The Improbable Gallifreyan

omg the pug in the sweater running into the frame at the end.

ok but imagine a roomba that’s programmed to react positively when being scratched or petted 

#or a roomba that’s programmed to recognize their owner and drive up to them for no other reason than to be petted

I have a Neato Botvac that has an optical sensor to find its way around (Roombas just bump into things and derps off in a random direction) and yesterday it did its “dee-dummm” sad noise while under the couch, stopped what it was doing, and hummed over to me and stopped beside my chair, with its error message saying, “Please dust me off so I can see.” I wiped it off and sent it on its way, and it did its “doo doo do doooo!” of happiness and finished the living room. It’s never done that before, but I like to think that I’ve gained its trust over the past few months, and it knows it can come to me for help.

astronaut…………

funniest april fools prank ive EVER done…………..ok imagine youre my dad. you walk into the kitchen and your plucky little daughter offers you a mug of orange juice, barely containing her giggles. you look up and see a gallon of orange juice next to a bottle of windex with the cap removed & a thing of epsom salt. you grimace and say, “honey is there anything in this?”. she laughs, looks evasive, and says “noooo…….”. you’re a good and maybe overly-people-pleasing person so you decide to pretend all is well and take the tiniest, tiniest sip of the juice. she immediately laughs and says “APRIL FOOLS!!!”. you run to the sink and spit it out with dramatic flair. shes laughing. you turn all serious now and say “honey i know you like making jokes but cleaning supplies can seriously–” and before you can finish she takes the mug and polishes it off. there was nothing in the mug but juice. i FUCKING got him

can we appreciate that OP’s dad was gonna drink windex just so his daughter’s joke would land?

yeah my dads nice and dumb i love him

I think we could all use this on our dashes.

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fucking superb you funky little felon

Raccoons are the worst. You expect them to go through your stuff and steal your food while you’re camping, but they don’t stop there - half the time, they’ll be curious enough to come over and touch you. They prod your sleeping body with their horrible little people hands, run their claws through your hair, hold your fingers with their own. I’ve never been aggressively menaced by one, but they’ve slapped my ass through hammock fabric on multiple occasions and stroked my face or hands on others. I’ve played tug-of-war with large raccoons through my window when they grabbed the string to the yarn-and-cup telephone I’d set up with my neighbor.

They come into the cabins at camp every night. I’ve never had one touch any of my campers, but that’s only because I sleep with my hand curled around the handle of a broomstick and have trained myself to recognize their snuffling and scrabbling. I have leapt out of a bunk to sweep them forcefully out of the cabin in the dead of night, to sleepy tween boys whispering “Wow… you’re like a superhero…”

What if I want little hair goblins to sneak in at night and gently touch my face with their weird tiny fingers

then boy do I have the place for you

I’m sorry I’m over here laughing my ass off because someone got their ass slapped by a raccoon… oh please karma be kind, it’s just so ridiculous sounding but I know every word of it is true. XDDD

There’s nothing more disconcerting than almost drifting off in the coziness of your hammock, only for a wee little hand to pat-pat-pat right on your ass through the fabric.

what if 🤔 you defeated me in battle 😔 and when you tilted my head up with your blade beneath my chin 🗡️ we accidentally kissed 💋😳