Should I call it an old beginning to be ironic?

Top result: Distance

Me: I tried that already 😭

Me: If he never talks to me again, I'm blaming the version of me that thought I was the type of cute girl who could send emojis--

I just remembered that I haven't been taking my inhaler... Was Sunday the last time? I took it and, as I was holding my breath (the idea is to make sure the medicine goes down into your lungs instead of straight out of your nose), I got an acute pain in my head and felt my knees start giving out. I almost face planted into the only piece of work out equipment in our living room when I tried to breathe normally and just drove myself directly across the room in the longest haul that roughly 8 foot distance has ever felt like. My first breath was me saying "Ow" and I continued until the pain let up enough to talk.

My mom already knew what it was, though-- "It went to your head," she said seeking little affirmation. She'd seen me have these episodes when I took my inhalers with proper regularity as a little girl. I was dizzy again and in pain.

The long break between getting this inhaler and my last made me so unaccustomed to the discomfort that I forgot all of the discomforts I'd been pushing through for the last few weeks and put them all on the steroids to which I was becoming re-habituated.

This was not my first dizzy spell. It was just the first of the day. It didn't even last very long. Though accompanied by a terrible throbbing, it was relatively short. The previous day, I'd had two long ones that held me back an hour leaving home and another hour leaving my study buddy's home.

My mother had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) when I was around 17. I'm now 27 and I wonder if the same thing might be happening to me. There are risk factors-- family history of diabetes, stroke, TIA, and high blood pressure; and my personal histories of anemia and high stress-- but I'm still young.

Whatever this is, I hope my doctor can figure it out quickly and help me come up with a low cost plan that will let me be confident about driving and working.

I didn't quit, exactly... I declined the next assignment. There are things that are more important than six weeks of paychecks. It is more important to see my grandmother. It is more important to keep my grandparents' nonprofit in good standing. At the site where I worked, staff serve in 6 week rotations and our clients-- who are already facing discomfort with our safety policy-- can expect to see the same staff member roughly 5 days per week for that length of time. I was consistent through my first two rotations, but in the next 6 weeks, I expect to have at least one week where I am unavailable. I decided that not committing to another assignment would allow my clients the stability that a new staff member could provide and me some peace of mind and room to grow through the availability I have to support some of my most important people.

Does this time allow me to be the person I want to be? Yes

Apathy while awaiting grace is the easiest thing to come by in this space.

It is my last resort in the war with myself

A weapon, maybe

A lesser evil

... but an evil, still--

As it temporarily pacifies parts that would cry out to God in these same circumstances.

Apathy

Only a little better than the self-loathing I usually find myself imbibing in my impatience in the waiting place.

Will I again be too full to accept my fill of grace?