I just need to vent somewhere and this place seems to do the trick. I just feel so fucking weird today. Iāve been trying to work out but the girl i work out with is weirdly competitive and doesnāt understand like, the differences in our physical ability. like, she keeps commenting on how weird it is that I canāt do a push up, even though our max length for planks is the same and I can do pole holds and stuff. and its like, Iāve never really been in good shape, ive always just been one of those really naturally skinny type of girls who donāt have much stamina or strength and im really trying to change that now but its just so hard because I donāt have anyone thats in the same sort of starting place as me. Also I feel so fucking stressed and depressed all the time. I keep looking for something to do. Iām too fucking tired to work out right now, and iāve already studied for class and I keep telling myself I need to watch full metal alchemist or read clash of kings because theyve been on my list forever and i need to keep being productive and I just fucking cant. I don;t even want to do anything. normally I just rewatch the same old youtube videos over and over but i dont want to do that either
I feel a lot of pressure to succeed right now. I work a dead end job and i;m in school for something better but I already got a creative degree and i would like to show everyone that it wasnāt for nothing. i wish I could say I would love to start a business but I think IdĀ rather eat dirt. thats the same way I felt about this degree thou, and here i am. i want to feel like I didnāt just waste a ton of time and money on my art degree, and show everyone that I have what it takes to be successful. but I would rather just fucking sleep in to be honest. my only motivation is just so that people will beleive im successful. sometimes i think about just making it up, like, just saying i have a photography business and that iām making money off of it so that I can post about it and get the feedback and pretend like its real, but the people I actually want to impress would know the truth, so that wouldnāt work anyways. I want to prove I can be more. I always feel like I could be more productive.I even feel the need to be productive with my relaxation time by consuming media I would rather not so that i can participate in the discussion surrounding it with others. I feel like my life is not my own and that success is soley driven on the basis of impressing other people. I make myself feel guilty for relaxing in a way that doesnāt benefit me. i hate it.Ā
