Simply loud thoughts...

Its weight suffocates my breath

Ah but for who, what and why?

Ah unrequited love

Unrequited loves

Ah yes, for none have ended up as in the fairy tales...

I write, write and write

Am I a romantic?

I wonder

I had never thought myself to be so

I don’t think myself to be like those girls on film

I write, write and write

In all these words

my feelings are well hidden

For even if they are read,

That doesn’t leave me agonizing over every little thing I might have done wrong

Tulips - perfect and deep love, ideal to give to someone who you have a deep, unconditional love for

No

I want to start writing on that blank page

Painting on that white canvas

I want to stop flipping through those empty pages expecting to find something different

I want to fill those pages

For me

I want to be ok to make mistakes on those pages

I want to accept the way I think and function

I no longer want to stunt myself

Relying on the excuse, ‘oh that’s just the way I am.’

I want to be comfortable in changing

Because growth is constant movement

And that growth is beautiful

And I am beautiful and magnificent

And I deserve more than I have been giving myself

And that is the only thing I should feel sorry for

I want to validate myself, everyday

Do something for myself everyday

Remember myself everyday

I want to feel ok to be alone with myself

(Because as much as that’s something I crave, it scares me)

I have so many empty notebooks on my shelves and in my drawers, I want to fill them up, every page

Not as a chore, something meaningful

For however long it takes

I want to learn to be patient with myself

I want to be unconditional with myself

Love myself unconditionally

Be my own best friend

(Cuz DAMN I am a pretty awesome friend)

I want to be that person that I keep searching for on the outside

The one that tells me, ‘I believe in you’, ‘I support you’, ‘I love you’

You can do this

I want to learn to wander and to dream again

I want to see all of it through to the very end

I want to be my everything

I no longer want to be tolerant of being tied down

I want to be truly happy

I don’t want to give up just because others around me have done so

If they see it as ‘foolish hope’ so be it

At least I will know for myself

And even if I have the same end

At least I can say it’s not because I didn’t try to prove it wrong

And I’m gonna have a hell of a time in doing it

Of course I want to keep all the important people of my life in mind in all of this too

Stay balanced

First of all find balance

As much as I want romantic love

I’m not ready for it

And I’m happy that it’s not something I have tying me down right now

Cuz’ I’m realizing, I’ve tried to lay down roots when I haven’t even learned to fly

I want to be an all around healthy person

I really want to pursue my writing

I think I have been scared because I’m worried that it will have an end, that it will dry up

But how can something have an ending that has never begun

I want to do things that are important to me

I want to find the things that are important to me

There is so much in me

And I want to embrace myself for it

I don’t want my life to revolve around someone else only

I want to be at the center

The calmest part of the storm is in the eye

I want to move forward from here

And I want that to be ok

Because it is ok

It’s more than ok

I wish I could be happy running circles