My obsessions.

Carmy stops in his search for her on the dance floor for a moment, to take a deep breath.

It’s gonna be… fine.

Sydney’s in a really good mood tonight. She’s laughing so much with him. She’s touchy. She’s open. She teases him. She behaves as if she likes him. She’s absolutely… fuck, like a dream come true.

And what they did in the back of The Bear’s van twenty minutes ago was not just fucking, it was… something more.

The way she looked at him like he meant something to her. The way she smiled like she cherished him. The words that his logical mind would guess she said just to turn him on, but his heart still heard them as simple sweet truths on her lips.

How she let him say love to her.

How he’s pretty sure they almost kissed again.

He can already say this is pretty much the best night of his entire fucking life. If he died this second, he’d die a happy man. Because it’s all so different than before. Something changed between them. He can actually believe that he can make things right.

So yeah. It’s gonna be okay. He’s not gonna fuck up their whole relationship with a pizza order.

So he takes another big breath, and continues to look for her again.

Carmy finds her in the same quiet corner outside of the club as before, away from the crowd and the food trucks. She’s not stretching her body this time, but leaning against the wall, looking at her phone.

“Syd,” he calls out, lifting another bottle of water he got for her. “Hey, I was just thinking–”

But the words die on his tongue as Sydney looks up at him.

Something’s wrong. Something’s very wrong.

That shine from her gaze, the upward curve of her lips are nowhere to be found. As she stares at him, her face looks… detached. Cold.

It stops him in his tracks. His arm with the bottle falls to his side, all his limbs suddenly heavy.

He was running on this Sydney-induced high all night, but now he has a nasty, sinking feeling in his stomach.

Carmy clears his throat before he forces the words out. “What’s up?” Hoping he just misread the signs.

Sydney looks back at her phone. There’s a long pause before she answers. “Nothing, I… I think I’m going home.”

His fingers start to tap on his thigh on their own as he shifts his weight. Something’s not fucking right.

He still tries to act normal. “Yeah, um… Okay, should we– Should we say bye to the others?” He gestures towards the club.

But then she says, not even glancing at him. “No, you stay.”

3x05

This is the first time we see Carmy working on this dish, and he's utterly unsatisfied with it. He throws it out angrily, and we can see that it's not the first plate with the same fate.

What is crazy here is the lyrics. It's the song Purple Heather by Van Morrison. It's a live version that has slightly different lyrics than the original one:

Well, the summertime has gone // And the leaves are gently turning // And my love, I wanna take you // To the place my heart is yearning // Will you go, child go

(In contrast with the original lyrics that have "heart-a-yearning" and "lassie go" instead)

For me, it reads like: more than a month has passed since the opening night, more than a month spent in yelling and chaos and lack of joy and amusement, but the leaves are gently turning, aka Carmy can't supress his need and his desire forever, he wants, he yearns to go out with Sydney, so he's starting to work on himself = the lamb dish.

But it's not perfect, and if it's not perfect, it doesn't go out. If he's not perfect, he doesn't go out.

In the same episode, we have another lamb dish, with the dusty mint gelée, lmao.

It's after everyone got the news about Ever closing. Which leads to Carmy asking Syd out two episodes later.

I love Carmy's face when Syd tells him it's good and excellent. It's like she spat in his face when she doesn't tell him it's perfect. Which the lamb and he both need to be to be worthy of her.

I also love their dialogue at the end of the scene. "Did you know when you were there? That it was special?" "I don't know, I don't know, I think– I think I was always too busy to know all the time." And the way his face changes in the middle of the sentence, like he just realizes he's actually talking about being with Sydney and collaborating, hanging out with her before he started avoiding her in s2.

3x09

The infamous sublimation dish, which I wrote a long ass post about here.

But basically, Syd asks him, "Are you good?" "I'm gonna crack it eventually." "I didn't mean the plate." This further proves the theory that Carmy's working on himself through the lamb dish, to be perfect, to finally be allowed to go out with Sydney.

Then they talk about how it's Sunday tomorrow. The day Carmy dreads the most, because he has nothing to do, the restaurant's closed, and he still doesn't know who he is outside of the kitchen. Then they talk about the Ever funeral, and Sydney says that he's gonna see all those incredible people, but Carmy seems really nervous as he replies, "It's gonna be... everyone."

And we know how Sydney calms him down, we have many pieces of evidence throughout the show, so it's only logical that out of pure instinct (after the biggest pause full of nervousness and lip quivering), he asks her out, because at this point, he's incapable of not.

Then he says he wants to talk about something, but it's obvious to the viewer and Sydney that he wants to talk about something else (he wants to talk about them!!), but he chickens out again.

He stares at the dish, which is inspired by Syd's scarf (after 3x07, we have confirmation that he pays close attention to her appearance), and what I think is really cute is that those red things on the side look like a heart. It's like he painted her with food – the lamb is her face, the sauce is her scarf – and he's so full of love that he painted a red heart next to it.

BUT the sauce breaks – it's not perfect. And if it's not perfect, it doesn't go out. So Carmy's reminded that he's not worthy of her. He looks at the surprise cart – which represents joy and surprise, and Richie, who was the one who triggered him to start to avoid Syd in 2x03 (see in the meta linked above).

The fridge music starts to play, like he remembers how he let Sydney down and left her alone. Then Strange Currencies also starts to play with that "second chance, third chance, fourth chance" lyrics, and Carmy goes into the walk-in, trying to call Cl*ire and apologize. Like he remembered how he fumbled Sydney, and how the real obstacle between them is not really how perfect he is within the restaurant – he needs to get better in his relationships, too.

So I think he tries to apologize to Cl*ire to clear the table, to step up, to be a better man, because he recognizes he needs to change in order to be in any kinda romantic relationship. But he's still not capable of doing that, he can't apologize. So this funeral could've been a date – but he made sure it wasn't, in the next ep. Maybe that's what made him wanna confront Fields, too – the need to change, to be better, to finally be perfect and ready.

We see another of his attempts to work on the lamb.

It's Sunday, their day off, the day of their "date", and he's trying to draw it, but he just can't. He comes up empty.

Maybe it's another shot at finally perfecting it, so it can be a real date?

Or maybe he realized he was painting Sydney on the plate, and he got scared, so he was forcing himself to draw inspiration from other places? So he remembers all those times when he was inspired, and he tries to attune into that by looking at those cooking books?

But it's no use, of course.

This scene is also intercut with Sydney, bringing food to Nat, his sister, like a real family member would. Then she takes a stop to take a moment by the water. Like their dilemma is about each other.

More than that, the music that plays in this scene was specifically written for the show. It's Blowing Kisses by Jennifer Castle. You can read the whole lyrics here. I really think it's from Carmy's POV, about how he's doing this in Sydney's honor, how he's doing this for her, how he fumbles his words, so he won't use them, but his heart's still in it, his dedication is a star, and all his actions are his little kisses, and he hopes she feels them, and that she knows what he's doing.

SEASON 4

Not strictly lamb-related, but I think what happened in 4x03 is pretty similar to what happened during the sublimation dish scene. Sydney's scallop is more than perfect. He realizes she doesn't need him in the kitchen anymore, maybe she never has. So he knows he really needs to step up outside of it, too. And I think that's what pushes him to finally go to Cl*ire and apologize – doing the thing he couldn't do in 3x09. To clear the table.

But his talk/fight with Cl*ire made him realize that apologizing is not enough. I think what Cl*ire said at the end sparked the drastic sudden decision to call Pete to write himself out of the agreement. She said, "If we could push past how scary it was, it could've [been] (...) also incredible." And he very well knows (maybe not consciously, though, but I think yes) that Sydney is the good he's been afraid of since season 1, also see the under-the-table scene in 4x07 where he says he's not afraid of peace but math (an inside joke with Sydney). So after his fight with Cl*ire, he tragically has to realize that apologizing does not magically solve his problems, so he needs to do something else. He needs to risk it all, not to be Sydney's boss anymore, not to play safe by projecting their relationship onto the restaurant – so he plans to quit.

Also, in this season we don't see him throwing out the lamb – it's like he realizes it's not really about the food, it's about something else, and he feels like he's going in the right direction, so his reaction to its "imperfection" is so much milder. I think.

4x05

We see him again working on the lamb, it's also the first time they see each other since the updated partnership agreement.

They talk about the changes he made – fixed menu, Luca. He apologizes for not being consistent, for not being a partner she can rely on (like he knows her father is from 2x02), and he calls her Syd when he says that, because it's a personal matter to him. He says he'll get her a cleaver, he'll provide for her. He wants to give her the space to talk, he wants to listen to her. And he wants to talk to her about the partnership agreement.

Syd notices the lamb, and asks, "Still stuck on the lamb?" and he answers, "Forever, it seems, yeah." But he's not angry about it anymore. He's going in the right direction. It's really scary, because if he's not at the restaurant, there's no guarantee that she'll be in his life. But he's gotta face his fears. It's also a bit like gambling, he can win it all or lose it all. We can also consider Sydney's gambling bandana in season 5.

But their talk is interrupted by Nat and Sophie, and then by the phone call from the hospital.

4x08

Between this episode and the last time the lamb was mentioned, their interactions were purely personal: they stood together, side by side, when Richie was holding Sophie, like they were family. He wanted to go with her to the hospital, to drive her, to be there for her. Their phone talk was so soft, he asked her to let him be with her, told her to ask for anything she needs, they exchanged the "I appreciate you."

At the wedding, Carmy started to panic and instinctively looked for Sydney in the crowd. It was her voice that made him finally snap out of this freeze-mode, not Richie's. He introduced her as simply "Syd" to Donna, and "my friend, Syd" to Stevie. Sydney was handling Donna for him, telling her about the best meal of her life, while Apron Strings is playing in the background, in which the singer tells the mother of her lover how she wants her son to tie her apron strings lmao. There's that conversation between them and Stevie, where they act so married, Stevie could easily think Syd is Carmy's plus one or his significant other. There's the under-the-table exchange that's a parallel to the "I like this" moment in 4x01, and it's also an inner joke between Carmy and Syd.

Also, more importantly, the wedding was the first time in the whole show where they spent time together outside of the restaurant AND not working, not cooking. Just being friends, as Carmy said. And they clearly liked it.

So in 4x08, we see two versions of the lamb dish Carmy's working on, and one is clearly inspired by the dress Syd wore at the wedding.

And the dish is just... there. There's barely any focus on it, we don't see Carmy contemplating it, or not satisfied with it, Syd doesn't ask for details (but she takes a photo of it, and I really hope it'll come back!). It's just there. Such a long way from angrily throwing it out.

And I think it's because Carmy feels that he is going in the right direction – to be Sydney's friend, to be someone to her outside of the restaurant. But it's still not perfect, he's still experimenting – because even though they acted as friends at the wedding, it was still a circumstantial hangout. They didn't have to put themselves out there and ask each other out.

I think that's what's missing. For the disguise of the restaurant to really fall off, a moment where they can't pretend any longer that they both crave the other's presence in their lives. To be just them, without excuses. For them to be brave and face their feelings, knowing they're risking it all.

So that's why I really think Carmy will crack this dish when that happens. Asking her out, or him being crystal clear that he wants to ask her out, some kind of realization maybe. Or as the synopsis for season 5 says, perfect means the people.

5x02 is called Lamb, so fingers crossed. We also saw shots of lamb in the trailer/teasers. We also have the menu that was printed on some crew wrap gifts, and we see that the seventh dish on it is lamb with aligot. Aligot is made with potatoes and cheese, it's a cheesy thing... So maybe it's gonna be some cheesy reveal, making it clear to every viewer how it's a love story? I don't know, but I really have so much hope!