The Nature of Endemic Ties

Begin when upon a door that is knocked

I don't count the tears I've cried when I'm with you That's the beauty of a good love The only pain is when you're gone and I miss you You're more than an anecdote to a seemingly incurable life You're the woman I dream about making my wife Having a first song with Laughing about all the wrong ones we've been with Damn I'm so grateful Like heaven just opened up and handed me an angel Cliché lines are just filler because love doesn't follow a particular rhythm It's messy and weird but you're the best thing that ever happened to me A weirdo who gets my weirdness without judgment My partner in crime, a crime being the only thing I won't commit to But to you, every day until time stops My love is for you with all of my heart

I gave you all I had and still it wasn't enough You cut open my heart and called it love

The sallow of purple under her eyes Is the work of a sandman away for too long Her dreams call her to slumber But instead she wrinkles the sheets And plays one song on repeat A therapy only she understands Feeling the notes until goosebumps rise to greet the chill of air The light of her phone burns her eyes The work of a body knowing more than a mind she can't shut off Her body begs her to rest But instead she sits up and stares into the darkness Listening to the same song feeding her heart A hope building that she doesn't want to interrupt Feeling the air enter her nose and exit past her tongue Cooling the sharp edges her past has ground to protect her The alarm clock yells red numbers at her eyes The work of time moving on without her Her mind beckons her to be better But she knows she needs rest So she lowers the volume of the lullaby Deadening the noise outside and within Recognizing the darkness of the night and feeling all too much

It felt scary Opening a book Reading words describing your life Your brokenness Your healing The rapture and mend And you didn't even provide the letters They were someone else's story But they also happened to fit you Like hand-me-down clothing It comes with a story that is not your own But you wear it's likeness just the same Because some puzzle pieces fit multiple places But the term for that has not yet been named So you sit in concentration Wondering how your thoughts were burned into someone else's paper Etched by another's hand These words are what weave us together They paint the world in ways only we can understand Because we have lived these words Because we have shattered from their weight Bloomed again in the spaces in between the letters Just enough to remind us of the power each of us brings It felt warming Opening up a book Reading words that describe your life Your love Your loss All the reasons you are enough And you may not have provided the letters But they lay in front of you like a new home Saying come sit with me a while And show you all the beauty in yourself you may not have yet discovered And all the reasons you are enough You are enough You are enough You are enough

Christmas tree, Christmas tree Shove it up your a$$ I have no time to set you up I'm preoccupied with stress. Hey! Christmas tree, Christmas tree All the papers I must write I lose sleep, I overeat, I'm filled with finals' delight. Hey! Christmas tree, Christmas tree I'm counting down the days 3 more papers, 2 more papers, 1 more paper, Free. I can't wait to leave this place and be reunited with my family!

When the world goes up in flames I get to decide where I stand I think I'll find a lonely valley Because I could never handle Seeing the death of a good friend Watching as the grass whithers From gray ash to wet black and brown I remember all the history in the veins of flowers from lilacs to tiger lilies from then until now And we sing What has become of us Dancing to the tune of insanity And we dance until the sweat pours off of us Like we never meant to destroy humanity Hindsight is 20/20, without nature mankind is suicide We think we need culture, that's just an accessory Clean water and air to breathe, food for our stomachs is what we seek But we chose electricity over the value of animal's lives We chose to claim democracy and religion when we dominated other's rights When we dominate Has the world been in flames this whole time? What has not yet become of us? Are we not yet molded from Earth's soil? When we all communicate with each other, love one another, and establish peace; Is that when we can all finally breathe? Is that when the flames will finally cease? That's the beauty of nature, it'll always know more than we.

The following day, the birds come less frequently. I’m hopeful to see a few familiar feathers Yet only a few crows and doves stop by sporadically: No blue jays, no cardinals, no robins. Something seems wrong. Am I the true terror intruding on their songs? Whatever the answer, something just feels wrong Like I don't belong

She creeps, she creeps, she creeps Down the stairwell ever so sweet Shifting between silence and the slightest of sounds Avoiding the squeaky boards as she sweeps down She sneaks, she sneaks, she sneaks Into the kitchen to satisfy her soul Small bites so her secret will not be shared Though seldom a person to care in their slumber She yawns, she yawns, she yawns Up to her bed still warm from before There is just something scrumptious about a midnight treat To help a young woman go back to sleep

Put on your warpaint, warpaint Can't make a girl think she ain't, think she ain't Anything below herself Cause she belongs to she and no one else She doesn't have to be smiley or sweet She's just got to be true to herself and what that means If she likes makeup, let it be If they define themselves as them let it be If they love another, let them be free Put the guns down, hands up Our warpaint is an open mind Let your fists show you are enough We are enough I will not let hate win over love Repeat after me: I will not let hate win over love We are love This is for the 49, this is for Black Lives This is for our own communities Stop theorizing what you do not live yourself Sit down and listen Recognize that words turn into laws that can harm someone else Put on your warpaint, warpaint Can't make a life something it ain't, something it ain't We see through the lies of the media Showing pity for the ones who bring harm to ya Cause we belong to we and no one else Cause I belong to me and no one else Cause they belong to they and no one else Cause he belongs to he and no one else Your warpaint is your skin You are valid We are valid and we won't let hate win Hate cannot win

I sat outside reading earlier this afternoon and some fluffy clouds crawled towards me ever so gently. The sun is blistering hot, my knees already reddening even though I had only been outside for a short amount of time. But these clouds, as I looked above, seemed to be coming straight at me to hug me and smother me with their puffy, borderless bodies. I didn't just welcome the thought, I yearned for it. I desired to be overwhelmed in their lightness like a fog of happiness that would lift me from the weight of life. Then, the perfect moments of love finally arrived when the clouds blocked the heat of the sun and a light breeze gained it's strength. Just a few minutes of shade and temporary coolness to remind me that nature loves me and I am here in this life held together by these moments of relief. My mind cleared like the blue of the sky above and I thought of telling my parents the truth of my life and how relieved I would feel then. The clouds kept moving and the sun soon reappeared, bringing with it the heat and light that pushed down against my yard. I let out a deep breath and went inside. The moment of relief has passed, I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell them.

Sitting in bed brushing my fingers over my stretch marks Signs of growth and space I take up in a world that tells me to take as little as possible They’re scattered on my thighs and breasts and stomach Betwixt the scars from adventures and accidents and wounds kept within A fan pushes cool air to kiss my skin and goosebumps rise to greet it Laying here in my boxers and t-shirt, I am not ashamed of the surface of my body, my planet, my universe Right now, I am at peace with myself But that is not always the case Like the tides change the coastal plains with each motion so do I With every thought, every breath, every step I am always becoming I am always trying to fight the voices that say thinner is better, more beautiful Sometimes I win the fight, sometimes I lose It should not have to be this way We should all love ourselves without doubt Wounds heal, goosebumps fade and resurface, stretch marks deepen and darken or dissipate I wonder if Earth feels shame for what we have done to its surface I lay upon grass gracefully brushing my fingers against each blade Appreciating and accepting the changes nature brings our way Reactions and change cannot always be controlled or stopped Blades of grass peak through concrete Nature always prevails I am nature I will prevail

My eyes reflect the light They no longer glow on their own I don't know when the flame went out But nothing feels like home without it Eyes like the ocean Desperate to find a shore It's painful getting lost in eyes that don't see love anymore Every look in the mirror is a plea for land Yearning for the safe feeling of holding someone else's hand Or even my own I wish to see my reflection and know "There's no place like home."

Do you promise to carry my heart Unbroken in yours Do you stand tall and true When you carry my love with you Do you promise to love unguarded Part only our bodies for moments but never our souls In whatever it is you choose to do Stay kind and humble Pride closes once open minds and hearts I trust you with all I hide behind My flaws, my fears, my pain And I want yours, all your worries and memories Cause this I promise to you I promise to protect you from all the harms of the world and the hurt we bury inside I promise to light our way to better tomorrow's and fond yesterday's I will hold your heart with mine so that if your heart breaks, mine will break as well and we will heal together I pray you never go a day feeling unloved Because I vow to show you the love you have always deserved A love that you have shown me really exists And we're not dreaming A love that knows no bounds and cannot be undone A love that makes us both better people I promise to love you unguarded, tall, and true forever

Shame, a word my young self didn't fully recognize when I shaved off my first signs of puberty It was an urgency to rid myself of being different, accepting the changes biology has already marked me for I wanted to return "mother nature's gift" Tell her I moved to Florida indefinitely But we all know that's not how life works I am a woman who menstruates A woman who chooses not to wear makeup in March to remind herself that blonde eyelashes are still beautiful even when they're less noticeable That my dark circles are the company I keep late at night when I can't sleep Because I'm worried about the nightmares again So I stay up late until my body falls apart exhausted and I sleep away the next daylight hours because my mind feels safer sleeping when the sun is out The warmth of the sun reminds me of my late grandmother I don't know why I can't turn off the televisions in my head If I stop paying the electricity bill and stopped taking care of myself, would they go away? I pose questions that make people uncomfortable I ask straight people why it's funny to them when a person of their same sex proposes to buy them a drink What is funny about your sense of entitlement and bigotry I hope their person in the mirror can help them figure it out Explain in depth why Black Lives Matter And why it's rude and exhausting to ask the activists of the movement to educate you when you know what the Internet is I'm tired of hearing: ''bleeding liberal, exclusionary feminist, reverse racism, men's rights activist" I'm tired of arguments and stupidity being thrown about like fists when people are dying everywhere Why does the conversation about violence seem to ignite more violence Why can't I talk about America's mistakes without you trying to silence me The truth is uncomfortable You have to confront it so we can move forward Why bother saying you're prolife if you won't do anything to save lives Choices matter My lipstick is my warpaint Wearing a bra or choosing not to wear a bra is my choice Either way I still wear my body armor Clothes or no clothes, my skin is my protection Keeping out infections as best it can And keeping in the secrets of sexual abuse This is my body, I do not dress it, dress it up or down for anyone except that woman staring back at me in the mirror because she's all I have in this war against my mind She backs me up when I have thoughts of suicide or self harm She reminds me that every jiggle is one letter from giggle and that I should laugh every chance I get because even though I'm often self conscious of my teeth Smiles are contagious and I can spread joy to another person But I don't always have to smile My warpaint is not always red and loud Sometimes it is the pinkness of my natural lips The lips through which she curses, drinks, and recites poetry The lips that have kissed lovers and have tasted tears The lips that tear when I forget my chapstick And the lips behind which I carry my shame unspoken Until now

Love, when it starts It's a garden of eden so pure You're convinced it could never fall apart Sparks ignite the heat of new beginnings So you never see the possibility of ending Love, when it's ending You grab so hard at the roots To keep your heart from wilting The soil is loosened but still strong Other seeds may sprout although they are long gone And the pain, it's a storm when the winds roll in It's like roses blooming but only leaving the thorns I loved you so much and then I wanted to hate you more Always full of you Letting go is the only way to a new me Seasons change Maybe this garden wasn't meant to grow roses Maybe this garden was meant to enrich the soil They are only an accent to an already great love story Loving myself for the garden that I am