The Spoor Chronicals

Afterwards, my son and I stopped at Burger King and got something to eat. I still needed to go to WalMart to see about getting a prepaid card (that didn't work out) and buy another package of pepperoni since my 16 year old decided to get into the other package last night (lying about it wasn't him). A guy who was waiting behind me started being a jerk and complaining about me taking so much time. As I was walking out of the store, I said loudly that "impatient people need God". Somehow the guy heard that "impatient people need to die". He tried to start in with me, but before walking out, I told him I said, GOD and called him an idiot. It could have been worse, but I'm just going to pray for him. Why do people have to be in such a hurry that all they can do is complain. Then, they wonder why bad stuff happens to them because they were impatient and disrespectful. So, that was MY day. LOL

If you haven’t been able to figure me out yet, you should have seen that I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have lots of health issues and that alone cause me to feel more depressed. Yes, I belive in God and he is my #1, ALWAYS! Right now, I’m letting him handle all my worries; including the fact that I miss my husband every day. I get to see him on Saturdays and Sundays, but that’s it for now. My husband is in a drug and alcohol rehab program (he’s a mean alcoholic) and it’s six months long. Since my husband has been sober for two and a half months now, our relationship/marriage is awesome! We’re both getting better at communicating without feeling like we can’t confide in the other. No more reckless behaviors, no more verbal abuse, and no more worrying about what comes next. He is finally the man that I need him to be and I’m working on me being the wife I need to be for him. Although quite a few people want me to give up on him, I refuse! Yes, I could have walked away from our four and a half year marriage and given up for the very last time, but God gave me too many messages that giving up was not an option! For the first time, I feel like things will be so much better for our future. I can’t wait for our five year anniversary in October and actually be happy to celebrate it! I’m still hoping one day that God will heal me of my health issues, that I pray for every day. I’m sure he’s saying “wait, not yet”. I don’t know what my purpose in life is, but I know what my talents are. The trouble with that is, I have stage fright for speaking and singing. I’m slowly getting past that fear and relying on God every day to get me through every situation that causes me anxiety. Okay, I’m done rambling on! LOL

So, my son’s birthday is tomorrow (he’s turning 15) and he’s been talking to girls that he will never see in person (they live in other states). He has Autism/Aspergers Syndrome and is slightly developMENTALLY delayed. He gave me such an attitude today and I can’t stand it when he gets nasty. He used to be so good and polite and cooperative. Now he’s “Emo” and constantly verbalizes how unhappy and depressed he is. I think the majority of it is for attention, but other times, I wonder. I told him earlier that if he gives me any more attitude I would not pay his phone bill next month and I would take his tablet until his attitude changes. He then told me, “I will die without my phone” and sometimes, if he doesn’t like what I have to say, he will say “just kill me already” or “I just want to die” or “I hate this world and I don’t want to be in it anymore”. He has also lost touch with God, whom I try to talk to my son daily about in hopes of better change. So far, no luck and I know I need to get him into counseling, but I’m not sure how much is for “wanting attention” or if any of what he says is real. I wish I could read his mind and know what I need to do to help my son.

Me and my three sons (no pun intended) Even from the time these pictures were taken, my boys have changed in appearance and height. LOL

My almost 15 year old is a teenage aspie. Translation: Teenager with Aspergers Syndrome. Lately, his attitude is less than desirable. He takes situations and tries to use them as guilt trips to get out of doing what he is asked to do. He used to be my only good kid without an attitude, but now he’s a “good kid” WITH an attitude. He gets mad if I delay things that he would like to do. The only reason is because he doesn’t understand the implications of those things. I wonder if I hadn’t fallen on my stomach when I was pregnant with him, would he have been a “normal” child? For 15 years, I have worried about this very thing. He is also my youngest and he has two older brothers (half) by me, and two younger brothers (half) by two other mothers. He has an older sister (deceased upon birth) and also by another mother that his father was married to years ago. I don’t understand why my son feels angry that he can never know his sister, but it’s not something I am able to talk to him about either. I know that most of the influence of his attitude is being fed off from his two older brothers (16 years - still at home, and almost 20 years - not at home). It’s been so frustrating raising three special needs boys by myself with little to no help (especially child support). I could go on, but I digress. 

But for some reason, I am having issues keeping my anxiety and anger in tact. Yesterday, people kept pulling up almost on top of my rear bumper. HELLO! If I can’t see your headlights, you’re too damn close! GGGRRR Then today, I call my son like 10 times to ask him a question. He kept sending me to voicemail, so I screamed him a new one when I got home. I told him he’d better have a damn good reason for not answering my calls. He said, “yes, I am talking to someone”. I went off because how dare he?! Seriously! I feel like I haven’t slept in days, but thankfully I don’t have any doctor appointments until Friday! Okay, I’m done ranting now!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY TO EVERYONE! Now, since things have been contreversial for years, but yet no one has done anything to change it. I see and hear how every year, we will get our beloved United States of America, free of all the lies and deceit from our government. Not so “united” anymore, are we? My ancestor, Francis Scott Key, wrote our National Anthem, but those who fought for those words, are no longer given the respect of even mentioning it. Since when did we become afraid to stand up to the bully, and say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?! Those three words that come out of your own thoughts and said through your own lips, are you even trying? I don’t feel so free in a country that no longer has certain freedoms and every year, more are taken from us. With everything becoming “propaganda” now and it’s “I will scratch your back, AS LONG as you scratch mine”. As long? So, we go out there and only do what we expect back as a requirement now? Our soldiers, including Native Amercian - the ORIGINAL settlers - and for years; so have the Hispanics, Asians, Blacks, Whites, and so on. So, if we can come together like a military unit does, how come we can’t come together UNITED again? Oh, well, I already know the answer to that, but that’s not the point. The point is, we are no longer UNITED and we are no longer FREE! Do you realize that or do you turn your head and don’t acknowledge it? So, two or more times a year, we are celebrating our military soldiers that has just become ignored. I have seen what and how our Veteran’s are missing out on being properly cared for. When my father had a stroke in August 2009 and almost died, I saw that although the hospital staff cares, our own government does not. I had to take my dad back and forth to the VA clinic. Waiting areas were packed with present and former military soldiers. Sometimes you could find a seat,  but other times, you struggle with standing until someone gets up; to either leave or see who they are there to see. My dad had to not only fight for his current disability that he spent his whole life putting into, but it took him almost TWO YEARS without being denied. My dad served in the Navy, but although he did not go into the line of fire, he did train for it. My dad almost got sent into the field, but right when they were getting ready to ship out, they were transfered to another division and no longer shipping out. He was trained for a black belt and a fire fighter. Although, those two things, is not what he spent his life doing. My dad was a mechanic and had his own landscaping and lawn mowing business. Let me tell you, my dad, has a gift for them. I grew up always seeing the fresh cut grasses, the carefully trimmed bushes, the pruned back trees (he’s allergic to bees), the nice and carefully laid sod, the beautiful and sometimes too perfumy flowers. He’s done other jobs, of course, over his lifetime. So, can you imagine, your loved one/s fighting for what is rightfully their’s? The toll it takes on someone who still needs to pay bills, but no longer has income because their current disability KEEPS people (like my dad), unable to find work? Thus our beloved veteran’s are homeless and hungry. So, we are NOT united and not everyone believes in “One Nation Under” God (I DO!), but also, not everyone agrees with how to be UNITED once again. A friend of mine is super strong into advocating for our veteran’s world wide. We hear it from non-government, but wealthy, individuals that say “Let’s Make America Great Again!” Um, can we make America UNITED again? Thank you!

Thankfully, his younger brother DID decide to go to school today. He’s behind, but he’s trying so hard to be independent that he won’t ask for help. Yes, he has an IEP and I told him when I picked him up that he needs to take advantage of that or he won’t be starting 9th grade in August. I know how he feels though because we both have Aspergers Syndrome and anxiety. What I wouldn’t give to be normal and sociable. I’ll be calling the school in the morning and seeing if there is some way that he can catch up. Only one of his teachers was nice enough to boost his percentage so he could pass. All he needed to avoid summer school was for one teacher to just give him the extra 8% to pass her class and move on. I just don’t get it and with him being developmentally delayed, he is unable to catch up with other students his age. It makes me feel like a failure if my kids fail at something because it’s like I didn’t do or help enough for them to do better and succeed.

My two teenage boys are in Summer school for a few weeks. One is doing Pre-Algebra for ninth grade, but just finished 10th grade. The other one is doing History so he can go to the ninth grade, but if he doesn’t pass, will be held back in eighth grade. I don’t see my son passing Summer school because he doesn’t do well on tests and quizzes as it is. All the work is done on the computer and I don’t know if the teacher can help him even though he has an IEP that states he needs it. My son has Asperger Syndrome and developmental delays and if he doesn’t pass onto the ninth grade, I can already see the meltdown coming. *sigh* I wish there was someone to talk to in the school district office itself to express my concerns. He was already held back in third grade because of poor teaching from the ESE teacher at that particular school. Know how I know? I was forced to switch him to a different elementary school and guess what? Third through fifth grade, he made A,B honor roll! Middle school starts the hard school years because all three of my boys have not progressed with grades. I didn’t do too well from middle school on either, so I don’t push for A’s and B’s. Anyway, enough rambling for now!

The man I am married to is one of my high school sweethearts. We dated when I was 15 and he was 16. Then another year went by and we weren’t together. Then we were together again and living together when I was 17 and he was 18. For some reason, my husband and his sister do not remember the reason that they made me leave. 18 years later, my now husband, sees me on his sister’s facebook friends list and decides to message me. I’m shocked because I didn’t even think for one minute that he’d remember me from high school. His answer, “you never forget your first”. Yep, we were each other’s first and now we are each other’s last. 18 years and three kids (me), two kids (him) later, I didn’t feel like he’d see me the same. I guess he likes big girls because I was, LOL, and he looks at me like I’m a super model. There is only one problem...he’s an alcoholic. I thought during the first year, it was just something he did for fun and I drank with him, but not all the time. I’m not a drinker, but he drank a lot and sometimes in secret. It didn’t matter that I could smell it on his breath, he denied drinking anyway. For the four years after that, it became more of a problem which is a big problem with me. He didn’t try to be a dad to my kids and made it seem like it was a chore to do. If I had seen it sooner, I would never have married him. Now, my kids are 15, 16, and 20 and my 20 year old was kicked out a few times because of his violent disrespect. My husband is a mean alcoholic and caused my kids to defend my honor. Although my husband never physically abused me, he was verbally abusive and demeaning. I know some of it may have been true from his point of view, he just can’t handle parenting special needs kids. Heck, he never raised his kids past two years old. April 16th, he crossed a line with his verbal abuse and I kicked him out. He is now in rehab since May 23rd and he will be there until mid-November (our anniversary is October 1st). He is doing really good and has apologized for his role in causing our separation. I told him that he needs to do the same with my kids, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to. I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if he did, but I guess it will take time for all of them to come around to forgiving. I already have, but I’m still skeptical of when he gets out of rehab and if I want him to come back home or not. I hope over the next several months, he will have made a life long promise to not drink any kind of alcohol anymore. I know he loves me, but for the past few years, it was the alcohol and control (when it came to my kids and money) that he loved more. I love my husband, but I won’t be a victim of abuse again; I’ve already been down that road once; 20 years ago.