a crisp

Sometimes..

Even with sunscreen and umbrellas ready at my side I can only avoid the rain and/or sun rays, a fraction of the time

But i stay, i stay as I’m drenched and burn, for all the reasons I allow the burning fire on my skin and the rain drops that pierce through me when it’s storming

It’s you and it’s this :

I hope practice makes perfect

It’s the only thing I can hope for

I’d retreat

And run as far as I could

Without stopping for breath

I would run for the hills

just to quiet my thoughts

And hold my hands still

I would climb up mountains

to make myself feel small

Because I hate to feel big

I’d leave it all

In an instant

Because I’m sinking

It’s getting harder to breathe

Harder to stay still

And stay awake

But love doesnt run away

It stays

It walks through hell

And tries

So i sit and i smile

And i tie my feet

to the chair

Because we can’t t both run

And I love you

I often think of you

Your wings

So colorful

And free

Free to the naked eye

and i long for it

The warmth, a softness

its colorful horizon

Filled with as far as the eye can see

But i want to see past it

To prove

it is

Actually

Free

Sugar and rum

To wipe it clean,

all the smudges

and the smoke

you can’t keep away sometimes

It will be the alcohol level

Or diabetes

Or my lungs giving out

And you can’t keep it away sometimes anymore

You can’t keep it away

I found it

on a Thursday night

when I needed to retreat.

I was sitting in an empty parking lot

Inside of a car

while listening

to a short story

for kids.

His voice echoed

in every part of me.

My head rested

Somewhere between his vocal cords

And his heart

And it was softer and warmer

than the teddy bear

I hugged as a kid.

So I go there sometimes

when life is too hard.

It smells of comfort

and I can taste it’s sweetness

as I trace it

with my fingers.

It beats

like the sound of drums,

lightly, like a lullaby.

I love him.

I knew it at around 10:18PM on a Tuesday.

I was at a red light

Getting ready to get on to the highway.

That’s when I knew.

I felt something I couldn’t find the words for

It felt like the world was silent and simple for a moment.

I could only describe what I felt as natural

and simple.

Natural; in the same way the wind blows and the seasons change.

There wasn’t a word that did it justice, it wasn’t happy or sad or excitement or wonder or fear or any other word you could find in a dictionary.

It wasn’t like anything I’d experienced before.

And I couldn’t help but smile even if I didn’t logically understand it.

By then I’d learned that the butterflies were a myth but this was so much better.

Somehow, there was a part of me that understood what this was, before I could wrap my head around the feeling floating in my chest.

As I made a left and got on to the highway, I tried to make sense of what I felt

Because I barely knew him.

I wondered:

Do people become irrational about how they feel toward others, by spending a few hours with them in a poorly lit parking lot, rambling in zero degree weather?

I only knew him on from the outside looking in and he wasn’t very transparent.

He was a rubik’s cube I felt I’d deciphered a million times before and each time I felt more invigorated to solve it than the last time I’d done it.

He was simple and the world didn’t deserve him. He was pure and innocent. He’d pull you in with just three words and I still don’t understand how he carries himself so compassionately.

He listened to a stranger and cared enough to feed her when she needed it.

I love him.

And now I understand the generations before me who tried to describe the way I felt late at night on a Tuesday.

Now I know love is just a word we use to try and rationalize the beauty of the feeling only a few experience in a lifetime.

The word love only scrapes the surface and it’s what drives us all to madness.

I love him, rationally.

To understand the pain

You would have had to feel it burn through you

Because it is not so simple.

I miss you

And I can't compare it to anything

Because I don't understand it