Hello there.

Congratulations for reaching our highest tier of driver! Now would you please take absolutely criminal pay for not only more distance than the money is worth but also two orders at once that we're grouping together so we don't have to pay you the delivery fee twice? Thank you again for being a Platinum Dasher <3

i can be your angel. i can be your guard dog. i can be your doll. i can be your puppet. i can be your mutt. i can be your forever. i can be anything. all i need from you is your unwavering love and devotion. i’ll give you my everything as long as you’ll stay. stay and be mine. stay, and give me everything.

Pun I thought you mean blasphemous in the biblical sense and nearly flipped my goddamn lid trying to decipher what about gnome hats was an affront against god

the best part is the motion blur implies he’s actively accelerating down the road sideways

That's. A hell of a sentence.

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Sorry! We threw out your luggage because it was giving the airplane a tummy ache

The guy who makes these posts in the hvac subreddit a lot and I love his memes

I found home between your arms.

@bmwiid

@is-the-bird-video-cute how or why are they so in sync?? Im so curious!

A walrus selkie whose human form is a short stout bald man with a muttonchop beard that still kind of looks like a walrus