THE ART OF INFINITE FINITY

i whisper before every test. i get my test back: it’s red all over, my teacher expresses disappointment and worry.

“aced it!”

I’m back after hiatus to shitpost in honor of July 31st & resurrect some old memes yay

ISFJ

INFP

ESFJ

ESFP

ENFJ 

INFJ

ESTP

ISTP

INTP

ENTP

ENFP

ENTJ 

ISFP

I STJ

INTJ

ESTJ

I am sorry, but I miss the normal you. Before this obsession, when we had conversations, remember? This whole ranking thing, just comparing yourself to people who only pretend to be happy.

Endless list of favourite films: Pride and Prejudice (2005).

Don’t give up. When I was in college, during my Freshmen year I tried my best to make friends, but it was really difficult since I had to live with my grandparents and commute to school since my parents couldn’t afford for me to live at the dorms, nor could they have me eat at the cafeteria on campus.

While I tried to connect with people during student orientation, and tried to in my classes, it was hard because there were so many experiences that I missed out on because I didn’t live on campus, and couldn’t eat at the cafeteria to socialize.

It wasn’t until someone reached out to me in a class and asked if I’d like to go to join a school club with her, that it helped a bit just to talk to new people. Joining a school club might help you get to know new people, too.

As for failing a class. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. I know it’s hard when you have a perception of your past self, as you’ve said. When I was in high school, I had a really high GPA, was involved in a lot of clubs, had lots of friends, and kept on getting chosen to be in leadership programs as a representative of my school, or have my artwork displayed at a gallery showing.

When I went to college, that person changed. I felt disconnected, sad, lonely, and depressed. Despite that, though, I kept on trying with my classes, but there was one particular class that I failed, which was a lecture hall marketing class. I was extremely embarrassed to tell my parents and grandparents that I had failed marketing and would need to take it over again, because it was a requirement for graduation.

But, my Grandma was very understanding about it, and wanted to hear why I struggled with the class, and what we could do to try to give it all of our best the second time around. So, we figured out that taking the online option for Marketing would be more manageable. Taking it the second time, but online, was much better. I passed with an 89, which was so close to an A-. It made me feel better, because even though I failed the first time, I tried again with all of my effort.

So, my advice to you is to either not give up and find alternative ways to make things work, or to possibly discuss taking a gap year and pause your education, maybe work in the meantime, and then go back to school and continue where you left off. Either way, talk it over with your parents ahead of time and figure out what works best, or discuss what you’re worried about currently.

A couple of my friends from high school didn’t graduate on when they were projected to graduate because they had so many required classes. One friend stayed an extra year in college to get her degree finished. And another friend had triple majors, so she also stayed an extra year. No matter how long it takes to get there, education is a different pace for everyone and that is okay.

There isn’t a race on who can graduate on time, and get there the fastest. And everyone lives different lives. The important thing is to not compare yourself to others’ successes, or your past self because you are different now than you were in the past, and you are on your own journey.

when your post doesn’t get notes

Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, it’s scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didn’t think I would hurt her. But see, that doesn’t matter. It wasn’t a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; it’s a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDN’T trust you.)

Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.

I used to be horrible about this, because I didn’t realize how intimidating it was. I didn’t understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didn’t matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.

I get that when passions are high, and when you’re frustrated, it’s a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. I’m not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.

History is littered with the bodies of women who believed a man “would never.” This includes women killed by men who honestly, deeply, truly believed they “would never”… right up until she said that one thing or moved in just that way and he just got so mad, just that once, and pushed her or punched her or slashed her or shot her… just once, y’know, to shut her up, or because she was flinching and didn’t she know that HE’S NOT LIKE THAT and I’LL TEACH HER TO BE AFRAID OF ME…

We are trained, from infancy, that Men With Loud Voices are a source of pain from which we cannot escape, and attempts to escape may result in more pain. And as soon as we’re old enough to comprehend a world broader than our immediate circle, a world that extends into the past and will run into the future, we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men “would never” and which men “would never… except if.”

We live or die on that “if.” And any man who doesn’t like facing that hyper-vigilance can work on fixing OTHER MEN, not women’s fear.

The reaction shouldn’t be “not all men are like that;” it should be “no woman should have to live in fear.”

My ex, as gentle a man you could hope to meet, did this once, along with grabbing me by the neck and pinning me to the wall because I was doing something he didn’t want me to do. 

my partner used to be a head chef in a resort, used to build cars and he’s a manager in a factory, he’s used to yelling at everything and everyone when stuff isn’t working but once he realised how painful it was for me he controls himself when I’m there and comes and finds me to explain why he was mad when he’s calmer (so I stop freaking out that it’s my fault).

he’s a loud, explosive, confident man with a hair trigger temper and he can still pull himself together and control that anger for the most part around me now, so there’s no “but I’m just like that” or “I can’t help it” excuses to be had.

But when he knew he couldn’t outplay me, or when he was trying to assert some self-imagined dominance, his favorite last resort was raising his voice and trying to physically intimidate me. My defense mechanism was always to harden myself, to develop a stone-cold pokerface, head held high. I always steeled myself for any physical attack, especially since I was physically smaller than him, and so was my Mom, who, more often than I’d like to remember, took his side. And my mind’s response was always “Whatever physical or verbal attack comes next, I will not submit, I will not give in, they will find me with my face etched in stone.”

Even now, when a man raises his voice - especially where I live now, where almost every man around me is much larger than i am - my automatic response is to steel myself and and adopt that stubborn emotionless expression that says that however you might try to hurt me, I am untouchable. Even if the raised voices don’t result in an altercation.