I'm hella gay

The non-kosher and non-halal paintings are a smash hit! After much, much debate between religious scholars, we have come to the conclusion that there is simply no consensus on whether our enchanted meals break kosher/halal or not. Therefore, we have decided to simply supply guests with a pamphlet written by our focus group of religious scholars, and guests can decide for themselves whether shellfish counts as shellfish if it's technically made out of oil paint.

Next week we will be unveiling our newest masterpiece: the Butcher's Picnic! For this painting, we commissioned a local environmentalist and animal rights activist, who assures us that all of the materials in this piece are 100% plant and mineral based. Indulge in a gorgeous array of barbeque, roasts, burgers, fried meat, stews, steaks, and tartare while confident in the knowledge that absolutely no animals were harmed in the making of this feast.

Ever wanted to eat a food that will kill you? Well, now you can! Come visit our Poison Table, which boasts a carefully curated array of deadly mushrooms, berries, and vegetables. Patrons may not spend more than 10 minutes at the Poison Table per day. ABSOLUTELY NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

Starting this week, patrons must sign a waiver agreeing that any negative results from their own allergies are entirely their responsibility. That said, we have updated our allergy protocol! All patrons here to circumvent a serious allergy must alert gallery staff to said allergy before indulging, so that we can yank them out if things get too serious. Please also alert us if you have a Fantasy EpiPen. We have also explained the signs of anaphylactic shock to all of the figures who live in our paintings and they've agreed to be on the lookout.

Pronouns

An accent

I go to the barber, I say "my son would like a haircut", they do not question me about whether he is my son on either point. This has worked perfectly so far. You just don't give anyone a reason to question you? If I say he is my son it is so unbelievably rude for someone else to go "um are you sure?".

But yesterday the barbers apprentice looked at him and asked if he is getting a woman's cut, and instead of arcing up and explaining trans theory and respect for kiddos gender to someone who I knew heard me the first time and had clocked him, I just channeled the spirit of a Christian Mother In The Toy Aisle and said "well, he is a boy so no, he will have a boys cut".

There will also be times when you need to pre-qualify a situation, and that's ok, too.

When my eldest daughter started her transition at 30, she asked about bra shopping. I did, in fact, call the shops that I thought might be good to go to for a proper fitting. What I said on the phone was, "My adult daughter has reached a point in her transition where she needs a bra. Is there someone on your staff that would feel comfortable assisting us?"

I'm delighted to report that at Victoria's Secret, the answer I got was a very chipper "Oh, yes Ma'am! *ANY* member of our staff would be TOTALLY comfortable helping you!" And they were!