a creature in their natural habitat

dcxdp fic idea (part 2 HERE part 3 HERE)

Danny barista AU except it's written by an actual barista who's actually crashing out (its me. im the barista)

Danny was having a DAY. It was his last shift before he was going back home to visit Sam and Tucker for a few days and it was, to put it mildly: shit.

It had started a few days ago when a rogue attack had taken out two of his coworkers. Then the delivery was late and when it finally showed up but half the food was either expired, expiring, or missing. They over shipped napkins and sleeves but Clockwork forbid they sent small cups. Then two days ago one of his remaining coworkers decided they "weren't feeling well" and went home, only to be online later that day posting pics of their makeout session with their partner and a bong they were ripping.

Then the oven started smoking.

The espresso machine started leaking.

The remaining coworker kept correcting him. loudly. in front of patrons.

The coworker was. in fact. spouting nonsense.

A cup broke, spilling an entire caramel machiato all. over him. and the counter. and the floor.

He closed his eyes. sighed. chuckled and cleaned it up. Started to remake the drink. handed it off to his coworker. grabbed a wet wipe. and went to the back to clean up. he looked around. and briefly went intangible, just enough to clear the milk that happened to get past both his apron AND his shirt, and the bit in his socks. He went back out.

His coworker got a phone call and 'had to leave' taking the contents of the tip jar with them.

Danny stared after them. Then looked at the next customer.

The next customer looked at Danny, looked at where the coworker went and then looked back at Danny.

"Did they just-"

"yup."

"are you gonna-

"Nope. What can I get started for you."

"Just a quad shot over ice in a medium cup, six pumps white mocha splash of heavy cream and a pump of raspberry syrup if you have it. They really just watched you get covered in milk and espresso, took a phone call, stole all the tip money, and bounced?"

"Yup. That'll be $8.95"

"And you're ok with that?" The guy asked as he tapped his card on the machine.

"Man, that's like, the least shit thing that's happened today, let alone this week. Also, not the first time they've done that and probably won't be the last. I've taken to presplitting them when they're on break so when they inevitably take everything they're not getting everything everything." Danny said as he started queing the shots and threw ice and the white chocolate into the cup. the espresso machine leaked. Danny glanced up, no one had a good angle on him. He slipped his arm into the machine and tinkered. The water stopped leaking. He added the raspberry and heavy cream.

"-fucker. Imma kill you for that-"

Danny's head snapped up just as he went to hand off the drink. The guy made an aborted motion to grab it as he too turned to the sudden commotion.

They both saw it at the same time.

"Get down""Gun"

The Gothamites in the cafe dropped in unison. Danny looked around. He put his arm back through the espresso machine and riffled around, then he scooched over to the coffee brewer and fiddled with the hot water component.

Muffled yelling was heard

"Anyone close enough to push the condiment table in front of the door?" Danny called over the counter. Silence. Then shuffling. Then finally the sound of a heavy object being pushed across a tile floor. "Cool. That'll buy a few seconds and should stop at least two. maybe three bullets outright and slow down at least four to five more. Anyone call the cops?"

Silence.

"Ya. That's fair. Anyone able to signal one of the bats?"

Some whispering. The noise outside was getting louder and more agressive.

"Ok, if you can, start to make your way back here, kids first, then anyone who cant move fast. We're gonna try to go out the back, alright?" something hit the door. He heard shuffling and saw a 14 and 12 year old crawl behind the bar.

"ok, we gotta stand to get there so we gotta move fast, you have a safe place to go from here?" the two nodded.

"okay, I'm going to go first, make sure the ways clear, wait 15 seconds and then follow it's about 11 steps straight back then a sharp right 9 steps and then the door. got it?" more nods. Danny crouch scuttled to the door to the back pushed it open and then stood and quickly made his way through the back clearing as much of a path as he could in the process. Exactly 15 seconds later the kids were behind him, he unlocked the security door and ushered them out. "stay low, and move quick. get inside once you're somewhere out of the cerfuffle. and stay there until the Batfeed says it's clear/containtained."

"Thanks.""We will." He watched them run off for a moment before re securing the door. When he got back to the bar he saw a girl on crutches and a man with a cane and someone clutching their bag to their chest.

"okay. it's about 20 steps total. 11 straight back, 9 to the right and then the door. do you guys have someone to pick you up or meet you? If not I have a friend who can meet you a block away and take you wherever you need to be." two had rides or lived close enough it didnt matter and one needed one. Danny pressed a button on his Fenton phone and said an address. "Come on." the group made it through the back and out the door.

Danny got back just as another bang rang out. The last guest he had before his bad day went to shit was there along with 5 more people. "There's only a few more after this. and I just got news. The bats are on their way. There was a jewlery store break-in which is why it's taking so long. there were hostages." Danny nodded and turned his attention back to the small group. reiterating his instructions and leading them out. Making sure to resecure the door behind him. It would be really stupid to get them out only to have someone else sneak up behind them.

He was going to kill his coworker(s) when he saw them next.

and demand a raise.

(He would do neither)(he would bitch about it to Sam and Tucker though)

He went back and led the rest of the guests through (one had the audacity to complain about not getting their drink).

He heard a crash just as he locked the door behind them. He sprinted back. The table had done its job alright. but it was now in pieces on the ground. The Other Guy was behind the counter with a knife in his hand. (Not one of the stores a part of Danny that used to be a hero noticed)

"You alright?"

"Ya. They all got out?"

"yup. That guy ok?"

"Probably not."

"Awesome. Danny, by the way."

"Tim."

The guy groaned and started to sit up.

"The bat birgade here yet?"

"Doesn't look like it."

"Great. Cool. Sweet. Awesome. Ok. Stay behind the counter and under 36in."

"What? no!"

"Just. Trust me."

"why should I‽"

"I did a thing."

"You did a thing?"

"I did a thing."

"and what praytell-" Tim's rant was cut off by the sound of gunshots getting closer and another person entering the store and the two starting to fight. (or continuing. Danny really didn't know where they were in in the fight) Danny slid back over to the espresso machine. "Tim. You see the coffee brewer?"

"Ya"

"when I say, push the red button and hit the floor."

"Why-"

"Just do it."

"ok ok."

"on my mark."

The two seemed to finally notice that they had company. And weren't happy about it. They started to head in Danny and Tim's direction.

"Danny-"

"Wait for it."

The gun slinging duo got closer. Shots rang out.

"Danny I really think-"

"Wait for it."

The sound of someone landing feet first on top of a man from a great height echoed into the cafe. (Danny was usually the cause of that sound, in his experience. it was weird hearing it from this side of things) he waited a moment. The sound of fisticuffs reached them.

"NOW" Danny hit the eapresso machine once, firmly just as Tim hit the button on the brewer. They both hit the ground at the same time. Nothing. and then, just as Tim was about to say something, both appliances exploded, spewing hot water/espresso beans at the thugs pointing guns at them. They screamed, clutching at their faces.

"You 'did a thing' did you?"

"What? I told you to trust me."

"Danny I-"

"Everything alright in here?" Batman asked, startling the two.

"Uh, ya. I think they'll need medical attention though. They seem to have burned themselves." Danny commented dryly as he nodded towards the two on the floor, clutching their faces.

Batman looked at them men writhering on the floor. Then at Tim. Then back at the men on the floor.

"Don't look at me B-Batman. He's the one that rigged his equipment to explode on command with like, 30 seconds notice."

"What." Danny said, looking up from where he was picking at his nails.

"The coffee maker."

"Excuse me. Jessica isn't a coffee maker. She's a miracal maker."

"That you exploded."

"Whose energies I temporarily redirected towards an alternative activity."

"With 30 seconds notice."

"I plan escape routes when I get bored. or annoyed."

"Marry me."

"what."

Here’s HSTHETE, the 24 hour comic I drew this year!  Thanks to everybody who followed along on twitter this weekend as I posted these pages <3

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

[tags via : @heavenly-havoc]

Kon: Oh, why do you think that? You told me that you two had decided to tell them little by little.

Jon: Well... judging by the gifts he's been giving me, like delivering flowers to my work at least every week, new clothes, fancy watches, trying to give me a new cell phone after seeing the cracked screen protector on mine... My friends are convinced I'm dating an old man and he's my sugar daddy!

Kon: Oh! It's a really complicated situation, but... that would only solve one of those problems, Jon.

Jon: What do you mean?

*Kon answers a call*

Bart: Hey, Tim's boy toy—

*Kon hangs up*

Jon: ...

Kon: ...

Jon: ...

STOP IT’S BEEN MONTHS. MONTHS!

Please

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