#accepting fate

If he had to do it all over again, Bucky would have made the same decision. Leading a mission with the newest Avengers under his supervision, meant that he felt responsible for their safety. It was his choice to enter the building first, assessing the risk before they came in with him. Just as it was his choice to tell them to leave him behind after the bomb went off, an event that sent tons of debris raining down on him. Now, as he laid injured in the dark, with his metal arm twisted and lodged behind him and both his legs broken he knew he wasn't getting out alive. Those who had worked with him before, specifically Peter and Yelena, begged him not to make them leave but he made it clear.

"There is nothing you can do for me," he said, with what he hoped was finality. "It's too risky for even a sorcerer and with Dr. Strange off somewhere in the multiverse I don't think he can activate the time stone and reverse this."

He stopped for a moment to cough, feeling the metallic taste of blood in his mouth, likely from bleeding internally.

"Bucky?" asked Peter over the comms. "What about Cara?"

Cara ... his girlfriend of 8 months that he planned to propose to. This would devastate her, but she knew the risks, being a SHIELD employee herself.

"Tell her I love her and that I'm sorry," he replied, then he refused to answer his comms after that.

Outside the team sat, despondent. Shaun, Joaquin, Kate, Yelena, and Peter looked at each other, feeling sick inside. Then Peter strode into the quinjet and asked Friday to patch him through to the Avengers compound.

"Sam? We need help." He filled him in on what happened and what Bucky ordered them to do, explaining none of them wanted to leave. "We don't leave a team member behind. I don't care if he made it an order. It's not right."

As Sam listened to Peter, he got Carol Danvers' attention. After listening to the gist of the conversation between him and Peter, she asked Friday to alert the remaining Avengers to suit up. She also asked Friday to contact Wong, thinking they were going to need some magic to rescue Bucky.

"Peter, stay there," he said. "We're on our way and you're right, no matter what, we don't leave a team member behind."

⏳ ⌛️

It's strange where your mind takes you when it's the only thing still working. Practically immobilized in the dark, close confines of what Bucky accepted was his tomb, he thought back over his life. The first twenty years went by fast, not surprising considering it was so long ago and he wasn't even sure he had regained all those memories back. He thought of his mother's hands. Not an unusual thing because they were always busy. Housewives in the 1920s and 1930s were always on the go and his mother was no different; washing clothes by hand, ironing everything, including the sheets, cooking, baking, darning, soothing a fevered brow when he was sick, tying his necktie the first time he wore one. He sighed at how much he missed her, wished he had been able to see her just once before .... If he had just been man enough to tell her he loved her before he left for England, the last time he saw her, or Dad, or Rebecca when she was still young. At least he saw his sister again before she died. That meant something.

Then he thought of Cara, a bright moment in his life when he met her, although he didn't think so at the time. He had returned from a mission and forgot about the comms pieces that were still in the front chest pocket of his tactical suit, given to the staff responsible for cleaning them, and repairing any damage done to them. Taking his time in the locker room by having a long, hot shower, then getting dressed at his own pace, he was surprised to see a strange woman waiting for him outside the door.

"Sergeant Barnes?" she asked, looking him in the eye, even though she was a good six inches shorter than him. "I'm Comm Tech Laskey. You were supposed to return your comms pieces on your return."

"I thought I did," he answered.

"No, Sergeant." She checked the small tablet in her hand. "You returned your weapons to the armoury, and your tactical suit to Uniform Maintenance for cleaning and repair but the person taking in communications equipment didn't check them off and there is no sign of them. Until they are returned, you're financially responsible."

"You're kidding, right?" She stared at him. "I guess I left them in my tactical suit. Why don't you go there?"

"Not my responsibility."

"Listen, Laskey, is it? I'm tired and hungry and really need a beer. Can't you just go check for me this one time and see if they're in my uniform? I promise I'll make it up to you and that it will never happen again."

"This one time?" She looked at her tablet again. "You used that excuse four times on my predecessor. She left me notes on not taking you at your word. I don't want to know how you made it up to her, but I'm not her and think that you asking me to do your job is taking advantage of your position. Now, I can either declare them missing and have you invoiced, or you can go right now to find them and bring them to me in Communications. Those are your options, Sergeant. I'll give you 10 minutes."

She turned around and walked away, not looking back even once. He watched her, wondering why the previous tech left. He had made it up to Marin, taking her for drinks at least once. Laskey had to be wrong that he didn't turn in his comms equipment four times. It wasn't that many times, was it? With a sigh, he headed towards Uniform Maintenance, explained his problem, and was given his suit to examine. The earpieces were still in his front chest pocket.

"Good thing you came now, Sarge," said the cleaner. "Was just going to process your suit. It would have wrecked those. Someone told me those are worth 5 grand a pair."

He looked at the two small earpieces in his hand, not believing they cost that much. Returning to the communications department, he entered, looking for Laskey but he didn't see her. Seeing a guy sitting in front of several computer monitors in a secure room he knocked on the window. The guy flipped a switch to speak with him.

"Yes, Sergeant, what can I do for you?"

"I'm here to return my comms pieces to Comm Tech Laskey," he said, holding up the two comms pieces.

"She's gone for the evening," said the guy, Martino. "She waited for you then said your 10 minutes was up. Sorry, you'll have to give them to her tomorrow. I'm not authorized to unlock the door so I can't receive them."

A rumble above him interrupted his train of thought and he strained to see what was happening in the darkness. Then a large piece of debris shifted, landing on his right arm. He could hear the snap as the pain of his arm being broken shot up from his forearm, making him scream in agony. Fuck, he was completely trapped now, every part of him broken or pinned in place.

"Bucky?" Peter's voice was in his comms piece. "Was that you?"

"I ordered you to go," he gritted out between clenched teeth. "Why are you still here?"

"We're not leaving you behind," said Yelena. "Help is coming."

"What did you do?"

"We called for help and it's coming," replied Peter. "Now, what's your status?"

"Damn it," muttered Bucky. "I gave you an order."

"Yeah, and I ignored it," answered the younger man. "You can discipline me later. Now, what's your status, Bucky?"

Angrily, he breathed several times then calmed himself. "Both legs broken, my metal arm is pinned behind my back, and I can't move it, and that scream was my right arm being broken by a piece of debris landing on it. I can taste blood coming up into my throat, so I likely have internal bleeding. The building is unstable, Peter. They won't be able to do anything."

"You let them figure that out," said the younger man. "Don't give up yet, Bucky. Please."

He closed his eyes, unnecessary in the dark but it was the only thing he could still do in the circumstances. He felt as helpless as he did when he came to after falling from the train. Everything was broken then, except for his left arm, which was gone. It was true he survived that, and the hypothermia that should have killed him, if he didn't already have the serum flowing through his veins. But something told him that this time the serum wouldn't be enough to keep him alive.

The sad thing was that he was okay with it. He really was. He was older than he had a right to be, had done terrible things that had sent other men to death row for less. His defence of involuntary mind control and torture was accepted for his pardon, but that was little comfort to the families of those he killed. Even though he made his amends a big part of him always felt that he got away with murder. That was the same part of him that was telling him to let go, to accept that this time, he had to pay the piper. Why couldn't Peter just obey orders?

You know why.

Great, now he was hearing a voice in his head, and it wasn't coming from the comms.

"Why?" he whispered, not wanting the others to hear him.

He had to watch Tony Stark die, then his Aunt May. Don't you think if he left you behind to die that it would hurt him as much as those deaths did?

"I don't mean that much to him. I barely talk to him."

You mean more to him than you know, Bucky, and he means more to you than you realize.

He had nothing to say to that because he couldn't see it. Peter was still a kid, living in Queens, trying to get the marks to be accepted into engineering at college, while still patrolling the streets at night and being an Avenger.

You don't see it, do you?

"See what?" asked Bucky, out loud.

"What did you say, Bucky? Are you okay?"

"Sorry, just thinking out loud," he replied to Peter. "Has your help arrived yet?"

"No, but they'll be here in a couple of minutes. They're just getting some things sorted out first."

Bucky closed his eyes again and tried to calm his mind.

You're a survivor, Bucky. Peter looks up to you, because you went through hell, and you survived it. You're a good leader who treats everyone with respect like the sergeant you are. You're fair, firm, and you make sure that everyone knows their job before you take them on a mission. If anyone gets hurt, you're the first one there, the first one to assure them that they'll be okay. He admires you for that. So do the others.

A scoff erupted from Bucky's lips, causing him to cough and he tasted blood again. Personally, he didn't want to believe what that inner voice was telling him. He barely said anything to the younger ones. They were always on their phones, or playing video games; silly pastimes in his mind. Still, Peter helped him set up his smartphone without making him feel stupid or out of touch. It still impressed him that the kid was stronger than him, even though he was a lot shorter and lighter than Bucky.

He often reminds you of Steve, doesn't he? Except without the anger. Orphan, living on his own on a shoestring budget, until you and Sam convinced him to live at the tower. He helps people who have been pushed around, and you admire his mind, because it reminds you of you, when you were younger and still had hopes of college.

Well, maybe there was some truth in all of that but as far as Bucky was concerned, it wasn't enough to warrant Peter disobeying a direct order and bringing in help. He probably called Sam, first. He wasn't looking forward to that conversation.

"Bucky? How you doing, man?"

Well, shit, speak of the devil.

"Sam. I assume Peter gave you a status report, so I won't repeat myself. I don't think I'm getting out of this one."

"You let us assess the situation before we make that decision. I've got Carol, Thor, Wong, Hope, and Scott here. Bruce, Dr. Cho, and a couple of paramedics are on standby to treat your injuries. We've set up a little trauma centre just to stabilize you before we transport you to the tower."

"The building is really unstable, Sam. Whatever you do can make it worse for me."

"Buck, we know." Sam's voice was more serious. "We've got a couple of structural engineers here to determine the best way to get that debris pile off of you. Hope and Scott are going to fly in and try to get into your space to make a scan of your situation. Then we'll make a plan of action. We're not leaving you behind, you hear?"

Despite his stoic acceptance of his fate, Bucky couldn't help the little sob that erupted from his throat. It took a lot to get his single word answer out.

"Okay."

He didn't know how long it was before he was aware he wasn't alone. A small light approached him in the darkness, revealing Hope carrying Scott. She had a light on one arm with a small scanner on the other, while Scott carried the same sort of scanner. She hovered over Bucky's face and flipped her face shield up, making her face visible to him.

"Hey, Buck," she said. "Scott is going to stand on your chest. If it hurts, you let us know. While he scans this pocket, I'm going to your sides and underneath to scan there. Just relax. Sorry, I know you can't really do that."

He nodded his head slightly, but didn't say anything. As she left, Scott activated the light on his arm.

"I'm not too heavy for you, am I?" he asked as he began to laser scan the space Bucky was trapped in.

"No, it's not too heavy," replied Bucky. "I'm sorry to bring you in here. I don't think much can be done for me."

"Well, it's easy to feel that way when you're the one who's trapped." Scott looked back at him. "Understandably so but it always amazes me that even in the most backward areas, when there's a landslide or an earthquake and people get trapped that they are still able to rescue people with just their bare hands. We have a full team out there and a couple of cranes setting up to lift debris off from above you. It's kind of like a 3D jigsaw puzzle or more likely a house of cards that we're taking apart, without destabilizing it. It's challenging but with the right moves and respect for the task, it can be done. I have faith in us, Bucky. You just have to trust us to do our jobs. Your only job is to hang on."

"I don't know how much longer I can do that." Scott turned so he could see Bucky's face. "I'm bleeding internally. If it's bad enough I don't know if the serum can heal it before I bleed out."

"Do your best."

There was no answer from the former assassin for a while as Scott continued scanning. He kept checking on Bucky's face, making sure he was still conscious. Turning towards Bucky's face after a few moments, Scott noticed that he had relaxed completely, and his eyes were closed. Putting the scanner down he moved closer and tapped Bucky's cheek.

"Hey, Buck, you still with me?"

A small groan followed by his eyes trying to open was his answer. He was slipping away.

"Sam! He's losing consciousness. What do I do?"

He could hear Bruce and Helen discussing what could be done to bring him back. They all involved Hope flying back, getting a stimulant in an injector, then bringing it back and jamming it into Bucky's neck but it might not be in time and the effect wouldn't be enough if they didn't enlarge the injector. Then Scott thought that perhaps a pain stimulus would work.

"Hope! Get up here, I need you," called Scott. She appeared from the side moments later. "Sting him. He's losing consciousness and I figured a pain stimulus would bring him back. I don't have anything on me, but you do with your stingers. It won't hurt him, but he should feel it."

"Do it," said Bruce, who had been listening in. "It's the only thing we've got to offer and it's better than nothing."

Aiming at Bucky's cheek, Hope fired on him. The response was minimal, so she did it again and this time Bucky opened his eyes.

"That hurt," he mumbled. "What did you do?"

"Sorry, Buck," she answered. "You were passing out and we need to keep you conscious. I stung you."

"Cut it out." Then he grinned lightly. "It's okay. You did what you had to."

She returned to scanning underneath while Scott continued his scan. He looked at Bucky frequently, not wanting to miss the signs of him passing out again. Then he cleared his throat.

"Buck?" He could feel the super soldier's eyes on him. "I've heard you wanted to get into engineering when you were young. You know I'm an electrical engineer by training. What field were you interested in?"

"Mechanical," answered Bucky. "I was always interested in how things work and worked a lot on engines. But the Depression pretty much wiped out any chance of going to college. I quit school to work on the docks. It didn't require a lot of thought, but it paid the bills."

"What about Steve? What was he into?"

"Art. He could draw anything. He spent a year in art school then ran out of money to continue." Bucky was silent for a moment. "So, you left engineering to become Ant Man?"

"Not exactly," replied Scott. "I worked for a corporation that was robbing its customers and kind of stole from them to give back to the people they were stealing from. One thing led to another, I got caught and I spent a few years in prison. Couldn't get a job when I got out, then I got involved with Hank Pym, became Ant Man and here I am."

"You did prison time." The disbelief was strong in Bucky's voice as he always thought Lang was a bit of a softy.

"Yeah, I managed. I kept my head down, didn't rat anyone out, tried to stay pleasant. It seemed to work. It's where I met Luis ... you've met Luis, haven't you?"

"The guy that can't shut up? Yeah, he's hilarious."

"Hey, he's been a good friend and has had my back whenever I've needed him. That's worth a lot in this world."

Bucky felt bad about being dismissive. By everything he had heard about Luis, he had been a good friend to Scott, helping him bring in some dangerous people.

"I guess he's kind of your Steve in that you watch out for each other." He watched as Scott continued scanning. "It's good to have someone like that in your life."

"Like Sam. I know on the surface that you two are always bugging each other, but he'd drop everything to help you and so would you." Bucky grunted. "Don't deny it. It's why you're partners."

"Co-workers."

Scott laughed. "Okay, have it your way." He finished his scan and came close so that Bucky could see him. "Right now, that co-worker is looking over the results of my scan and figuring out with the others where to start saving your life. Hope, are you done?"

"Yes, I've already transmitted the data." She was quiet for a moment. "You know, Scott, I think with a little nudge we can help Bucky free his left arm. I just need to size up slightly and raise him enough so that he can pull it free. Bucky, do you want to give it a try?"

They cleared it with Sam, who, along with the others, was looking at the scans. There was concern that they could destabilize the debris pile, but Bruce was also concerned that Bucky had already lost consciousness briefly. Scott pointed out that with both of them there, they could enlarge themselves quickly enough to push the debris aside and open up access to Bucky. It wouldn't be pretty, but it could get him out sooner.

"Remember, I did it at the compound after Thanos blew us up and we were buried underground," he said. "We won't let him get hurt any further."

"Alright," said Sam. "Do it, but be prepared for both of you to go giant sized."

Hope returned to an open spot below Bucky, while Scott remained on his chest, although he changed his footing somewhat so that if he went large, he wouldn't step on the super soldier. She counted down from three, then Bucky could feel his body lift slightly, and then a slight tug on his left arm. It moved a little, then he felt more pressure on his back as Hope pushed him further up. Suddenly, his arm was free and by his side. He flexed his hand, then the pressure beneath him eased as Hope shrank down.

"It's free," he said. "Thanks."

Then everything went black and silent.

"Guys, what's going on?" asked Bucky. "Where are you?"

"It's okay, Bucky," said a familiar female voice.

A red glow appeared near him, and he saw Wanda, sitting cross-legged in the dark with him.

"Wanda? What are you doing here? It's dangerous."

"You're not trapped, Bucky," she answered, in her soft melodious voice. "At least, the inner you isn't. Your body is and right now, Scott and Hope are trying to revive you while the others are ready to have them go giant size just to get you out of there. I just wanted a chance to talk to you face to face before they wake you up. I've been with you since you first were trapped."

"That was your voice in my head, wasn't it?" he asked. "You know how I feel about that."

"I know, and I'm sorry for invading your privacy but I hated that you seemed to have given up. The younger Avengers were so upset when you told them to leave you behind. I felt their distress. Shame on you for not thinking that you're worth it."

"You know what I was and what I did."

"I know because I did things that were just as bad or worse; things that I'm truly sorry for." She was right beside him now, red tendrils of light snaking off her body and dissipating into the dark. "You've done a lot of good since HYDRA and have more than paid back your dues. You're respected, people care about you, and someone loves you very much."

"Cara will move on," he replied. "She deserves better."

"Hmmm," she voiced. Then she brought up an image of Cara in the air. "She doesn't think so. In her eyes, you're someone who makes her feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Let's continue with the memory of when you first met her. I was enjoying that until the building fell on your right arm."

The morning after he tried to return the comms pieces, Bucky got up early and waited outside the office, until the first staff member came in, Cara Laskey herself.

"I have the comms pieces," said Bucky. "I tried to return them last night, but you had already gone."

She unlocked the door without comment, then went to the counter and pulled out a form. Putting her hand out to Bucky, she examined the two earpieces, then wrote a note on the form before turning it towards him and handing him a pen.

"Sign here. You're accepting any penalties that might have accrued for the late return of classified equipment. I'll submit this to the supervisor, and you'll be hearing what the penalty is."

He looked at her, dumbfounded. "You're kidding, right? I just handed them to you. It wasn't my fault that it took me longer than 10 minutes to get to Uniform Maintenance, explain why I needed my suit and then go through the pockets before returning here to find you already gone. This is bullshit."

"Sergeant Barnes, may I remind you that there is a code of conduct in place governing interactions between frontline and support staff. I don't have to take this kind of verbal abuse from you."

He ran his hand over his face, breathing heavily, then he looked down at her, noticing for the first time, she had flecks of gold in her hazel irises.

"You're right, I apologize," he said. "I would just like to ask respectfully, that you verify that I was here to return the items last night, then was here first thing in the morning to return them. Considering that I made every effort to get here on time, I just object to a penalty being assessed arbitrarily. Surely, there must be some leeway, in the spirit of inter-departmental cooperation."

A small smile graced Laskey's face, then she looked down at the form, picked it up and put it through the paper shredder.

"Since you put it that way and asked so nicely, I'll make an exception this time," she said. "Just don't forget them again."

"That was smooth," said Wanda. "So how did you get from inter-departmental cooperation to wanting to ask her to marry you?"

"I wish I knew," said Bucky. "It just seemed that I saw her more around the compound. It was formal between us at first; she called me Sergeant Barnes and I called her Comm Tech Laskey. Then I stepped outside one night and she was changing her tire. It went flat during the day, and she was having a hard time getting it done in the dark as the light above where she parked had burnt out. I offered to help if she lit up the scene with her phone flashlight. We talked and found we liked some things in common. I told her to call me Bucky and she said to call her Cara." He smiled. "We began having coffee together, worked out together, and then I'd wait for her to finish work to see if she wanted to join us for drinks."

His voice trailed off as he thought about them meeting as a group for drinks. She wasn't the only support staff that came out, but she was the one he always tried to sit beside. Then one Friday night, the place they went to had dancing and one of the weapons techs asked her to dance. As he watched her dance with the guy, he couldn't stop feeling angry. Why was she dancing with him? He wasn't good enough for her. The guy bragged about his body count all the time in the locker room.

"Sam saw it, didn't he?" Wanda asked him gently. "He told you to stop wasting time and ask her to dance yourself. So, you did. What was the song again?"

"Holding Back the Years," replied Bucky. "Not a romantic song at all but that voice and the feeling behind it just got to me. I held back from opening myself up to others for so long, afraid of hurting them but with her, it was suddenly clear that I wanted her in my life. I kissed her, right on the dance floor and she kissed me back. That was eight months ago."

"So why were you so ready to leave her behind?"

He didn't answer for the longest time. "I was angry at myself for not telling her how much I love her. I've had the ring for a month working up the courage to ask her to marry me. She keeps me honest. Doesn't take my bullshit. She makes me laugh and when we're together, making love, it's like the first time every time. I learn something new about her every day. I guess, I figured if I gave her up then it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't make it. It doesn't make sense, I know. I don't want to die, and I don't want to lose her."

"So, you do think you're good enough for her?"

"I'll spend every day of our lives together being worthy of her." He looked at the young woman who had her own HYDRA story. "Can you send me back?"

"Of course," she smiled. "I just wanted to make sure that you don't want to let go of life, that you really wanted to go back, and not just to Cara but all of them. They're all fond of you, Bucky, and even love you. It's because you're worth loving. It's why Steve risked so much to find you and make sure you were free."

"But he left."

"Yeah." Her face softened. "Sometimes, the people who love us have to make a hard decision. He chose to leave you for reasons only he really knows. You're choosing to stay because you love these people, and they love you. That's a good thing, Bucky. Love is always a good thing."

🩺

He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the tears flooding them. When he opened them, he was inside a tent, with Bruce and Helen hovering over him, while a paramedic was holding paddles in the air, and another had a mask over his mouth squeezing air into his lungs.

"Normal sinus rhythm," said someone. "He's conscious."

Bruce came closer. "Bucky?"

He nodded. "How long was I out?"

"Over a minute. Scott and Hope went giant and cleared the debris pile, while Wong levitated you out of there and directly into the tent. Your heart stopped and we had to shock you three times. You gave us quite the scare." He nodded to someone out of Bucky's view. "We're going to transport you directly to the compound via a portal. You need surgery to repair a bleeding artery. Plus, we have to set the breaks in your legs and right arm."

They transferred him to a gurney, strapping him on, and putting his IV bag on a stand. An oxygen mask was placed over his mouth, then the two paramedics began wheeling him towards the portal, while Bruce and Helen followed. The other Avengers were lined up before the portal. He heard murmurs of good luck from them, plus received numerous smiles. Putting his hand up when it got to Peter, he grasped the younger man's hand.

"Thanks," he said softly. "You're still in trouble but we'll talk later about it."

Peter smiled. "Sure, Bucky."

With another wave to Scott and Hope, Bucky nodded, and the gurney went through the portal, coming out to the medical centre surgical suite. They cut his gear off and he had the thought that the uniform tech wouldn't be happy with him. It made him smile. Then he thought of another thing.

"Make sure Cara gets my comms earpieces," he said out loud. "Don't want to get in trouble with the woman I love."

There were chuckles at that, and he relaxed. As soon as he woke up from this surgery, he was going to tell Cara he loved her and wanted to marry her. It was then he remembered something Wanda said. How did she know he wanted to ask Cara to marry him? No one knew, not even Sam.  It really didn't matter because Wanda was right. Love was a good thing. It was everything.

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