Doormouse

Chapter 6 of to live for the hope of it all

Chapter 5 of to live for the hope of it all

Chapter Three

bellyconklin liked your photo. 

I try blinking the sleep out of my eyes a few times, then check the notification on my phone again. Is this real? 

I’m so busy wrapping my brain around the idea that Conrad’s Isabel found my Instagram account that I completely misjudge the distance between me and my bedpost. I walk right into it and stub my toe. 

“Shit! Ow!” I cry out. I double over, resting my hand on my duvet. I take a deep breath and defeatedly sit on the floor next to my suitcase. 

With one hand clutching my foot, I use the other to unlock my phone and pull up the post. My notifications show that bellyconklin did in fact like my photo. I tap on the image to see what part of myself was interesting to her. 

I’m looking at an old photo of myself from high school. I’m crouched down next to Sonny, our family Goldendoodle. My hair is whipping around my face, despite it being pulled back into a low ponytail. Half my face is buried in Sonny, but you can tell I’m smiling. 

I posted this ages ago. 

Holy shit. She instagram stalked me?

My first instinct is to go back and screenshot the notification to send it to Conrad. I’d love to ask him why she’s checking out my instagram. However, as I return to the notification page, it refreshes and her name disappears. 

Wait, what? 

I refresh the page again. Nothing. I go to my account and find the photo. I search her name in the likes and still nothing. 

She… unliked it? Did I hallucinate it?

My phone lights up with a text from Conrad. 

Morning! Let me know when you’re boarding your flight. 

I heart the message and respond. 

Okay, control freak. As if you won’t check my shared location on your phone anyway. 

Three bubbles emerge and seconds later I have his reply: the middle finger emoji. 

———————————————————————————

The air vent blows in my face as I walk through the automatic doors exiting the airport to the Arrivals section. I scan the cars lined up at the curb until I spot Conrad’s Range Rover. As I walk over, we make eye contact through the windshield. He smiles wide at the sight of me — Shit. Don’t look at me like that. 

And then, I look beside him in the passenger seat… Isabel. The one and only. I do everything I can to act natural, but of course, that’s when the simple act of moving one foot in front of the other goes from being second nature to me, to an alien that is adjusting to life in their first human body.

Conrad gets out of the car to help me with my bags. Our fingers graze as he takes ahold of the handle of my suitcase. 

Stars. Stars in my eyes and the swiftest full body chill that leaves the hair on my arms standing up right. He’s smiling at me. The crinkle of his eyes, his cheekbones high up on his face, the up-turned curve of his lips — it’s all enough to make me cry happy, salty, complicated tears because I want all the good things in the world for this person. And I know that one of the biggest, best, and important things that could happen for him is with someone who will be in this car. And it’s not me. 

I let go of the handle and before I can say anything, he’s pulling me into a hug. I put my arm around him, too. Pang. A dull ache blooms in my chest. We pull apart and he turns away. I busy myself with my other bag. I take it off my shoulder and follow him around to the back of the car.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” He says as he opens the trunk.

“Me too.” I’m staring at my feet.

“Here, let me take that.” 

I look up and step forward before we accidentally make contact again. “I got it.” I set my bag down next to my suitcase and try to catch my breath. 

“Hi! I’m Belly.”

My head jerks up. 

“Hey! I—” I respond. 

“Watch out for a second,” I turn and step back as Conrad presses the button that closes the trunk door. 

We each hop in the car. I slide into the backseat and buckle into the middle seat. With nothing else to distract myself with, I brace myself and look at her. She has her arm on the middle console, her chin resting on her shoulder. She smiles at me. Ouch.  

Her smile is like feeling the sun on your skin, warm and pleasant. It reaches wide across her face like a child’s unadulterated joy. All at once you feel at peace, welcomed, home. Her eyes are soft and genuine. A hug from a lifelong friend. I get it.

“I’m Agnes.” I say, smiling back. 

“I’ve heard a lot about you.”

My eyes briefly dart over to Conrad in the rearview mirror. He doesn’t look back. He’s focused on merging into traffic out of the airport. 

“Good things I hope.”

She lets out a reassuring laugh, “Yeah, nothing but good things about his friend.” Her eyebrows raise like air quotes around the word. I furrow my eyebrows slightly in confusion.

She continues, “How long have you two been together now, anyway?” 

My mouth falls open, but nothing comes out for a beat. Conrad is quiet, too. Then, I see it. The question in her look. It’s uncertain and wavering. I know the curiosity that comes from forced neutrality. This isn’t easy for her. Which means she’s not as indifferent to him as he thinks she is. There’s hope for him. 

I smile brightly and lean forward, so I’m hugging the back of Conrad’s seat. I rest my cheek on the headrest and place a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it softly.

“5 months.” I feel him tense under my touch, and I rub his shoulder and give it another squeeze, like morse code. It’s okay. Just go with it. 

Her smile, now close-mouthed, tugs across her face like a rose struggling to bloom. “Wow. That’s — that’s amazing.”

“Thanks. Yeah,” I take care to shoot Conrad a loving gaze, “we’re really happy.” I reach out and pinch his cheek. “Right, Connie?”. 

He can’t help, but let out a laugh and replies in a playfully condescending tone, “Right, Aggie.” This time I laugh, more at the pure absurdity of the pet name than anything else. Regardless, it works in our favor because Belly has to look away before continuing the conversation. 

I’m sorry. I don’t like hurting you. I’m doing this for him. For both of you.

Chapter Two

“You’re coming back?” I kick off my running shoes by the front door of my apartment and cross to the kitchen.

“Yeah…”. 

I lean my back against the cool granite counter, closing my eyes. 

I started, but the words hung there. I know what I should say. I should say, ‘You should stay. You can do it. I believe in you!’. Though all I can think is, Come back to me. 

I feel the dull ache in my bones. A weight that seems to drag me closer and deeper into the depths each time I allow my mind to wander to the image of him here with me. My throat feels thick as I choke down the truth.

“Wait, I thought you already decided you’d stay? What happened?”

“Nothing.” I hear the sound of fabric meeting fabric, then a zipper being pulled shut. “I just think it’s better this way.” 

“For who?”

He’s quiet for a moment. A bed creaks as he takes a steadying breath. 

“Um, I mean, for everyone I guess.”

I open my eyes and my gaze finds the polaroid of Conrad and I on my fridge. A ghost of a smile tugs at my lips thinking of us then. Conrad with his arms crossed, a beer in one hand. He looks guarded and sheepish. Eager to connect, but always holding back. I’m there next to him, flashing a toothy smile and a peace sign at the camera. It’s comical seeing us side by side like this. I look at how my body leans in his direction. My cheeks grow hot. It’s obvious, isn’t it? How drawn to you I am? I force my eyes to look away.

“What’re you running from?”

“Agnes.”

“Conrad.” 

He lets out a strained laugh. I bite my lip, fighting back a smile. All the atoms in my body light up from hearing each of his little idiosyncrasies. I love it and hate it. 

Through the phone, the bed creaks again. Footsteps pad against the hardwood floor.

“What’s the worst that could happen if you stay?”

A cupboard opens and closes. Water running into a glass.

“I die. Everyone dies. The Earth opens up and swallows us whole.”

“So, nothing major.”

He laughs again. He sips from the glass for a beat, then sighs. 

“I just didn’t expect it.”

“Expect what?” 

“My chest… hurting like this. Still.” 

I suck in a breath. 

He continues, “I just didn’t think it was possible.” 

My head falls back. Oh, believe me. It’s possible. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can think to say. 

“Thanks.” He says dryly.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know — I, uh, I wish you here.”

My heart bats against my ribcage with one swift thud, then stills. My mind and body loses sense of all feeling and time. 

Say something! 

Say something! He’s waiting!

“I —“ 

“Hey, Conrad?” A feminine voices calls out. 

I freeze. 

Conrad clears his throat. “Yeah?” His voice sounds muffled.

I can't make out what they're saying. I picture Conrad cradling me through his phone on his chest. My heart likes to think he's protecting us from the outside world. Our own little bubble. Though, my brain says, maybe he's keeping me a secret. Someone who only matters when he's across the country away from the love of his life.

“Con?” I practically whimper. Don’t forget about me. I’m still here. 

“Con?” I try again a little louder and steadier. 

“Oh, I - uh, uh - shit, um hold on.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t realize” She says.

“No, no, no, it’s just — my friend. One sec.” 

Friend. 

He fumbles with the phone for a minute before his voice rings clear through the receiver again. “Hey, thanks for…everything”. 

I swallow hard. 

“Yeah. Of course. Tell Isabel I say ‘hi’.” I’m surprised at how even my voice sounds. How unbothered and genuine it reads.

I hear his breath hitch. God, just the sound of her name makes him weak with want. 

“Yeah.”

“Talk later?” It's quiet for a beat. I pull my phone away from my ear to check if the call is still going. Did he hang up already? No, he's still there. I put my phone back to my ear.

“You should come out here.”

I freeze. “What?”

“Come stay in Cousins with me.” 

I feel the course of my life split open from my chest and divide before me. If I go, what will be waiting for me? I know it’s killing him to be there alone, but will it kill me being around him? Being around the Isabel? If I stay, how can I live with myself for not being there for him? Will this change how close we are? What if this becomes the catalyst of us fazing each other out?

“Okay.” It’s an out of body experience. I can’t even feel the vibration of my vocal chords as I speak. Has someone taken over my body? 

He’s talking again, but I can’t focus. I realize I’m nodding along, as if he can see me. 

“We’ll talk more later, okay? Bye.”

My voice is barely audible, "Bye."

The call ends and I stare at my phone in my hands. 

Chapter One

This is a love story. 

Not my own, of course. I know my role in this. I’m here to get them together. I’m merely a tool to facilitate the rekindling of their past. Their ever-present love for one another. It’s undeniable. I’m not about to try and convince myself otherwise. What would be the point? He’s already made it clear to me how he feels. 

This wasn’t the plan initially, but when your friend asks for your help, sometimes, what you want can’t be a factor. You have to set aside your own self-interest to help them get what they want, what they need. 

We were seeing each other casually. No labels or commitment. It was convenience that brought us together. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I had tested the waters with him before. I wanted to know where we were headed. If there was a “we” to even think about. Although he tried to keep his walls up about it, he was honest with me. At least, I know where I stand with him. 

At least, now, I can be there for him as a friend. That’s what he needs right now. He called me a few weeks into summer. We all had gone our separate ways at the end of the semester. Some went on vacation, others had internships and summer jobs, and people like Conrad and I, went home. It wasn’t until tonight that he told me he was thinking of coming back to stay in San Francisco instead. Now, I know that, that news was nothing compared to what he was going to tell me. The real reason he called me. 

“Wait, you mean - they’re there? Right now?”

“No… but they will be. Soon.” He sounded far away. I could practically hear the thoughts flooding his mind. Loud and overwhelming, like he was caught in a crashing wave. 

“How soon?” I sat down on my bed, trying to ground myself. Sometimes when he was like this, I could find myself getting caught, too. I had to focus on the information if I wanted to be there for him properly. 

He was quiet on the other end. All I could hear was his breathing. I pictured him standing in the beach house, his gaze miles away and standing so still, you might think he wasn’t real. 

“Con? Con, when are they gonna be —” 

“They’re getting married.” He said, interrupting me. Even over the phone I could tell he didn’t mean to cut me off. He was so lost in the moment that once he came back he couldn’t have  realized that I was speaking before then. 

“Woah. That seems — sudden.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Con?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m not mistaken, right? This is — we’re talking about, Isabel. Right?” 

I could hear him sucking in a deep breath before he said, “Yeah.” 

“Shit.”

“… Yeah.” 

I sat there. I needed to fully absorb what this meant for him. His brother was marrying the only girl he has ever been in love with. The girl he was still in love with. I pulled my phone away from my ear and put him on speaker before I opened up Google on my phone. My hands were steady, but fast as I typed. 

“Okay… what can I do?” 

“What?” 

“How can I be here for you right now?” 

“You don’t have to —”

“Conrad.” I said calmly. “You don’t have to go through this alone. I fully respect whatever you think best for you, but just let me help. If I can. If not me, is there anyone out there that can give you a break from all of this?” 

He paused. “Yeah I have some friends here. I could probably crash with them every now and then if it gets to be too much.”

“Okay!” I said hopefully. “Good, I’m glad you have options.” 

“Me too.” He said softly. 

I took a deep breath before speaking. “And… you know, if it’s something you would want at any point or need… I — 

Breathe. You would offer this to any one of your friends going through something like this. It’s not a big deal. 

That’s a lie, though. It is a big deal. Part of me hates when I make myself this available for people. Don’t say it. I look back down at my phone screen. Plane ticket prices from San Francisco to Cousins look back at me from my hands. 

“Agnes, are you there?” 

I close out the tab, dismissing the thought. I had to have boundaries. “I can always be here to talk to you over the phone. It can be like those bad date emergency calls.” He laughed then. I smiled and let out a little chuckle myself. “You can just text me a code word or something  and I’ll call with some dramatic reason for you to leave the room.” 

Our laughter died down and I could hear the smile in his voice when he said, “Thank you, Agnes. Really. I appreciate you…” He trailed off. “I know I may not deserve your friendship, but it means a lot that you were willing to talk with me about — all of this.” 

I wish he didn’t do that. Punish himself like that. I don’t know exactly where that stems from for him, but it kills me that he so often thinks he isn’t worthy of good things, feelings, or people. I love this boy. 

“You are more than deserving. I’m just grateful that I get to be here. In any way I can. I know… we’ve had kind of a — confusing friendship before, but I’m really happy that we’re still in each other’s lives. I don’t want to lose that.” 

He let out a breath then that sounded as if I surprised him by saying that. That happened sometimes with him. I could see on his face when I caught him off guard. It was kind of funny and sweet hearing it this time. I could tell it wasn’t like the other times. Before it always felt like we were on two different planes of existence and he would be shocked when we made contact, but this time — I don’t know. I don’t want to fool myself into thinking anything that will get my hopes up, but it feels like he was able to really hear me this time. And he was happy about it, too. At least, that’s what it sounded like.