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@theclay
-William Wordsworth

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Jaakko Pallasvuo
Think I kind of hacked my brain into working properly?
I have ADD, so my brain isnāt wired to process the future properly.
My newest hack has been to write letters to myself.Ā In the morning, I write a letter to my night self. At night, I write a letter to my morning self.Ā And I ask her to do things.
I ask her,Ā āCould you call and make this appointment for me today?ā
āCould you try to get to bed on time? It would really help me.ā
āCan you get started on that assignment today? Morning Jeans tomorrow is going to be so happy if you do.ā
Iāve got a small sample size, but the results are fantastic so far.
Because I canāt understand the future. I donāt emotionally grokĀ āthere will be consequences for this laterā because later doesnāt exist.Ā But I can understandĀ āI need help.ā And if I can translate from one to the other, I can speak the language I need to to do the things I need to do.
the one problem i have with people my age and younger is that a lot of us do not have hands on hobbies. like i have spoken to so many people my age who go to work, go to school and then fuck around on their phone/computer for hours and then ???????? like no wonder ur depressed and have low confidence in urself. u need to get ur hands on something, feed those dopamine receptors! learn how to play guitar, garden, scrapbook, fucking make model trains. i donāt give a shit, MAKE SOMETHING!!
it feels better than drugs when i finish making a thingāand then show it off or gift it.
and then so people my age say to me āwellāi canāt draw/paint/knit/etc. like you can. my stuff would be terrible.ā yeah, well duhāa part of developing skill is sucking at something and then practicing it over and over and over again until you suck less. uāll have a hard time feeling lonely or bored when you canāt stop thinking abt a technique you want to try or something you want to make for someone else. making things has SAVED MY LIFE. it gave me a reason to keep living day after day when i wanted to die.
making things have improved my generational relationships (when i worked for the newspaper i would talk to customers abt jamming recipes or cross-stitch, one of my grandmas always gives me pattern books and tell me abt when she knitted things for mom, my other grandma is giving me a wedding quilt that HER grandma gave her 50 years ago because she knows i will appreciate it). it also got me likeminded friends who also make things.
take a ceramics class! pick up water colors, bake cakes! learn to work on cars! make soap. DO SOMETHING THAT DOESNāT INVOLVE STARING AT A SCREEN.
Hobbies cost money, Helen.
Do you eat? Then you can have a hobby.
Can you see green outside? Can you get some dirt? Then you can have a hobby.
Do you have a pen and paper? Hobby.
Something with a keyboard? Hobby.
The ability to walk? Hobby.
Get creative and don'tĀ be a pessimist is step one Barabra.Ā
Acting like itās easy or simple to have an ENJOYABLE hobby on zero budget is a puerile view that shifts the blame for the unhappiness of people trapped at the bottom of a dehumanizing, vicious system. Its possible of course. There are people who are into things that can be done cheaply, and thatās great! But not everyone takes joy in the things that can be done on a budget of next to nothing, and we shouldnāt EXPECT people to!
Might as well lie down and die then! God forbid anyone try to better themselves.
Have two feet and a heartbeat? Go for a fucking walk, do some pushups, volunteer to play with shelter dogs.
Have two hands and a heartbeat? Sketch. Napkins are free, steal a pen from your job, voila! Picasso.
Have one hand and a pacemaker? Might I recommend composing music on garage band?
The Y offers low-cost social classes. There are also coding classes online. Turn a hobby into a job!
Your computer has a microphone. Start making podcasts.
Crafty and bedbound? Try watercolours; theyāre available at the dollar store.
Granola hippy? Get a towel, find a floor, queue up a yoga tutorial on YouTube. Namaste.
Garden witch? Dollarstore pot and a small bag of potting mix. Take your old head of lettuce, keep the bottom wet for a day, put butt of lettuce into dirt. Voila. Salad. Mint works well and is likewise indestructible.
Not into sports? Read books online. There are thousands of classic titles available. Internet got cut off? Library. Illiterate? Perfect ā thereās your project. Or: books on tape, available at your local library, for free.
Look ā I donāt take joy in my commute and I wish I had a helicopter to take me everywhere I wanted to go. But whining about my misfortune doesnāt solve my problem, and neither does this defeatist attitude.
If you have the time and tech to scroll this website, you have the time to develop a fulfilling hobby.
Anything else is just wallowing in your own misery because the alternative ā trying and failing ā is too daunting.
Oh well. Life is daunting. So either get it done or get it over with; it does not get any easier.
Lmao yāall are really over here assmad at the very idea of bettering your lives in any way. Itās kind of pathetic.
āHave you guys considered doing something worthwhile that makes you happy? :) ā
Tumblr: no, and I will not, and youāre ableist and classist for suggesting such a thing fuck off
Knot-tying & macramƩ - you can often find yarn at thrift shops or dollar stores (not always but with some frequency).
YouTube tutorials, websites, and learn to mend your clothes. Some outlay for thread, needles, scissors, and maybe patches and buttons. But spending less money buying new clothes..
Dollar stores often have coloring books & pencils, too. Go wild. Color the sun blue, grass purple, & trees red. Go outside the lines. Add stuff to the picture.
Sharpie pen & rounded rocks - draw pictures and happy messages and give them to people or leave them to be found.
Cotton string, paint, & paper. Dip string in paint & drape it on paper. Repeat with other colors. It doesnāt matter if your hand shakes, in fact itās better.
Some craft places & senior centers & community centers have classes for free or for the cost of the materials. Try the craft with just enough materials for 1 project, instead of investing lots of money.
Look up crafts aimed at kids. Those are often simple with inexpensive materials. Get your foot in the creativity door.
I will teach other depressed fuckers to knit because nothing defeats nihilistic fatalism like wearing the sweater you made from scratch!
Seriously.
I sympathize with it feeling impossible to get started and with some versions of a hobby being out of reach, but thatās not every version.
If you like plants other than the aforementioned mint, you can often take cuttings from ones beside the road somewhere and get them to grow roots in a glass of water before transplanting them to dirt.
If you like fiber crafts, you can often find odd assortments of yarn for cheap. If you have a local Buy Nothing or other neighborhood giveaway thing, crafters are often decluttering their stashes and giving away nice quality stuff, just in small amounts that you couldnāt make a whole project out of. Maybe you canāt get every size and variety of tool, but a lot of people would be happy to pass on a single pair of needles. Iāve been shocked at how much interesting stuff people just put on the sidewalk because theyāre overwhelmed by stuff.
Also like. I get it. The world is bleak sometimes and maybe you have it really rough right now and everything feels pointless. No one is suggesting that a hands-on hobby is going to save the world or cure your depression or solve all your problems. But my god, whatās the alternative? I canāt fix everything, so I deny myself any small scrap of joy? If it doesnāt solve all my problems itās not worth doing at all? I canāt be the best and have all the most elaborate tools so I might as well not even bother?
Let me tell you, if thatās your approach to life, youāre in for a miserable time.
Know what I did last summer? I impulse bought a bottle of bubble solution at CVS for $1.99. And whenever I had a rough day I went outside and sat down and blew bubbles for a few minutes, experimenting with different ways to hold or dip the wand or get air through it to make different types of bubbles. Trying to make bigger bubbles, or recapture bubbles on the wand without popping them.
It was so small. So silly. It didnāt make anything lasting. It didnāt necessarily build any marketable skills. It wasnāt the hobby I would choose if I had unlimited space and resources. I had nothing to show for it at the end of the day but a slightly less full bottle of bubble solution.
But my god, did I feel better each and every time. For $1.99, an entire summer of time set aside to myself every other day or so, out in the sun, doing something that brought me joy. It was SO SMALL. But it made such a huge difference.
#sometimes wrenching yourself out of a shitty life is doing small things one step at a time
You all know singing is free, right?
Writing is also basically free
for almost every hobby thatās been commercially overinflated with kits and high-end materials to the point where you could easily drop hundreds of bucks just to get started, thereās the original core of that hobby. people have always done interesting and creative things with little scraps of material, because people have always been poor. there have always, always been poor people.
if being poor is your excuse for not seeking whatever happiness you can scratch up, youād be a defeatest sad-sack even if your bank account was seven figures.
scrapbooking used to be done with scrap paper, not expensive stickers and rolls of washi tape and curated packs of ephemeraā¦and the world is full of discarded newspapers, magazines, old books. quilting was done with little bits gleaned from garments worn past any repair, not charm packs that cost forty bucks a pop⦠and thereās still people throwing out sheets and clothes and skirts today! gardening is a way to get free produce out of kitchen scraps and whatever tiny patch of dirt you can keep clear of weeds and animalsā¦and you can just start composting and collect seeds and cuttings today. sculpture used to be done with mud, from the river near the cave. you donāt have to even leave your cave if you want to make saltdough or paperclay.
hobbies enrich your life. if theyāre bankrupting you, thatās not the hobbyās fault, thatās capitalist brainrot fucking you over. you donāt have to make something worthy of instagram in your enormous well-stocked craft room full of custom-engineered high-quality tools. you can just pfuck around and find something cool to do.
āFeeling listened to and understood changes our physiology; being able to articulate a complex feeling, and having our feelings recognized, lights up our limbic brain and creates an āaha momentā. In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit. Or, as John Bowlby so memorably put it: āWhat can not be spoken to the [m]other cannot be told to the self.āā
ā Bessel Van Der Kolk, āThe Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma (via extra-garlic)

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āLife is suffering. It is hard. The world is cursed. But still you find reasons to keep on living.ā āPrincess Mononoke (1997)
It makes me sad that there is a distinction between living and existing. That people have to place a ācoā in front of a verb like working to highlight that itās done with people. Living does not need to be qualified as time spent producing, time spent buying, time spent playing, or time spent planning. Living can simply mean time spent among. I find value in this. In the time spent among one another. Not just with, or next to, but among. To be among those who love us means to be among the all-ness of those who love us. To be among the dailiness of us. Our minor squabbles, our pettiness, our arguments and frustrations. It means to spend time. The kind of time, these days, that we are told is better spent producing or consuming. The kind of time, these days, that we are told is better spent alone. Maybe with. Maybe next to. Still alone.
ā Devin Kelly, I Miss it All: Against the Commodification of Community, Longreads
Not even a machine is capable of constantly doing multiple tasks without breaking. Why are you asking yourself to be so efficient all the time?
Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Masterpost
TheĀ āgetting it done in an unconventional wayā method.
TheĀ āitās not cheating to do it the easy wayā method.
TheĀ āfuck what youāre supposed to doā method.
TheĀ āget stuff done while you waitā method.
TheĀ āyou donāt have to do everything at onceā method.
TheĀ āit doesnāt have to be permanent to be helpfulā method.
TheĀ ābreak the task into smaller stepsā method.
TheĀ ātreat yourself like a petā method.
TheĀ āit doesnāt have to be all or nothingā method.
TheĀ āput on a personaā method.
TheĀ āact like youāre filming a tutorialā method.
TheĀ āyou donāt have to do it perfectlyā method.
TheĀ āwait for a triggerā method.
TheĀ ādo it for your future selfā method.
TheĀ āmight as wellā method.
TheĀ āwhen self discipline doesnāt cut itā method.
TheĀ ātaking care of yourself to take care of your petā method.
TheĀ āmake it easyā method.
TheĀ ājunebuggingā method.
TheĀ ājust show upā method.
TheĀ āaccept when you need helpā method.
TheĀ āmake it into a gameā method.
TheĀ āeverything worth doing is worth doing poorlyā method.
TheĀ ātrick yourselfā method.
TheĀ ābreak it into even smaller stepsā method.
TheĀ ālet go of shouldā method.
TheĀ āyour body is an animal you have to take care ofā method.
TheĀ āfork theoryā method.
TheĀ āeffectivity over aestheticsā method.

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Iāve always struggled with social anxiety and self-confidence in different areas. It waxes and wanes in amplitude, but itās always there. This affects my ability to do research as I struggle to do things like use the phone, send emails asking people to do things in a timely fashion, and finish work due to perfectionism.Ā It was really bad a couple of years ago, during my PhD. We had official annual meetings with a member of staff to check on progress back then, which were a good idea but terrified the students. I always had mine with a member of faculty a lot of people are scared of. Iām not sure why, maybe because their courses were very difficult and they was a strict marker? Iād heard theyād mellowed over the years so maybe, like a fear of the dark, studentsā wariness passed down the generations.Ā Whatever the reason, Iād never been scared of them, and always saw them as a fair mind when it came to assessing my progress. I wouldnāt believe myself or my friends mostly, but Iād trust them to tell the truth. On my last meeting they knew I wasnāt very well. I always cried in these meetings through stress/lifting of stress, so true to form the box of tissues were ready and they offered me a fruit tea. I had the summer fruits. It was really sweet and calming, and I didnāt need the tissues that year. We spoke at length about why I was struggling within myself when my work seemed perfectly fine, even really good in places. And we got talking about anxiety when not at work. Turns out both of us have similar social anxiety problems! We both struggle to go in a shop with no or few other customers, because we hate being watched by staff. Itās really specific but I bet itās common haha. We both hate using the phone, even ordering take away is difficult! Maybe this is why I wasnāt scared of them?Ā At any rate, it was great to know I wasnāt alone, here was a full professor with the same problems I have, still doing science! But, I asked, how do you do it? How did you get this high up the ladder and not quit, or not take it out on yourself? How are you not anxious all the time? Oh, I am anxious, they said. I was really bad for years. Wouldnāt use the phone at all. But then I was made Head of Department.Ā Thatās terrifying! What did you do? Well I was still anxious, about using the phone for example. But I realised, the Head of Department uses the phone to call people to get things sorted quickly. And at the moment, Iām Head of Department. Thatās the hat Iām wearing. The Head of Department picks up the phone and the Head of Department speaks to people to Get Things Done. Thatās a role Iām performing, thatās all, and people expect me to be the Head of Department. And it helped, and now I can use the phone because Iām used to it.Ā Hearing them say that was a bit of an epiphany. They werenāt sayingĀ ājust suck it upā, itās a complete reframing of the interaction.Ā
YOU might not like using the telephone to ask so-and-so to do something, but Scientist-In-Charge-Of-Making-This-Thing-Work DOES call Collaborators to remind them, and then Collaborators can respond that they forgot, or they have it scheduled in for next week, because itās their role to do something.Ā
YOU might be scared of going into that shop, but a Potential Customer does go into shops and look around. Potential Customer might be asked by Sales Rep whether they need help, and Potential Customer can say just browsing. Sales Rep may watch Potential Customer browse, but thatās okay, because theyāre waiting to perform their role. And when Potential Customer leaves the shop, they arenāt that role anymore, back to self. Interaction done.Ā
YOU might not want to email that person to ask them for a reference, BUT a Final Year Student DOES send the email, because part of their role is to get a reference at the end. And the person receiving the email also has a role, and that is Someone Who Sometimes Gets Reference Requests, that they can response Yes or No to. Then Final Year Student can get their reference about Final Year Student or can move on to someone else. Interaction over. Slate clean. Sometimes we get so caught up we forget that many of the things we do are divorced from our own self, and we worry about judgements from other people. But in a lot of our interactions, especially at work or school, we have a set of roles and rules. When itās getting really hard for me to do things like email, phone, or go somewhere, it helps me to think of that Professorās first day as Head of Department, them sitting there with that weight of responsibility and internally screaming as they pick up the phone the first time, because thatās what Head of Departments do. If they can do it and normalise it, I know I can too. One day! :)Ā
Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
LOUDER
I think the mentality of āwhy bother doing something if youāre not good at it?ā feeds directly into āif youāre good at it why arenāt you monetizing it?ā. At its core I really think its about commodifying every last shred of labor and experience.
THIS
Also that painting behind him is really good. Just the sight of it in the background fills me with peace.
Morgan Nikola-Wren

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You are enough. And you have always been enough, no matter what they said.
Mary Karr,Ā āVI. Wisdom: The Voice of GodāĀ